


Bliss

by Kicktokill



Category: Bleach
Genre: 1000 year blood war arc never happened, A LOT of Angst, Angst, Blood, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Extremely Dubious Consent, Grimmjow will make it better, Kira is not okay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Romance, Self-Harm, Severe Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Violence, a lot of smut!!, and cats, drunk mistakes, no joking, tons of smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:33:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 55,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23566138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kicktokill/pseuds/Kicktokill
Summary: In a post-Aizen era, peace reigns between Shinigami and Arrancar. A depressed and heartbroken Kira Izuru meets someone who will change his life forever.
Relationships: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kira Izuru, Hisagi Shuuhei/Matsumoto Rangiku, Kira Izuru/Hisagi Shuuhei (onesided)
Comments: 129
Kudos: 93





	1. The lonely ant and the god in blue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I decided to challenge myself and write the story genre I dislike the most – mpreg with a crack pairing which I usually don't go for (I like those who are closest to canon). But because of my other fic Entwined – Secrets; I felt like I had to get a dose of GrimmKira. And let's face it, they make cute babies together. :D As for the mpreg, I never found one that satisfied me so why not stop whining about it and just write my own mpreg?
> 
> Please read the warning section and tags - if you are triggered by depressive thought and self-harm, suicide, non-con and violence, this story is not for you. Abandon the ship while you can.
> 
> This was not beta-ed. I apologize for any mistakes.
> 
> Enjoy the story :)

**Bliss**

_'Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.'_

_Oscar Wilde_

The night was dazzling. The stars shining so bright in the sky, it hurt how beautiful it was. The immense dark night gave a feeling of pure loneliness. No matter what world, Human, Hueco Mundo or Soul Society, the sky at night was the same-just like the lonely feeling-it was a constant in this life of despair and sadness.

Kira wondered if he would ever stop feeling like this. Disliked, unstable, a burden, an ant. He was alone even when surrounded by others. He was alone even when his friends were with him. And he was alone when Hisagi Shuuhei was next to him, smiling at him turning his stomach up and down, shining bright to the point it blinded him.

The worst feeling of loneliness was when he wasn't physically lonely, no matter how strange that sounded. Kira was sure the others would only invite him to meetings as an act of pure politeness. No one in their perfect mind would like his company anymore. He was boring... he had become boring, anti-social, with no wish to speak or handle others. He had cut ties with many of his friends and avoided them or any social event.

It was best being home, in his cold room among his thoughts. Going out only made him feel worse. The false smiles, the excessive drinking, the shallow conversations... Kira had no more mental strength for that.

 _Avoidant syndrome_. That's what he was diagnosed with a few years back when everyone was affected by the war. Although, he was sure that Unohana just wanted to mask the reality, he was depressed. The continual cold shoulder and fatigue, the lack of appetite borderline anorexia, the crying, the will to die. It was depression, and he knew that depression was aggressive like a famine Hollow. It attacked his soul, eating every bit of happiness and left nothing but the desire to disappear. He had no will to carry his own life, his duties and even deal with his friends.

Back then, after the Winter War, Kira's depression reached its peak, and it took a lot of time and a lot of medication to make him better. But now, almost 5 years later it was coming back. Slowly and gently like a slug crawling under his skin. All of that because Hisagi was going to _marry_ Matsumoto.

Maybe it was because Kira was too stubborn to keep his silent broken heart or maybe it was because fate didn't want him to be happy, but whatever it was, Kira was sure it was his fault. He wasn't happy because he didn't deserve to be happy, and he didn't deserve to be happy, because he was no one. He had done too many bad things in the past, and now it was karma biting him in the ass.

No other soul would look at him twice, he was invisible and forgettable, except for Hisagi who never neglected him. And that hurt more than anything else. He wished Hisagi despised him, hated him, so he wouldn't suffer much more when they were together. He couldn't take Matsumoto’s place, no one could, but...

Maybe he was just meant to be a worm... a lonely worm that Hisagi cruelly took care of because he was the most gentle person in this world.

Cold wind blew, making the blond Lieutenant shiver on the roof of his house. A night like this felt even lonelier when there was no warmth to hold on to.

Was Hisagi also cold? Probably not... he was likely in his warm bed wrapping his arms around Matsumoto.

Kira held himself, he felt like crying, but he wouldn't. He was tired of crying, and his tear ducts dried a long time ago. There was no point of pitying himself when no one else cared. He was beyond the crying stage.

So the plan was to smile, he was going to smile at their wedding, he was going to smile when Hisagi kissed Matsumoto, until he couldn't smile anymore and his cheeks hurt.

He was going to live in this lie until it would become too much to handle, and when that happened he was going to leave this place for good.

Chapter 1 – _**The lonely ant and the god in blu**_ _ **e**_

Certain things simply didn't work out no matter how hard a person tried. Trying meant failure and the more you tried the more you failed. And the more you failed the greater the pain grew.

 _It was best not to try at all._ The first lesson in love, Kira Izuru learned.

“... and then she slapped her,” Hisagi Shuuhei said as he walked with Kira the vast road to the First Division barracks.

“Wasn't that a bit too harsh?” he asked.

“Well, yeah, but it's not like the girl didn't know about Rangiku and I. I tried my best to-”

 _Rangiku_ _and I._ The worst sentence in the world. He was expecting to get used to it by now, two years had passed since his friends started dating, but he still felt that piercing slash inside his heart every time he heard that. He thought nothing could be worse than seeing those two together, but hearing Hisagi saying “us” or “Rangiku and I” hurt as much.

It was never going to be “Izuru and I”.

This was how Kira was, a stupid person loving someone he would never have, because that person belonged to one of his closest friends and for that reason he would never try anything.

At least Matsumoto wouldn't need to slap him...

“Have you heard about that rumor about an Arrancar joining the Gotei 13?” Hisagi asked changing the subject.

“Yes,” Kira replied thankfully. He was too sick and tired to hear Hisagi's love stories.

“Some of the other Fukutaichou said the meeting is about that. Do you think it's true?”

“I hope not. The last thing we need is a Hollow as Shinigami,” Kira replied bitterly.

“An Arrancar is not really a Hollow. I mean it is, but some people think they are like our Taichous. They have Hollow masks too, but that doesn't make them Hollows, right?”

“Our Taichous were Shinigami to begin with, they were never Hollow. An Arrancar is not a Shinigami and will never be. Just because they have a zanpakutou doesn't mean they can do what we do. Instead of training the Arrancar to become a Shinigami, he should be killed so its soul can be cleansed and sent here the natural way,” Kira finished with a heavy sigh. _Or go to hell._

Hisagi stared at him for a moment.

“You're in a bad mood today,” the brunet Lieutenant said.

“I'm sorry, Hisagi-san. I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep.”

“Are you feeling down again?” Hisagi asked.

“What? No...”

“Look,” Hisagi said stopping walking. “It's been a few years since... you know.”

“I'm not depressed,” Kira stated. Hisagi didn't seem to believe in him. “I'm just tired of walking around, I didn't sleep well so now I'm all drowsy.”

“Okay.”

“You don't have to worry about me.”

“I won't,” the brunet replied and smiled.

“And don't think too much about the Arrancar, it's probably a false rumor,” Kira said as they entered the meeting room. “I doubt Soutaichou would agree with such a fool idea.”

**0000000000**

“What do you mean a former Espada will be here?” Ise Nanao asked.

“Genryuusai-dono and Central 46 approved it this morning,” Sasakibe replied.

“This is absurd. Soi Fon-Taichou won't let that happen,” Omaeda said adjusting his golden necklace.

“The Taichou meeting is happening in this very moment, they are choosing the Squad where the Espada will be.”

“Is this really true, though? It's hard to believe Central 46 would accept this,” Hisagi asked.

“It's true,” Abarai spoke. “Ichigo and Urahara-san used their _special_ influence and connections and asked permission from someone above Central 46.”

“Someone above from Central 46... you mean...”

“Yup.”

“But it's still dangerous, right? The Espada won't know about all the rules we have. Wouldn't it be wiser to go to the Shino Academy first?”

“He's been in the Human World for a couple of years now, Urahara-san has been training him, he's ready for this.”

“Unohana-Taichou made a psychological exam on him and also approved him,” Kotetsu explained.

“Isane, you met the Espada?” Ise asked.

“Yes I did, he's... rather intimidating.”

“Oh reaaaally? How is he? How is he?” Yachiru asked bouncing up and down. “Is he strong?”

“W-Well, I guess so. He was the former sixth Espada and his reiatsu is off the charts.”

“Sixth?” the pink-haired girl asked thinking thoroughly.

“Yeah, Sexta Espada,” Abarai said.

“Have you met him?” Hisagi asked.

“Yeah, I killed one of his fraccion in the past,” Abarai replied showing off.

“How is he?”

“He's a monster,” everyone shut up looking at Kuchiki Rukia. “He's nothing but trouble. I usually trust Ichigo, but this time I don't know where he has his mind.”

“He’s dangerous then.”

“He is. He's reckless, and enjoys to fight. He likes violence and destroying things. He'll probably be part of the 11th Division!”

“Yay! Ken-chan will be so happy!” Yachiru laughed brightly.

“Actually,” Sasakibe intervened. “According to Genryuusai-dono he will not be in the 1st, 2nd, 11th and 12th Squad.”

“Eh? Why not?” Omaeda spoke shocked for hearing his Squad.

“Genryuusai-dono doesn't want to deal with him. The 2nd Squad will act as the containment Division if something goes wrong, the 11th can't be because we want to hold the Espada's strength, not the other way around, and the 12th it's for... the obvious reasons.”

“Then where will he be?”

“I hope it's not mine,” Kuchiki-Fukutaichou said.

“The Espada will be put in a Division where the Taichou can overpower him. Due to Ukitake-Taichou's health condition it's unlikely he'll part of the 13th Division,” Sasakibe spoke.

“I hope it's not mine,” Hinamori murmured slowly next to Kira. He gave her a small assuring smile, but it was harder than it should. He didn't care about this Espada matter, he could only think about leaving the meeting. He was so tired, so full of these people. The more time he passed here and the more meetings he attended, the more he thought that this wasn't suited for him.

_Would anyone care if he deserted?_

Probably not.

The meeting continued with speculations about the Espada for half an hour, but still ended sooner than the Captain’s meeting. Some of the Lieutenants decided to wait for their Captains, but Kira had a lot of work to do at the Third. It should be expected that Otoribashi-Taichou would be more responsible than Ichimaru Gin, right? Wrong. Otoribashi-Taichou was just as bad, if not worse sometimes. Because Ichimaru would leave Kira alone doing their work, while the current Captain was very clingy and asked the most ridiculous favors. And to not forget that dreadful guitar. At first it was nice, but hearing that noise all the time was just making Kira more depressed. Maybe that was what was triggering his depression again?

No, he was his own reason for his depression.

Kira was going to leave when he heard his name being called behind him. Hisagi jogged towards him.

“Wait, I need to talk to you.”

He couldn't say no, could he?

“What is it, Hisagi-san?”

The older Lieutenant smiled sheepishly and looked around to see if anyone was nearby before speaking.

“I have something to ask you.”

There weren't many times when Hisagi asked for a favor, he would gladly oblige anything that man wanted. Kira was that weak.

“Sure, what do you want?”

The brunet smiled, his eyes softening.

“You have always been by my side, and you always supported everything I did, so I think you are the most suited person for this. I want you to be my best man.”

It was like hard rocks fell from the sky and smashed Kira weighting tons and tons. He hadn't wept when he heard about the wedding or when they decided to live together, but now... he felt like he just received a smack in the face and woke up the state of denial and numbness he was in. Hisagi wanted him to be his best man at his wedding with Kira's best friend. How cruel this world was.

Kira smiled. “Of course.” His voice sounded so little...

“Oh good! I was kind of afraid you wouldn't want it, because you don't like these type of things. Rangiku also wanted you, so it was easy to pick you. The maid of honor will be Hinamori-kun."

Kira continued his forced smile, but he could feel it fading away.

“Well, I have to go now.”

“Me too. Knowing Kuna, she probably destroyed half of the office already. Bye Kira, and thanks!” he said leaving.

Kira just stood there watching the other man's back walking away. Catching himself before breaking down in that spot, he walked to a small outer storage alley nearby and he sobbed loudly. No crying, no tears, but his body trembled like he was, and his breathing became shallow. He wanted to cry, he really did, but how much more pathetic could he become? His body reacted as if he was crying, and he could feel his voice dying to scream on his throat. He hated his life, he hated all of this. He hate it, he hated it, he hated it, he hated-

He suddenly stopped breathing when he noticed he wasn't alone. In front of him on the opposite wall, there was a man. How could he have not noticed before? Kira felt very stupid not sensing him.

The man was tall and had bright blue hair. He had an eyebrow raised in a quizzical manner. But what surprised Kira the most wasn't that, but the fact there were remnants of a Hollow mask in the stranger's face. He was wearing a Shinigami shihakushou, but Kira had no doubts, this was the Espada everyone was talking about.

And now the Espada saw Kira's embarrassing behavior... It was official, Kira wanted to disappear from the surface of this world.

Luckily, the Espada would forget about Kira easily. There was nothing to remember about him, and let's be honest, who would care about him anyway? He was just some random guy having a _not-exactly-crying_ fit. The Espada wouldn't recognize him again.

Kira composed himself and left without saying anything. This was awkward and he didn't want to prolong it. The Espada didn't seem as scary as Kuchiki made him sound. Sure his size was intimidating for someone smaller, and remnants of Hollow mask shaped like teeth weren't a good sign either, but he looked alright for an Arrancar... Whatever, Kira hoped never seeing him again.

He took his time going back to the Third barracks. He didn't want to work, and didn't want to see anyone. The one he loved the most was going be married with his best friend and wanted him to be the best man...

How long could Kira pretend he was alright with this? If he told Hisagi-san about his feelings, would he call off the wedding? Or end their friendship for good? He could try... but trying was the same as failing. There was no purpose for trying when he already knew the outcome.

Hisagi would never leave Rangiku for him. No one in their right mind would ever do that.

Maybe he should take some time off after the wedding. He was working so hard since the old betrayal, and he never had a vacation since Otoribashi-Taichou regained his position. Yes, that was what he needed, time away from the Third, from Hisagi and Matsumoto, from Seireitei, from this life. He needed to go back to his home and visit his parents' grave and spend some time away from everything negative in his life. Juts like Unohana-Taichou taught him so many years ago.

Maybe he wouldn’t even return…

Part of him wanted to talk to someone, just to let it out of his chest. He had pondered telling Abarai or Hinamori about his feelings, but what could they do besides pitying him? To not forget that they didn’t even know that he was gay. The one person who knew was dead…

Now he was alone, taking the longest path to the place he didn't want to go anymore, _and no one cared._

He had nothing to fight for and nothing to keep him contented and joyous. He definitely lost the battle he wasn't fighting for, and there was nothing to do about it. He couldn't even be properly sad, because it was wrong towards Matsumoto. He was the best friend and his role was to be happy for the couple, just like his role as best man...

The sight of the Third Division sign was already visible. Although, he didn't want to work, at least it would keep his mind from going to swamped places.

As he passed by the gates, he noticed something was going on. Almost every member of the Third was gathered outside. As he went closer, he could hear some excitement and some discontentment as well. One of the members saw him and called him.

“Kira-Fukutaichou!”

That was when everybody noticed his presence. He was really like a shadow, wasn't he?

“What is going on?” he asked and the third seat Togakushi appeared next to him.

“Kira-Fukutaichou, Otoribashi-Taichou is asking for you.”

“What's all this commotion about?”

“It's because of the new member, sir.”

“New member?” And his answer was replied as he recognized the tall, blue-haired figure next to his Captain.

“Oh Izuru! You're finally here!” His Captain waved, but Kira was petrified looking at Espada who looked back at him and raised an eyebrow again, with the same quizzical look he had before.

“This is Grimmjow, and he's going to be part of the Third Division.”

Kira's ears muted the sound of everything surrounding him, because the Espada seemed to recognize him and the grin that formed in his face was disgustingly threatening.

**To be continued...**


	2. Kill me, feed me

_'Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is war, love is a growing up.'_

_James A. Baldwin_

Chapter 2 - _**Kill me, feed me**_

The Espada's grin made Kira feel nauseous. He hoped the other wouldn't tell anyone about his behavior earlier.

“Izuru, are you listening?” Otoribashi asked.

“I apologize, Taichou,” he slightly bowed. Otoribashi chuckled and turned to Grimmjow.

“He's a little nervous, but he's a capable man. I'm sure you two will get along.”

“He looks weak,” Grimmjow said looking down at Kira, his voice was filled with something that made him feel uneasy. The blond slightly frowned. He should take insult out of this, but he did feel weak. What would be the point of arguing with that? And the former Espada saw Kira in a weak state before...

“Oh no, no, no! Izuru is pretty strong. He doesn't like to fight, but when he does he's ruthless, isn't that right?” His Taichou asked him.

“I-I don't think I'm ruthless.”

“Oh yes you are!” His Captain put his arm around his shoulders. What an annoying habit. Kira hated it so much, he hated to be touched. “You are ruthless, and have this melodic aura surrounding you, it's so poetic it brings chills to my spine!” Not again... He absolutely couldn't stand Otoribashi's rambling.

_Please stop._

“Anyway, I hope you don’t mind guiding Grimmjow and show him around, you know making him feel comfortable.”

“Wait, Otoribashi-Taichou, I don't think-”

“And make the others feel more comfortable too. I believe that if they know Grimmjow is under your wing, they'll feel more secure.” Kira looked around, and he could see the other members of his Division glaring at the former Espada. He couldn't abandon them now, could he? Even if they didn't care...

“Alright.”

“Great! Now let's celebrate!”

**0000000000**

The celebration continued until dawn. It was another bad habit Otoribashi had, organizing these Division parties and then leave sooner than everyone else, without no one noticing. But Kira did notice, because every time the Captain left he was the one in charge, and by default he was the one who had to take care of the smelly drunk members.

When Kira couldn't stay awake any longer he decided to go home. He was so tired he ignored the little voice in his head bothering him that he was leaving when he shouldn't. But honestly? He didn't care anymore. His work was to be a Lieutenant, not a babysitter, and the more he looked at those faces throwing up and unconscious, the more he hated being there.

The cold wind felt good when he stepped out of the hot, breathless room. The sun was starting to rise and he couldn't believe he was only going to rest for a couple of hours. He wished he could just sleep and never wake up again.

A noise behind him caught his attention; Grimmjow was looking bored leaning against the door frame. _Oh yes, Kira was a babysitter after all._

And a sudden thought came to his mind. Where was this guy staying? Kira didn't discuss with Otoribashi-Taichou where Grimmjow was going to sleep or by any means, live. It was late... or early, and Kira wouldn't disturb his Taichou now, no matter how much he deserved...

Sighing he took the only – and easiest – decision he could.

“Follow me,” he said to the former Espada, and started walking without waiting for any response.

Grimmjow did follow him in silence. For someone who should be a bad guy, he was quite obedient.

Kira took him to his house.

“You'll stay here for now, until a place is arranged for you to stay.”

He entered the house, Grimmjow followed him bored.

“You can sleep in the living room. Don't break anything,” he left again without waiting for a reply. This was beyond absurd. Kira leaving a deadly monster in his living room and letting his guard down. Maybe he was doing it on purpose... maybe he was doing this so the former Espada would come out of nowhere and kill him. He wouldn't even defend himself... he would just die like a pathetic soul.

His clothes smelled like smoke and alcohol. He took them off, and threw them against the wall in rage. Shihakushou, underwear, everything.

Why was he the one having the Espada in his squad above all? Otoribashi was the most irresponsible being he ever met, and he was basically having a psychological breakdown! And Hisagi... Hisagi...

Suddenly the door opened behind him, making him turn around as fast as possible. The Arrancar was looking at him, and Kira only noticed by then that he was completely naked. The other man ignored it.

“Do you have milk?” Those were the first words the Espada said directed to him.

Kira slowly grabbed the shitagi on the floor next to Wabisuke and covered himself. Milk?

“No. I don't. You can't enter my room... E-ever! Please leave.”

The Arrancar turned to leave, and murmured something not very pleasant.

“Excuse me?” Something inside Kira snapped. He grabbed Wabisuke on the floor, and followed the other man to the living room. “What did you just say?”

Grimmjow stopped and turned around only to be attacked. The blond didn't know why he was attacking him, he was so tired and powerless.

The Arrancar grabbed his arms with only one arm, making Wabisuke fall on the floor along with the shitagi. He pushed Kira against the wall, effortlessly, this man could kill him easily and both new it.

“This is why I hate shinigami, you are all so full of yourselves thinking you can beat me in a blink of an eye. I'll fucking kill you if you try that again!” He shout on his face.

“Do it then.” Grimmjow blinked in surprise. The blond slowly spoke, “Kill me. You can tell it was in self-defense.” Grimmjow let him go and he fell on the floor in his butt.

He glared trying to reason what was happening.

“Are you stupid?”

Kira looked up when he heard those words, not sure what to say, he wasn't even sure of what he was saying at all.

“Great, they've put me with the most retarded guy here.”

He messed up. Kira messed up everything! Now he was going to be the laughing-stock in his squad. Ashamed, he grabbed the discarded Wabisuke and went to his room closing the door behind him, locking it. He ran to his drawer and started searching frantically inside. _Where was it?_ Where was it?! He found the small box and took two white pills from inside and put them in his mouth swallowing them dry. It felt horrible but he sighted in relief... He slid on the floor feeling even more miserable than before. He wasn't himself anymore.

He hated his life and he hated everything.

Grimmjow didn't tell anyone about what happened that night.

**0000000000**

“The food will be served right after the ceremony. The guys from the 11th will be bored, so we won't take much time with the talking,” Matsumoto informed as Hinamori helped her with her makeup.

“I hope you invited more than just the 11th guys, I mean weddings are also suppose to help other people get some, you know?” Abarai said as he leaned in his chair. “Right, Kira?”

The blond looked at his direction, they had come to Matsumoto’s room because Abarai wanted to. He slightly smiled, “It's not like you have a problem to get some, Abarai-kun.”

Abarai frowned, “Yeah, but I want to have some with a nice girl! And I'm feeling down, everybody has someone but me.”

“Well, Kira doesn’t have anyone as well, you two should just stop mopping and get some!”

 _Bitch._ He knew Matsumoto didn’t mean it in a bad way, but this was getting out of hand. He wasn’t sure if he was going to survive the night.

The blonde laughed. “Anyway, Kira could you go check if Hisagi is ready?”

Kira forced a smile. “Sure.” He left his two friend's behind, closing the door behind him. He couldn't stand Matsumoto anymore, his best friend. 

He slowly walked away and felt his legs trembling. He needed to be strong. Just needed to go through the day.

Hisagi was waiting in front of the window. He was wearing a black kimono with a golden underline and design His rebellious hair shining with the sun, it almost looked purple. He turned around the moment the blond arrived. He grinned beautifully. _He was so handsome._

It broke Kira’s heart.

Kira went closer and adjusted the collar of the Kimono. It was a bold move, but he felt like it was the last time he could touch him.

“How do you feel?”

Hisagi tilted his head. “Nervous?” He bit his lip. “This is so stupid, we're together for a while, we even live together, this just a ceremony, but I’m still nervous.”

Kira tried to smile back, but his face didn’t obey his brain’s command. He looked up staring at the dark grey eyes.

“Hisagi-san...”

Should he say something? He was going to ruin everything if he did. His heart ached.

“Yes?”

‘ _Don’t do this’_

‘ _Don’t marry_ _her_ _’_

‘ _I love you’_

‘ _I love you, don’t do this’_

‘ _Please’_

“You look ready.” Kira breathed. Hisagi smiled at those words.

“I am ready.”

The ceremony was beautiful and empty. Kira couldn’t hear anything. His head was so numb it muffled all the sounds outside.

The reception wasn’t that different, except for Abarai who kept bothering him.

“See there’s couples everywhere!” He drank from his glass, “maybe this is a sign that we should get someone too.”

“I don’t want anyone,” he replied drinking, how many cups did he drink already? His sight was blurry.

“Everyone wants someone, you know what you need? To have sex!” He said.

Later on Abarai disappeared and then he saw him dancing with some girl on the floor. He wanted to leave, but before he could Hisagi hugged him tightly from behind, resting his chin in his shoulder.

“Kira!”

The blond couldn’t help but slightly blush, it had been a while since Hisagi hugged him like this. Hisagi had always been touchy, Kira was sure that was one of the main reasons why he started to like him.

They sat in the table with Hisagi smiling next to him.

“I’m so happy,” he said, and Kira stilled his face.

“I’m happy you are happy.” _He wasn’t._

“I’m really lucky, ain’t I? I got the woman of my dreams.”

_He wanted to throw up._

“The one person I love the most, isn’t that amazing? What are the chances?”

_To die._

He couldn’t say anything, he just looked down.

“Kira, are you okay?”

He looked up, and nodded. “Yes, just tired.”

“You can leave if you want. We almost going too, you know wedding night,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

_Fucking die._

Kira filled his cup and continued drinking. It was a bad idea, but he couldn't stop. This was the only way to stop feeling it. But the more he drank, the more he felt… He left the party before being able to see the couple leaving; he amazingly found his way to the third barracks. With clumsy steps he reached his house. The inside was hot; he took his shoes off. It was so warm, he needed to drink something, did he still have saké?

As he walked to the living room, he noticed the blue furry blanket on the floor, with Grimmjow sleeping shirtless. The former Espada was still there in his house. It had been weeks. He wasn’t a bother, he just took the whole living room’s space and filled the fridge with a lot of milk. They barely interacted with each other, unless it was squad related matters.

Kira moved closer and his eyes wandered towards the body below. Muscles in the rights places, strong arms, killer abs. Grimmjow looked so good, Kira could actually forget about the hollow hole. Traveling below, a small trail of blue hair leading to the waistband of those stupid pants.

Maybe Abarai was right, he needed to have sex.

Kneeling down in the blanket, his hand tried to reach the pants, but he was stopped by a stronger hand around his wrist. The hand could break him so easily. It was arousing. Blue eyes met, Grimmjow frowned.

“What are you doing?”

His blue hair was messy and his smell was…

“I asked what are-”

“I want to do something,” the blond interrupted him. “Can I?” his voice was low and husky.

Grimmjow pondered for a moment and then let go of his hand. Kira then moved it to his hips again and slowly slid it to his crotch and squeeze it.

Kira moved closer and pulled the waist band down. Grimmjow’s cock was soft, but didn’t hide its’ length. He wet his lips, before leaning down.

“Why are you...” Grimmjow didn’t know what to ask. He probably was thinking if he should allow him to continue or just rip his throat off.

“It’s going to feel good,” he breathed against the shaft. He licked it a few times, before pumping it with his hand. He kissed the head and swirled his tongue, it took just a few moments to get hard.

Kira looked up and Grimmjow was still frowning, but breathing harder. He bobbed his head up and down, and started sucking. The more he did, the harder it got. It throbbed in his mouth. He was now aroused as well, he undid his obi and fundoshi with his free hand. The taste was unique and Kira wanted more, he sucked with need, the thick cock was sublime. He wanted more.

Kira stopped and Grimmjow looked annoyed.

“What did you do to me?”

The blond didn’t reply, but he knew the answer. He made Grimmjow needy. He was leaking pre-cum and panting heavily.

Kira removed his own clothes, and straddled the other. Grimmjow was probably wondering if he should kill him. Fucking him or kill him, Izuru would be fine with any. Maybe both, in that order.

He pushed Grimmjow down and leaned pressing his lips into a kiss, but there was no reaction back, so Kira didn’t try again. There was a reaction though, when he ground his hips, both members grinding each other. The man below him was a bit flushed, his eyes hooded with need.

Kira didn’t think twice and moved the cock to his entrance. It was going to hurt, but he didn’t care, he only needed it inside him. He started pressing down, and yes, it fucking hurt. Looking around he notice a bottle of an unknown substance nearby. He used it as lube, rubbing the cock. Grimmjow liked it, it almost sounded like he was purring. He stared at Kira’s hands around him.

Kira prepared himself fast and messy, and tried to push himself down. Grimmjow groaned when he was completely inside him.

Kira gently started to move, slowly to get used to the size. He moaned, his legs trembling. Little by little, he moved faster riding that dick. It felt... good... full... He felt Grimmjow’s hands moving along his legs, reaching his buttocks. In a sudden move, Grimmjow flipped them and was now on top.

_Grimmjow was brutal._

He thrust hard, demanding. Grabbing Kira’s legs with his arms, he pushed himself in and out fast. Kira couldn’t control his voice as it was so good. Grimmjow was so damn hot, and the blond couldn’t help but touch his arms, chest, and hair. Everywhere he could reach.

The Arrancar moved lower, holding himself with one arm. His other arm holding Kira’s leg up to make it easier to thrust. The movement changed, also changing the thrust angle. Ah wow, the blond couldn’t stop shaking, as Grimmjow hit him exactly where it felt the best. His voice was loud, he thought… he didn’t know anymore.

It took a few more thrusts to make him cum, spilling between them. Grimmjow’s rhythm became more frantic to the points there was no rhythm at all. He kept bumping until he came deep inside him as well.

Their breathing was harsh and it was the only sound in the room. Kira looked at the ceiling above behind Grimmjow. For the first time in a while, he actually felt satisfied. His sleepy drunk self started to take over him, he closed his eyes.

...

Grimmjow was still inside him, he opened his eyes. The Espada sat on his knees and pulled Kira’s legs up. He thrust again. For a second, Kira regretted the whole thing. Grimmjow was merciless, he wanted more, selfishly and uncaring. And Kira hated himself, because despite knowing of all of those things, he was getting hard again and damn… Grimmjow was fucking him like there was no tomorrow.

His bottom hurt as the whatever-they-used-instead-of-lube dried; he could hear the squishy sounds of Grimmjow’s cum inside him, but it wasn’t enough.

He tried to sit up, but Grimmjow pushed Kira’s tights up against the blond’s chest pounding harder. Kira was sure it was not normal that he was still hard with the pain he was feeling, but Grimmjow’s cock inside him was just so good. He filled him whole.

Kira cried out in pleasure as he was fucked hard.

**0000000000**

Kira woke up, but could not open his eyes right away. His head was pounding, as if someone had grabbed a hammer and bashed it against him.

Taking his time, he opened his eyes and all he could see was blue. Blue fur beneath him, beneath his head. This wasn’t his bed.

He tried to move, and he noticed his naked form. Trying to sit properly, he winced in pain, his bottom hurt badly, as if… he gulped. Oh no, with who did he…? And that’s when he turned his head around and looked at the clothe-less dormant figure next to him.

His mouth went dry and terror crossed his face. Kira slowly got up, and looked for the discarded clothes, but couldn’t find his. He was a mess, his stomach was dirty with a lot of dry cum. He didn’t dare to think about the amount… Then dripping from inside him, along his tight… he went to the bathroom and he felt sick.

What the hell happened? Yesterday, he drank because _they_ got married and then… he recognized some flashes. Blue, all blue on top of him, inside him. He knelt down near the toilet to throw up.

He fucked with an Espada, a hollow! How low did he fall? Life sucked, yes. He was alone, affirmative, but getting attention from someone like Grimmjow? What if he told the others? What if Hisagi found out? The brunet would think he was disgusting!

Wait.

And it hit him… Grimmjow allowed it to happened? Kira stayed in the bathroom for at least an hour, freaking out over the whole situation.

He was never going to drink again, that was a promise.

Outside laying in the blanket, Grimmjow glared the bathroom door. He reached for the discarded kimono and sniffed it, closing his eyes.

**To be continued...**


	3. Rapture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut

‘ _We never love anyone. What we love is the idea we have of someone. It's our own concept—our own selves—that we love.’_

_Fernando Pessoa_

Chapter 3 - _**Rapture**_

He failed his ‘never drinking again’ promise a couple of days after.

Since that night he slept with Grimmjow, Kira avoided him like the plague; he barely went home, and spent the nights in his office.

Weirdly, the Espada didn’t tell anyone about what they did. At least that was what Kira thought since no one said anything. He had seen Grimmjow two times since then, and in both times the blond fled pretending he had other things to do.

He didn’t even remember the night well, only the ache in his bottom. When showering he realized that he bled at some point during their… screwing, but he knew that Grimmjow didn’t force himself to him, because he had – regretfully- glimpses of the night, and remembered being excited and wanting more. Still, the Espada was so rough on him he had to heal himself using kido or wouldn’t be able to even sit down.

Guilt was all over him. How could he do such a terrible thing?

He knew the reason very well… Hisagi. Because of his unrequited feelings and heartbreak he just banged the first person that showed up in front of him. He was so fucking desperate he didn’t know what to do.

It was a downward spiral; he was sinking so deeply, that soon anti-depressants wouldn’t do anything. He was taking them everyday, sometimes two at the time. He was sure that it was the placebo effect, they actually didn’t do anything for him, because if they did, he wouldn’t feel as miserable as he was now.

Hisagi married… Hisagi happy with someone else… for life. Kira felt like throwing up every time he thought about this.

Hisagi and Matsumoto were now in the Human world enjoying their _honeymoon._ For two weeks, he wouldn’t have to meet those two, and even worse, look at Hisagi’s face and omitting he was ravaged by an Espada, because he was compensating his broken heart.

Of course, he would never tell him even if he was here. Looking back… Kira never spoke about his love life, - or lack of – with Hisagi. Majorly because Hisagi was his love life and because he never felt comfortable with it. So this whole situation with Grimmjow was a secret that would die with him. No one would ever know that it happened.

The day that Kira broke his drinking promise, he had a great reason, though.

He was leading the sparring practice for the unseated officers and one of them had asked if he could fight one of them one-on-one. Kira did and easily won without even considering using Wabisuke.

Then as if it was a punishment, another officer asked if he could spar against Otoribashi, so they could see a great fight. His taichou denied quickly, but to not disappoint his team he added:

“But you can battle Grimmjow, I’m sure that he could use some practice.”

The blue-haired man looked across the field with a scowl that turned into a grin. Kira gulped unsure. He was no match for the former Espada. He was going to be humiliated in front of the others. This was a terrible idea, Grimmjow should avoid fighting at all costs. They shouldn’t stimulate his aggression.

“We are not allowed to release zanpakutou,” Kira spoke as firmly as he could.

“Eh? Why the hell not?” Grimmjow returned. His voice was rough, and the blond realized that it was a long time since he heard it. This was the first time they interacted directly since that night. Kira’s heart beat faster. Looking at the former Espada closely, he was… hot, handsome even, if not for the hollow mask. He had a great body, and if was not an Arrancar, Kira could say he scored high by sleeping with this man.

“No one at Fukutaichou level or above can release without formal approval from Yamamoto-Soutaichou,” he explained trying not to think again about that night. “Also, no fatal blows or property destruction.”

Grimmjow frowned. “Then what are we suppose to do?” and it stung. Grimmjow wanted to fight with the intention of killing. Well, after sleeping with Kira, maybe that was the only thing in his mind, right? Kira frowned at his own thought. It’s not that he was feeling suicidal again, he was just numb. Not really caring anymore.

“Practice.”

He grabbed Wabisuke with both hands pointing at the Espada. All the non seated officers surrounded them to have a better view. Grimmjow didn’t even unsheathe his sword, leaving his hands in his pockets.

This kind of pissed Kira off.

The blond attacked, and Grimmjow easily evaded. The Espada was fast, and he tried to keep up using shunpo the best he could. Grimmjow only reacted and avoided his attacks. The officers surrounding them whispered and commented the Espada’s speed and how cool he looked. Annoyed, Kira stopped pursuing the Espada, and changed into a fight stance. Holding Wabisuke in Ox Guard position, he glared at Grimmjow who just grinned in return.

He flash stepped surprising the Espada and to hit from his back, however Grimmjow was fast enough to grab his arm and yanked Wabisuke across the field.

Unafraid, Kira looked down and with his foot kicked up Grimmjow’s zanpakutou that hit the Espada’s jaw. Kira held the hilt with his left hand, and pushed himself away from the other. Grimmjow didn’t seem fazed by the pain, but smirked seeing him holding Pantera.

“Now we are talking,” he said and disappeared using his sonido. Kira looked around frantically not sure where Grimmjow was, until he felt the grip in his hand. What the hell? Grimmjow was literally next to him trying to take away his zanpakutou from his hand, like candy from a child. And what bothered him the most wasn’t even that. It was the fact Grimmjow’s hand felt hot on top of his. How did Grimmjow’s hands felt in his body that night? He wished he could remember. He held the zanpakutou tightly.

“That belongs to me,” the blue-haired spoke.

“You took mine away,” Kira glanced across the field to where Wabisuke was. Grimmjow followed his gaze.

“No weapons then.” he snatched Pantera and threw it carelessly away.

They separated and now Kira was reluctant. Hand to hand combat was not his strength, and from the predatory look he was receiving from Grimmjow, he was going to lose.

The squad members kept cheering them, and it didn’t make Kira feel better, because he knew them. They were cheering Grimmjow, not him. They were all in awe with the Espada, not their Lieutenant. The strong, cool Espada. This was Kibune all over again. He tried to ignore them, and looked straight forward at Grimmjow, who only stared back. Kira was sweating, and his hands were slippery. He felt disgusting.

Moving forward he attacked barehanded, missing every punch, but also avoiding Grimmjow’s. This until the blue-haired Espada grabbed him by his neck and pushed him against the wall. Similar to the first night at his place, when he stupidly attacked him. The world muted around him. He was now at Grimmjow’s head level. The Espada looked deep into his eyes, as if he could see all the shame inside him. Well in a way he did see his shame… a couple of times. He struggled to breathe and Grimmjow let him go.

Needless to say, that their fight was the topic of the day. Wherever he’d go, that was all he could hear. _“Grimmjow this and Grimmjow that”._ Everybody was so scared of him before, and now he was a damn hero.

“Why don’t make him the new Fukutaichou?” he mumbled and he got inside his house. Last time he was here, was when he… when they…

Lurking around, he was glad that Grimmjow was not there. He only wanted to take a shower and see the state of his house.

Everything was alright. The big blue fluffy blanket laid in the middle of the living room. There were pillows on it, more than before, and Kira recognized two of them as being his pillows. Grimmjow must have taken them from his room. In the kitchen there were some empty milk packages and that was it. What was this strange milk fixation? Weren’t Espada suppose to be eating hollows? Now thinking about it, what was Grimmjow eating? He looked inside the fridge and there was only milk, there wasn’t even proper food. Kira never cooked, he just ate out or takeout, so he rarely had any food home, but Grimmjow had taken over his fridge completely. And his pantry, as he opened it and saw more cartoon milk cases. _Cases_.

“Where did you get these?” he asked lowly.

After showering and changing into a new shihakushou, he left to meet Abarai. The redhead was already waiting for him at the restaurant drinking.

“I heard you fought with Grimmjow.”

Kira raised an eyebrow. Of course, the entire Seireitei had to know. Gossip traveled at shunpo level.

“Then you heard about me getting my ass kicked.”

“Actually, I was told you hit him with his own zanpakutou.”

That was strange, he expected this to have been missed.

“It was the only time I hit him. I don’t know why I’m the one babysitting him, he can kill me in two seconds.”

Abarai frowned. “Why would you let him kill you?”

“Who said I was letting him?”

Kira didn’t feel like battling the redhead on this. So he drank a full cup of saké, in one go. He just glared.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said, “You’re ok, right? You’ve been acting weird.”

“What are you talking about?” Kira asked. He didn’t feel any different to be honest, just more tired and ashamed.

“You… you wouldn’t do anything stupid, right?” Abarai asked concerned.

“I’m not sure what you are implying, Abarai-kun, I actually feel good now.” Lies, all lies.

There was a burning sensation in his chest, as if something eminent was about to happen, but never came. 

“Remember the girl I banged at Hisagi’s wedding? So she has this friend,” Abarai started. Kira looked down knowing well what the conversation was going to be about. His friend tried many times to set him up with random girls. Maybe it was time to tell Abarai that he was gay, and once and for all stop with these stupid attempts of hooking him up with women. “We have some chemistry, I’m taking her on a date tomorrow.”

Oh. Alright.

Kira ate and drank more to the point he decided to buy a new bottle on his way home. Tomorrow was a work day but screw it. He was getting tired of Abarai, every talk with him always led to women and sex, which of course led to him remembering Hisagi, and he only wanted to forget him. Today was the first day he got his mind out of Hisagi, and now here he was remembering him… and Matsumoto. What were they doing now? Were they doing _it_? The thought made him sick.

He walked to the barracks, bottle at hand, casually sipping from it. He contemplated going to his office, but changed his mind and went to his house instead, he was tired of sleeping in the sofa.

It was night already, the gardens were empty. He opened the door of his house and leaned against it taking another sip frowning, he was greeted with the weirdest sight. Grimmjow was laying on his side, leaning on his hand that was supported by his elbow, as he went through the Seireitei Bulletin _._ _Seireitei Bulletin..._ But the strangest part was not even that, it was that there was a kitten playing with the fur blanket. _A kitten._

What the… He was drunk, but not drunk enough to hallucinate. Was he?

Grimmjow looked at him questioningly, almost challenging him.

Kira removed his waraji and walked to the living room. The kitten looked at him and softly meowed at him.

“I see you have company.”

Grimmjow threw away the magazine and laid down on his back. His shitagi was opened displaying his chest and stomach. Kira had to try really hard to not gulp.

“Better than being alone.”

Ouch, he did leave him alone, right? But at the same time, he was not much of a company and he doubt that Grimmjow was talking about him.

Kira sat on the floor next to them, the kitten continued playing with the edge of the blanket.

He sipped from the bottle while he watched Grimmjow’s stomach muscles moving as he breathed. He had a scar across his torso, going up to his chest, with well defined pecs. He looked up to Grimmjow’s face who just looked at him. He was kind of intrigued, how could an Espada be here in his house, sprawled on the floor. Why was he here at Seireitei? Why was he not killing and destroying all? Why was he looking at Kira when he was so invisible, tiny and insignificant?

He looked at his bottle and offered it to the Espada who ignored it. Not wasting it, Kira took it back and sipped once more. It tasted like water by now. Grimmjow’s eyes followed the bottle to his mouth staring at his lips. Feeling self-conscious he licked them.

Grimmjow slightly glowered and shifted his legs, sprawling them. It would be so easy to untie that obi… Kira tried to remember how his cock looked like, but couldn’t. Only that it was big and the memory of the pain he felt when he woke up. He licked his lips again.

He felt the other tilting his head, and then saw a hand grab the obi and slowly untie it. That hand that touched him before when they sparred. The Espada was sexy, his body and his face, but Kira wondered about those hands. Those long strong fingers…

The hakama laid lose, faint blue hair peaking from the edge. No underwear. Grimmjow was inviting him… holy shit, how was this possible?

Maybe he was feeling as miserable as him.

‘ _Better than being alone.’_

He put down the bottle and moved to the blanket, slowly crawling between the Espada’s legs. Grimmjow leaned in his elbows watching him with heavy eyes. He wanted this… The bulge in front of him proving it.

Kira pulled down the fabric revealing what he was eager for. Damn, it was big and he was hungry. The blond moved forward, tentatively licking it. Grimmjow’s smell was unique, and it made him feel groggy in a good way. It was like a sweet smell that he couldn’t get over. He licked from base to tip. Grabbing with his right hand, he gave a gentle suck at the tip that instantaneously became slick with pre-cum.

He looked up to see Grimmjow grinning at him. He stared at him as he sucked the head of his cock. He twirled his tongue on the slit, and received a thrust in reply. He bobbed his head up and down, sucking the best he could. The large member throbbed in his mouth in need. Grimmjow still looked at him waiting for more. The sight of the Espada before him was extremely arousing. He would love to have him cum in his mouth, but now he would be prefer to go all the way. While licking the slit as his head went down, he untied the sash and obi of his uniform and palmed his own erection.

“Do you want to put it inside?” he asked bold, a trail of saliva connected from his mouth to the cock. He would need to prepare himself though, because it would never fit him. He wondered who prepared him last time.

Grimmjow reached his hair, entangling his fingers, pulling him close to his cock. Kira obeyed sucking it, and then he was yanked by his hair. It didn’t hurt per se, on the contrary it only made him want more.

He was thrown against the blanket on his stomach, and he felt Grimmjow going behind him and pulling his hakama down and roughly removing his fundoshi.

“Eh? W-Wait,” Kira tried to say, getting up. He helped removing his clothes, only his shitagi remaining.

He felt Grimmjow pressing against him.

“W-wait!” he stopped the Espada, who looked annoyed. “It won’t go in like that.”

“It did last time,” Grimmjow spat. This was the first time Grimmjow spoke about it.

“Last time, it hurt a lot.”

“So what now?!”

“I just need to… prepare myself. Wait a bit,” he asked getting up and going to his room removing the shitagi. Grimmjow didn’t look happy to wait. Kira tried to be fast looking for the bottle of lube that he knew he kept somewhere in his drawers. When he found it, he was pushed against the wall, Grimmjow ground against him. He could sense his breathing in his neck and it sent shivers through all his body. Grimmjow was bigger and stronger than him, and he could easily overpower him. The Espada breathed deeply in his neck and exposed shoulder. His erection poking in his ass.

“Wait-”

“I’m tired of waiting,” his voice was low.

“Just a little bit, please.” he opened the cap of the bottle of lube and poured into his fingers. He had to buy time while he prepared himself. He turned around and blushed at the fully naked Grimmjow in front of him. His body was warm, almost feverish. He plopped down to his knees as he went back to kissing and sucking his dick. At the same time, adding a finger to get used to what was about to come. He wished he could have done better, and at least enjoying it, but Grimmjow was getting impatient.

He coated his cock with the lube and went up, as he was pulled by the other. Grimmjow went back to his neck, as he sniffed and then bit hard. Kira cried out in pain, his legs almost giving up weakly. He held into Grimmjow’s shoulder as the Espada grabbed his leg up and ground both their cocks together. It felt so intimate to be face to face like that.

Grimmjow lined his hips and member to Kira’s entrance, and tried to thrust.

It was difficult.

It hurt like hell.

There was no way Kira could do this standing.

The Espada insisted to the point he was able to insert the head. Kira yelped in pain, tears pooling in his eyes. It hurt so fucking much, he wanted to cry.

Grimmjow lifted him impatiently and took him to the living room, throwing him to the furry bed. His face connected with the pillow that smelled like Grimmjow. The Espada grabbed his legs, pulling his ass up, and Kira shut his eyes as he felt the cock pressing against him once again.

He breathed deeply against the pillow as he was thrust in a swift move. His bottom ache beyond believe, but all he could think of was that he didn’t want to stop. He wanted to feel something, he wanted to be with someone. Even if he would never have someone who loved him or who want to marry him, he needed some sort of contact, because being alone was hell. Grimmjow fucking him without a hint of emotion was better than being alone.

He hated himself for allowing being used like this, but it was mutual, wasn’t it? He was the one who put himself in that position, and now he was receiving exactly what he deserved.

Grimmjow spread Kira’s legs more and shifted his angle, thrusting deeper. He increased his speed, the moment it became easier to move. From that point onward, Kira cried out in pleasure. The mixture of pain and filling whole, was so good he thought he could die. He felt himself meeting the thrusts and that made Grimmjow become more intense.

His knees gave up, and he fell flat on the blanket. Grimmjow’s body moved as well, leaning against him never stop pounding. Kira could sense the breathing in his neck, and he closed his eyes thinking about Hisagi. Hisagi holding him, and smelling his neck, as he thrust him making him feel so good. His big cock grasping inside, teasing where it felt like heaven. He moaned loudly as the back of his neck was licked by a rough tongue. _Hisagi licking him…_

The heartbeat against his back, the slapping sound echoing in the room. The blue eyes hooded in needed… “-sagi-san...”, he moaned low and needy.

He was awoken from his deep state as the weight of Grimmjow left him, and his back was empty.

Grimmjow turned him around, and they were facing each other. His legs were pulled up, each one against Grimmjow’s shoulders, and he was deeply penetrated once again.

He melted closing his eyes. The sounds coming from his mouth were embarrassing and uncontrolled, as Grimmjow fucked him right against his prostate, hitting him over and over again. He tried to think about Hisagi again, but all he could feel was those hands holding his tights, and the smell of the Espada. He looked up at the other man, his blue hair disheveled sweaty against his face. His features tensed but soft at the same time.

Grimmjow was god-like.

Kira came without warning as he looked at the Espada doing him, covering his stomach with semen. It was so intense, he came again not even 2 minutes later, as Grimmjow kept hitting the same spot.

Grimmjow fucked him for almost two hours, and by the time he was finished he realized two things: First, that Grimmjow must had ejaculated several times, because of the amount of cum leaking from him, and second, that he couldn’t walk or move his legs.

Sure he wasn’t used to have sex for a while now, but Grimmjow was too intense, and he was sure that if the Espada kept going on he could actually kill him from the over-stimulation and frantic pounding.

How wonderful would that be? Kira smirked falling asleep.

He woke up next to Grimmjow once again. The Espada slept soundly with the kitten nuzzling the top of his head. This time Kira remembered everything and he was confused about it. The main reason being that he wasn’t sure why he was feeling calm. As he laid there watching the Espada sleeping soundly. The rise and fall of his chest, the outline of his profile. Perfect forehead, with perfect nose, with perfect lips. A cheek adorned with a hollow mask that was perfectly shaped like teeth. So fitting… Grimmjow also had perfect teeth, with canines that could reap him apart. It was intriguing that he felt attracted to that mouth, to the point he wished Grimmjow would bite him again, like really hard... He also wished he could kiss him…

They were both late for work, and Kira was even more late as he took his time in the shower cleaning himself, and healing his bottom. His neck in the other hand… the shihakushou hid the bite, but Kira was a bit scared when he saw how deep the marks were, he had probably bled a lot although he ddn't find any blood stains.

No one paid attention to what time they arrived to work.

Kira spent the whole day replaying the night in his head. Grimmjow wanted them to do it, and so did Kira, so this meant that they were both using each other for relief. He was no used to be a fuck buddy or to have friends with benefits type of relationship. However, he wasn’t sure how to classify this thing… if there was even a thing. They just had sex twice… both times, Kira was in an alcoholic state that was clearly clouding his judgment. But... he wouldn’t mind doing it again, but with proper preparation maybe.

His mind was deteriorating as he thought more about this… he had sex with an Arrancar, a Hollow and he liked it… he wouldn’t mind doing it more. Kira really hit rock bottom.

A few days passed and nothing happened. He found himself being stupidly a coward, and didn’t initiate any interaction with Grimmjow. He was sleeping at home, in his own room, while Grimmjow still occupied his living room. He had no courage of talking with Grimmjow or even hinting him for sex when sober. The Espada didn’t act any different than usual. He spent the days training new recruiters in fighting, and the nights lazily lounge around the house with the kitten.

Almost two weeks passed since the wedding and Kira didn’t realize it until this morning. He had been distracted by Grimmjow and the mind-blowing sex they had last time.

The turmoil returned, though, when Otoribashi showed them the place Grimmjow was going to stay. The house was small, and within the main barracks, just a couple of minutes away from Kira, but the blond was utterly unhappy with it.

This was stupid. He should have been glad that Grimmjow got his own place, he could have his living room back, everything clean and tidy. Space for food in his fridge and most importantly, privacy.

But he wasn’t… because he was pathetic, and even having Grimmjow there without saying a word and accepting his body in those two occasions meant a lot to Kira.

Grimmjow had his hands in his pocket as he lurked around. Otoribashi was mumbling about something, as the blond leaned against the door at the entry.

Of course, he wasn’t expecting to develop any sort of relationship with Grimmjow, but just having someone at his house was nice. He was going to be alone again.

The move was as a quick as it was when he arrived. Grimmjow was like a storm that destroyed and took everything with him. That night, Kira arrived into an empty house. The light-blue fur on the floor gone, no kitten, and empty fridge.

He laid on the floor of the living room, same place where the blue fur was, in the dark. He was so foolish, so demented… he hit the back of his head on the floor over and over. His breathing became rapid and shallow. Nauseous, he turned to his side feeling empty and exhausted.

_He was alone again._

His vision became blurred and he passed out.

**0000000000**

Kira woke up at the sound of birds chirping. He was still in the middle of the floor of his living room. He sat uncomfortably and tried to get the guts of getting ready and go to work. As he walked to the bathroom, he felt weaker. He didn’t eat for almost a full day, and wasn’t hungry at all. He was feeling sick since the night before, and as he knelt in front of the toilet and spilled the remaining contents of his stomach he was sure, he wasn’t going to eat that day as well.

He arrived a couple of hours late, and once again no one cared. He spent the day doing reports, and taking care of the budget of the Squad far away from the training grounds. He didn’t want to look at Grimmjow, he just wanted to forget the whole thing about him. The problem was that when he wasn’t thinking about Grimmjow, he was thinking about Hisagi, and that was more dangerous. Popping two anti-depressant pills into his mouth, he let himself drift to sleep during lunch time.

The pills didn’t last, as he threw up once again. His stomach hurt as if he was being stabbed inside out. It hurt so much, he couldn’t even diagnose himself with medical kido.

He went home earlier that day to rest.

**To be continued...**


	4. I am tempted here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and... more smut. No regrets.

“ _Nothing else wounds so deeply and irreparably. Nothing else robs us of hope so much as being unloved by one we love”_

_Clive Barker_

Chapter 4 – _**I am tempted here**_

The commotion outside stirred Kira awake. Voices were loud and urgent.

He sat in his bed wincing from the light coming through the blinds; he had been in bed the previous day due to his stomach pain and he wasn’t sure for how long was he asleep.

The voices were getting louder and it smelled like something was burning.

Dressing his yukata he checked the source of the noise and smell. Outside his door, men where running across the barracks to the main living quarters where there was smoke. Specifically, from Grimmjow’s place. Kira’s eyes widened at that and followed his men. Upon arrival, he saw the apartment partially destroyed and fire being extinguished by the shinigami.

Grimmjow stood casually next to Otoribashi, with his hands in his pockets.

“What happened?” Kira asked and they both turned around.

“Izuru! Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, but what happened?”

Grimmjow stood silent glaring at him.

“Well,” Otoribashi started, “Grimmjow broke the kitchen?” The face of the Captain uncertain of his own words. This was odd, Grimmjow’s apartment wouldn’t simply break.

The Espada just stood there emotionless. Kira wondered if there was more to it. Could it be someone attacked Grimmjow in his house? Many people in Seireitei didn’t accept him yet, it could’ve have been that.

“What now?” Kira asked. Where was he going to stay now?

“About that,” Otoribashi said scratching his head chuckling.

**0000000000**

Grimmjow laid in his furry blanket with his arms behind his head, taking over Kira’s living room. He had asked the Espada why did he destroy his house without receiving a reply. This was strange, Kira had a feeling something was up.

Otoribashi didn’t know what to do, so Kira went back to _babysitting_ him.

Astonishingly, Kira was thankful about this. Grimmjow sprawled in his floor put him at ease. _The loneliness was less lonely with him there._

Kira watched Grimmjow for a while before walking into the bathroom removing his clothes and starting the shower. The hot water poured over him. For the first time in a long time he was actually feeling relaxed. That day he was able to eat and the nausea subsided. And Grimmjow was there…

In the following day, Otoribashi asked for Kira to take Grimmjow with him to the Lieutenant weekly meeting. It was annoying that his Captain did everything he could to not handle Grimmjow. Of course at the meeting everyone was eyeing him weirdly, but Sasakibe must have known Grimmjow would come because he didn’t question why the Espada was there.

Grimmjow sat next to Kira bored of his mind, he could tell, by the way the Espada moved his legs. These type of meetings were not fit for a being of chaos and destruction.

“Kira,” Abarai who sat on the other side of Grimmjow, spoke. “Hisagi is coming back in a couple of days from his honeymoon, right?”

He froze at the question getting him by surprise, but nodded in return.

“We should meet for a drink once he’s back.”

Kira hesitated because he didn’t want. He actually didn’t want to be with Hisagi in any form. Last time they spoke at his wedding, his words pierced him so deeply. “ _I’m really lucky, ain’t I?…_ _”_ He didn’t want to hear Hisagi talking about his married life or how amazing Matsumoto was and how happy he was.

Forcing a smile, he nodded yes.

_He hated this._

Thinking of Hisagi hurt him deeply. Despite of Hisagi and Matsumoto living together for a while, the marriage had a different impact. Kira always had a small hope, a dream, about Hisagi leaving Matsumoto and professing his love for him. _‘You are the one I always loved.’_ But the act of getting married, that was commitment for life, it was a serious decision. And Kira didn’t even wanted to think about the fact that Hisagi wasn’t gay, far from it, he was a man who loved women, especially big breasts and curves. In fact Hisagi liked the most feminine type of women… Kira never had a chance.

The walk back to Third Barracks was strange. An awkward silent walk that made Kira wonder if Grimmjow was still bored out of his mind.

“The meeting must have been quite dull for you,” he spoke without thinking. Grimmjow groaned.

“Aizen used to do meetings like that.”

“What?”

“With the Espada, he liked to do meetings like that. What a waste of time.”

Kira had spend so much time lost in his thoughts about Hisagi and the sex he had with Grimmjow, that he actually forgot that Grimmjow used to answer to Aizen. _The enemy._

“I agree. It’s a waste of time,” sometimes it wasn’t because they would make decisions and delegate important tasks, but most of the times they would just meet to complain or go over problems that occurred. Kira was tired of these meetings, he only made the effort of going to see Hisagi. Although, Hisagi was away for almost two weeks, which he was glad considering that now he was married. But like Abarai said, he would be back soon...

Grimmjow looked at him, but didn’t say anything.

In the evening, Kira ate his takeout alone in the kitchen table while Grimmjow was somewhere in the living room. He picked on his food thinking about the Espada. Grimmjow was so… uncertain. He knew he couldn’t trust him because he was a hollow, but at the same time the sex they had… it had been good.

He finished eating and went to the bathroom to shower; as he walked by he noticed Grimmjow was leaning against the window staring at the night sky. _Creature of the night._

Closing the door he removed his shihakushou and underwear, and turned the warm water on. This was the best part of his day, this moment when he felt the water pouring over him. He stood there for a while until he couldn’t breathe with the amount of steam inside.

He dried his hair with the towel leaving the bathroom until he noticed that Grimmjow was in his room sitting on his futon. The Espada looked at him and waved his hand showing him a bottle of saké.

Kira stood still for a while realizing that he was being invited; Grimmjow never did this kind of stuff, which made him gulp nervously. He sat in the futon and looked at the bottle. Truth be told he had aversion towards alcohol since he got sick last time. He politely refused it, but stayed in the bed. He wondered if Grimmjow was there because he wanted to be with him again.

“Why? You like to drink.”

The question was odd. He liked to drink, but not really. He liked feeling numb; when he drank things became easier, words meant less, thoughts were forgotten.

“I don’t feel like it.”

Grimmjow scowled, and Kira frowned at that. The Espada was acting odd, his frustration clear as water.

“Would y-” he felt his legs being pulled and his body turned around, face falling flat against his pillow. Before he could register what was going on, his yukata was pulled out exposing his bottom, and his ass spread while something pressed against him.

“W-wait,” shutting his eyes in pain he gasped as Grimmjow tried to penetrate him. “P-please, ah.”

Grimmjow ignored his cries as he pressed further, the head of his cock too big for him.

“S-stop…” he gripped the sheets below him, “I said wait!” Kira turned around kicking Grimmjow. The Espada didn’t move, but he did stop. “What is wrong with you?”

“I want to fuck.”

The words hit Kira like fire; his face flushed red. He didn’t remember last time someone told him something like that. In fact, he was pretty sure no one ever said they wanted to fuck like that.

“Y-you could have just asked. You can’t do it like that, you can’t force it.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not correct.”

“You did it.”

At that, Kira closed his mouth, he had no reply. It was true, he forced himself on Grimmjow, the Espada could’ve pushed him away, but the reality was that he didn’t ask if he wanted to do it. He simply did it.

“Yes, but it wasn’t correct.”

“Why? It felt good.”

Kira couldn’t be redder than he was now. He was strangely flattered, even though Grimmjow meant the sex itself.

“You can’t just do it because it feels good, the other person must agree.” Kira frowned at his own words. He spoke as if Grimmjow would have sex with others. The thought made him sick. “Grimmjow, you… are you doing this with others?”

The Espada raised an eyebrow. “Fuck, no. That’s disgusting.” What was? Kira was confused. “Do I look like I fuck shinigami?”

“You fucked me.”

Grimmjow tilted his head.

“That’s different, you smell good.”

Officially, Kira’s brain succumbed from all the blood rushing. What was the Espada saying? He smelled good? What…? His heart beat faster as he saw Grimmjow staring at him, shitagi opened exposing amazing muscles.

“I want to fuck,” Grimmjow repeated.

Kira bit his lower lip and nodded his head. He wanted to do it, he wanted Grimmjow to make him feel whole again. Grimmjow grabbed his leg, but Kira stopped him leaning against him.

“Wait! I want too, but we have to do it the proper way or it will hurt.”

Grimmjow leaned on his arms, but didn’t say anything. This was his cue that Grimmjow was opened to what he wanted to do. He hesitantly moved and sat on top of Grimmjow straddling him. He honestly didn’t know where his courage came from, but Grimmjow wanted to fuck him and he wanted to be fucked so badly by him that he wouldn’t waste this moment. It was beyond hindsight time, he didn’t care about consequences as long as he had sex.

“The other times it hurt a lot because you are big,” Kira said sheepish. “I had to heal myself, so this time I need to prepare myself first.”

“How?” Grimmjow asked lowly, his voice was husky. It made him shiver. Grimmjow’s mouth was parted, his lips were inviting. Kira leaned forward slightly.

“Foreplay,” he said; he really wanted to kiss him. Would Grimmjow allow him? Would he kiss back? “Wanna try?” he murmured and Grimmjow stared at his eyes. Kira’s eyes fell on his lips again and he was drawn to them, and he closed his eyes he pressed his mouth against Grimmjow’s. He moaned as he moved his mouth against the Espada who didn’t return. Parting away, he looked at Grimmjow with heavy lids, grabbing his face with both hands; the touch of the hard mask, it should’ve bothered him but it didn’t. He pressed his mouth again but harder, his tongue licking Grimmjow’s firm lips. He believed he was going to be the only kissed until Grimmjow opened his mouth and met Kira’s tongue with his own. He melted at the touch, Grimmjow’s taste unique and so _so good._ His hands moved to the back of his head, entangling in the blue hair and he pushed himself closer to Grimmjow, his body sitting flushed against him. Grimmjow’s hands ran in his legs beneath the yukata pulling him closer.

It had been so long since Kira kissed someone, he had forgotten how much he enjoyed it.

Kira tilted his head kissing the Espada deeper, Grimmjow’s tongue rough and needy licked him all over. Grimmjow was sloppy, almost as if he had never done this before, but damn, the intensity and the way he lapped and sucked Kira’s tongue… it compensated all the sloppiness. Grimmjow licked his lower lip and then his jaw. It was so arousing; his cock ground against Grimmjow and he could swear that if he continued to kiss like that he was going to come.

Kira moaned and met his lips again into another mind-blowing kiss feeling dizzy from the warmth of the Espada; Grimmjow’s hands moved to his bare ass below the yukata and squeezed hard. He whimpered against his tongue and ground his cock further, feeling Grimmjow’s bulge.

Grimmjow’s skin was soft below his hand, and he couldn’t help but touch everywhere he could; removing the shitagi, he felt Grimmjow tug his yukata pushing it off of his shoulders as well. The Espada’s mouth moving to his neck while he sniffed him.

The room was filled with the sound of Kira’s panting and gasps as he continued to move his hips. The feeling of having a strong body below him was beyond this world, he was addicted to the feeling of Grimmjow’s grabbing his ass, and his wet mouth hoovering his neck. Grimmjow’s tongue was rough, similar to a cat, and the way it felt against his neck send electric vibrations across his body. Grimmjow mouthed him where shoulder meets neck and bit making him whimper once again, his cock leaking so much… Grimmjow continued to devour his neck and he couldn’t control his body trembling.

With the little strength he had he pushed Grimmjow down, gazing at what was one of the most attractive people he ever met. He traced his hands across Grimmjow’s chest, nipples, abs until he reached the hollow hole. For a second he stopped staring at the hole; in the back of his mind a warning reminded him that normal people didn’t have holes there. Grimmjow was not normal. But hell, neither was he.

He crawled away from Grimmjow retrieving the lube from a drawer. Grimmjow immediately removed his hakama, exposing shamelessly his erected member in way that made Kira’s mouth water, but instead of sucking him like last time, Kira kissed him in the lips. Grimmjow’s kisses were just too damn good. He straddled him again, and Grimmjow pulled him by his ass taking off the yukata for good. Their hard members glided together at the same intensity as their tongues. Kira’s eyes shut in pleasure, he wasn’t going to endure for long. Without stopping the kiss, he coated his fingers with lube and raised his hips to reach his entrance. Grimmjow groaned in complain at the loss of the touch, making Kira grabbing his hard cock to compensate.

He teased his entrance and tried to push one finger inside. Despite of having sex last week, he had healed himself which made it as if he didn’t do anything for years – just like the first time they did it, although he barely remember it. One finger in, he tried to push another and grunted, this was going to take a while, especially with Grimmjow’s kisses distracting him like they were now. The Espada’s mouth left him and he looked down at what Kira was doing. The second finger was still mid way, when he saw Grimmjow grabbing the lube and pouring over his fingers. His finger went inside a bit more, making it easier to pull out and then back in. Grimmjow looked up to his face, his left hand still in his ass cheek, and then his right hand joined Kira’s fingers. Kira’s heart couldn’t beat any faster as he understood what was happening. Grimmjow’s finger joined his and he closed his eyes. It hurt, but at the same time it was thrilling. Grimmjow’s finger testing, teasing him; he removed slowly his fingers and Grimmjow added a second one right away.

He leaned when he cleaned his hand in his discarded yukata, and Grimmjow took the opportunity to change the pace of his fingers going deeper, making him groan. He could feel him being stretched, being opened by digits that were so different from his own; Grimmjow pressed particularly hard against his insides making him pant. The more he panted, the more Grimmjow fingered him and it reached a point where he was sure he was going to come.

“W-wait… p-please, let’s do it…” Kira whimpered grabbing Grimmjow’s cock. He wanted to come with him inside. The Espada removed his fingers and let Kira coat his member slick with lube. Kira wrapped his free arm around Grimmjow’s neck pulling him into another kiss and guided the cock with his other hand to his bottom.

The moan left his throat in a higher pitch than normal, when Grimmjow pulled him down against his cock. The head entering him, his breathing harsh against the Espada. Grimmjow frowned, thrusting up slowly, then down, in and out. This felt different than before; last time it was frantic, without thought. Now, it was calmer, but more intense. Every single touch was much more sensitive than before, every cell in his body vibrated with the sensation. Kira had never felt like this when having sex before.

In a couple a minutes, Kira was riding Grimmjow on his own. They continued to kiss while Kira moved up and down, Grimmjow’s cock thick and so hard inside him he thought he was going to die. His moans filled the room, and when Grimmjow sped, thrusting right against his prostate he cried aloud. It was shameful the way he couldn’t control his voice, Grimmjow was so intense he couldn’t move his hips anymore, he just grabbed Grimmjow’s shoulder holding thigh, pressing their tongues together.

Not able to hold it anymore, he touched himself and the moment he did it, his vision turned white, his breathing stopped when he came between them in a loud moan. Grimmjow’s thrusts didn’t cease, and became even more aggravated not letting Kira recover from his orgasm. He pounded him harder to the point Kira was sure he was going to faint if he continued.

“G-Grimmjow,” he murmured among groans, and the Espada reacted by pushing him into the futon, not stopping his movements.

Grimmjow pined him in the bed, his strong arms on each side of Kira’s head, while he penetrated him. Sweat covered his body, blue strands of hair falling in his face, mouth slightly parted. Their eyes met and Grimmjow frowned as he pounded harder against him, a low moan coming from his mouth as he came deep inside him.

It was the sexiest sight Kira ever saw.

Grimmjow’s body weight fell on him, the Espada breathing harshly against his neck. Kira looked at the ceiling satisfied. The afterglow soothing him in a warm trance.

The breathing in his neck calmed down and for his dismay, Grimmjow slowly parted away from him, sitting between his legs; the movement made Kira groan feeling Grimmjow’s member still inside him. The Espada stared at him for a while, his expression unreadable. Suddenly, Kira felt extremely self-conscious with his nudity, his legs spread leaving nothing to hide; Grimmjow could see everything. They stood in silence until Grimmjow smirked, and adjusted himself between his legs pushing his member deep inside of him.

Kira cried out not expecting the movement. How could Grimmjow still be hard was something he couldn’t understand, the Espada had an incredible stamina. Same thing happened last time. And he realized that he was also getting aroused, Grimmjow made him feel like a horny teenager.

Soon, his hips moved against the thrusts, the heat between them so thick he could drown. Grimmjow was all over him, below him, in front, behind, his touch was like fire and he was getting so addicted. He let himself bask in the scent of Grimmjow and the pleasure that controlled his body over his reasoning.

The sun shone bright through the blinds of his window. The warmth against him felt gentle and cozy; embracing the warmth, Kira slowly opened his eyes.

Grimmjow laid facing him with his leg between Kira’s. He was awake watching him. The oddity of the moment was that Kira’s heart was beating fast, and he blushed seeing Grimmjow staring at him. Waking up like this after the night they had together… it was…

The _thing_ with Grimmjow should be just sex. Amazing great sex, that took him over the edge, his bottom reminding him of that... So, w aking up like this after the night they had was just… _it was kind of scary._

Grimmjow’s eyes were soft, his usual frown completely gone from his features. Kira bit his lower lip, moving his hand slowly to caress the mask. The Espada lightly flinched, so lightly that the blond barely noticed. The mask was hard beneath his fingers, he traced the shape with his fingers. It _really_ should bother him, but it didn’t.

He leaned forward and pressed their lips together.

He was kissed back.

**0000000000**

The amount of paperwork he had lately was absurd to the point he wondered if Otoribashi was doing it on purpose. Kira had been working since morning, skipping lunch due to the annoying pain in his lower abdomen. It would come and go, he really had to check on that.

Stretching his arms his eyes landed on the training grounds outside his window. The newbies were practicing fighting bare hand. However, what caught his attention wasn’t the practice, but the one conducting it. Grimmjow had his hands in his pocket and was talking harshly with the unseated officers.

It had been a couple of days since that night, but Kira still remembered it vividly. Lately it was all he could think off – Grimmjow. Maybe because he still had that lingering pressure in his ass that he refused to heal because he wanted to remember.

It was obvious he was physically attracted to him, the Espada made him feel things he longed for, and it’s not like he was an asshole to him. Grimmjow actually seemed okay to live in his house and talk with him; even if the talk was down to the minimum. Reality was that Kira and Grimmjow were sexually compatible and they took advantage of that.

Sex. That was it. Just because last time he woke up snuggled against the Espada and had lewd morning sex didn’t meant anything else. Espadas shouldn’t feel more than that, so Kira shouldn’t overthink things.

Grimmjow scowled at one of the members who bowed to him and left, his eyes then moved to Kira’s window. The blond turned bright red and paid attention to the document in his hands. Grimmjow couldn’t see him because of the curtains, but he kind of felt like he was caught gawking.

Could Espada read minds?

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next - Hisagi returns...


	5. I am the hunter, I am the prey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear that there's some plot coming... It's just that whenever I write a scene with these two, they just want to do it...

“ _He was both everything I could ever want… And nothing I could ever have…”_ ** _  
_**_Ranata Suzuki_

Chapter 5 – _**I am the hunter, I am the prey**_

Kira woke up feeling sick, his throat hurt and when he tried to talk he realized no sound came out. He stumbled to the bathroom and turned the faucet on to wash his face. When he looked up to the mirror, a hollow mask covered his face, he starred in horror at his reflection.

He woke with a yelp. The darkness of his bedroom involved him in relief, it had been just a dream. He cringed at the pain in his stomach, below his navel. It was there for days now, something was wrong with him; he tried to use kidou to understand what was causing the pain, but couldn’t feel anything. Anything at all.

Contorting in the fetal position he tried to stay quiet, to not wake up Grimmjow who slept in the living room.

**0000000000**

It had been a few days since Kira took any anxiety pills. To be more specific, he hadn’t take any since his second sex encounter with Grimmjow. There had been no need for them; in these past days Kira had felt a calmness he didn’t remember feeling for a long time. Also, it was quite obvious that the reason he was feeling a bit more lively, was the Espada. Grimmjow was a great distraction, and the thought of Kira being needed even if just a little, even if just for sex… it was the best feeling he had for a while.

Grimmjow was unintelligible, a paradox. In one hand, he was a scary former Espada who, once, answered to Aizen, he was a being of chaos and destruction, a hollow, an eater of souls; in the other hand he was someone who decided for whatever reason to work with shinigami, to join the Gotei 13 and was now training new recruits and tenured ones in zanjutsu and hakuda. He was someone who decided to let Kira touch him, and touched him back.

Kira had been watching him in the past days, the way Grimmjow spoke with others, the way he frowned annoyed at those who were weak, the smirk whenever he found something entertaining, the gaze when their eyes met. There was a tingle in his body whenever he saw Grimmjow, and whenever Grimmjow spoke with him, he didn’t know how to react.

Argh! This was so stupid! He had no problems in straddling Grimmjow and touch him, making out with him, and more, but when trying to talk with him, his brain would freeze to the point of becoming mute. What could he talk anyway? They had nothing in common.

_What do Espada like to talk about?_

Kira was evaluating the new members while they fought each other, sitting next to Grimmjow. The Espada’s leg was bent up casually, he sighed looking bored.

One of the new members fell face flat on the floor after being defeated.

“Tche,” Grimmjow grimaced. “That one sucks.”

“He’s new at this, he can make it with more training.”

“He fucking sucks. There’s no training that can fix that.”

Kira had to agree that the newbie was really bad, but it’s not like they could afford to dismiss anyone. Since the betrayal there were less people applying to become a shinigami not trusting the Gotei 13. He needed for the Espada to do his best in making the new members full fledged fighters.

“Not even with you training him?” Kira said sheepish looking side ways to him. Grimmjow raised an eyebrow, and Kira realized that his voice sounded lower than it should. He resisted the will to lick his dry lips.

Grimmjow’s feline eyes narrowed, and he leaned back in his hand.

“Trying to butter up my ass?”

“Yes, a little,” Kira admitted and smiled. “But I mean it. You clearly know how to do it, you are fierce and have strength and… stamina.” Their eyes met, “but you lack technique and discipline. You just go with your instinct so it’s difficult for you to understand what the others around you are feeling and adapt your skills accordingly.”

“Really?” Grimmjow asked, “You didn’t seem to mind. I remember you asking for more.”

Kira turned red, but did all he could to contain his expression. The newbies were distracted sparring, but if one of them decided to look at them, they would noticed Grimmjow facing him, leaning on his arm.

“I meant your teaching skills,” he replied. He couldn’t believe Grimmjow teased him like this. This was a first.

“You’re quite the observant.” the Espada stated. “But you’re wrong, I don’t lack technique. I just don’t have patience.”

“Really? You seemed to have last time.” Kira finally licked his dry lips.

“I do when I want to.”

Shit, what was this mood?

“Kira-Fukutaichou, it’s noon.” His head snapped back to the newbies, who were waiting for an answer.

“Yes, let’s do lunch break and be back in the afternoon.”

They all left, leaving Kira and Grimmjow alone.

Grimmjow still looked at him with a cocky grin, his eyes dark; Kira knew that expression, he had seen it a few times now.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he asked, getting up.

“Why?”

“It makes me feel uncomfortable,” he said turning around.

“Does it?” he jumped as Grimmjow spoke against his ear. The Espada was so fast he didn’t realize he moved. He turned around facing him, the bright blue eyes reading him so easily.

“Y-yes.”

Grimmjow’s licked his top lip slightly and leaned down.

“You fucking like it.”

“Maybe I do,” he replied back, looking at his mouth.

“Let’s do it then.”

“Later.”

“Now.”

This wasn’t a negotiation, but Kira felt like he was somehow losing.

“No, we have work, and there’s no chance that we would finish it in time.”

“Fuck work.”

Kira couldn’t help but smirk, Grimmjow wanted him and this cat and mouse teasing game made his body quiver.

“I thought you wanted to fuck me.”

“That’s the plan. Maybe I should just fuck you now.”

“Or maybe… we wait until the afternoon and dismiss the new members early, go home, and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me.”

“Now we’re talking.”

Grimmjow grinned and he grinned back, staring at each other. He couldn’t wait to go home and do it with Grimmjow.

“Kira?”

His smile dropped at the voice coming from the door. Tall, tanned and surprised; the most unexpected person…

“Hisagi-san.” His heart sunk at the thought that Hisagi might have heard his conversation with Grimmjow. “You’re back.” he moved away from the Espada, hopping his voice sounded normal.

“Yeah, I returned yesterday,” Hisagi smiled beautifully, and Kira just studied his features. Two weeks without seeing him seemed like an eternity. “Came here to ask you for lunch.”

Hisagi looked over to the Espada and then back to Kira, the Ninth Division Fukutaichou never liked the idea of the Espada being a shinigami. Before the wedding he had told Kira his concerns about Grimmjow staying in the Third Division, that hollows should never be trusted, and there was probably a hidden agenda behind him being at Seireitei.

“Great timing then,” Kira said, “Grimmjow, see you after lunch.”

Grimmjow didn’t reply.

**0 000000000**

Kira and Hisagi sat next to each other in one of the booths in the corner of the restaurant where they normally had lunch. Hisagi was telling him all the places he and Matsumoto visited in the human world. He didn’t want to hear it, but smiled at Hisagi as he spoke.

“Oh yeah!” Hisagi removed a small package from his kosode and gave it to Kira. “This is for you.”

“You didn’t have to Hisagi-san.” He unwrapped the package, and it was a book.

“Yes, I had. I went to this awesome place and read it, and I thought that you would like it to.”

Inside the cover there was a message written, ‘ _To Kira, my favorite man in the world_ . _Hisagi.’_ Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Hisagi was always doing things like that, and Kira was so fucking stupid to the point of taking this acts of kindness to heart, as if it meant something more than it did.

“Thank you, Hisagi-san.”

“That place was amazing! It was a 5 store bookshop. 5 stores! Can you imagine that?” Hisagi was so excited it made him smile. “Rangiku doesn’t like books, so I couldn’t be there for a long time. But damn, I wish you were there with me, you would have love it.”

Kira smiled sadly at him, Hisagi’s kindness was so cruel it made him sick, the lingering stress pain in his stomach increased.

“Are you okay, you seem kind of off.”

“Yes, I am. 5 stores of books? Wow that seems like heaven.”

“It was, Kira, it was!”

Their food was served and Kira kept listening to Hisagi’s stories until the subject changed to Grimmjow.

“You seemed to be in good terms when I picked you up.”

Kira blushed slightly thinking about what they were talking about before Hisagi’s arrival.

“We’re good. Grimmjow is being a great help with the newbies.”

“I never thought you would say that,” Hisagi stated eating.

“Why is that?”

“Well, I think you and I are the ones who hate Arrancar the most. The fact we have an Espada with us, is so disrespectful.”

Kira didn’t say anything, if just having Grimmjow in the Gotei 13 was disrespectful then everything Kira did was what?

“Can we talk about something else, Hisagi-san, I don’t want to discuss about work.”

“Sorry, you’re right. Anyways, tonight Rangiku and I are hosting a dinner and of course I would like you to come.”

“I-”

“Please don’t say no. You always do that.”

Kira looked down at his plate, swallowing dry. He never said no to Hisagi, he would always go with him wherever he wanted to go. He only said no to everyone else, and that included Matsumoto. He couldn’t stand being with the couple, the wedding had been the final straw.

Although, this time was different. He actually had plans with Grimmjow. _Sex plans._

Suddenly, Hisagi put his arm around his shoulder, hugging him side ways.

“Kira, I’m serious I won’t accept no for an answer. Please do this for me.” Hisagi smelled good. “Please.”

“Okay.”

The brunet hugged him tighter, making him lean against him and close his eyes.

He didn’t want to go, but he wanted to be with Hisagi.

He was so pathetic.

After lunch, the newbies were sparring again, and this time Grimmjow was giving advice to the weak one.

“The reason why you suck is because you have no clue how to defend. Attacking will lead you to no where if you get beaten in return.”

The Espada went around the other newbies pointing out what to improve. The conversation they had before made him consider his teaching skills. Maybe Grimmjow was not the brute chaotic being Kira thought he was.

As agreed, Kira dismissed the newbies early and they went home together. Grimmjow had been quiet the entire walk home with his hands in his pockets scowling, much different from the teaser from the morning.

When they arrived at home, the kitten came running towards Grimmjow who picked him up and went to the kitchen.

Kira in the other hand went to his room and put the book Hisagi gave him down in his desk; he was doing everything he could to not think about the fact that Hisagi got him a gift when he was in his honeymoon. That Hisagi had gone to a place he loved but Matsumoto didn’t appreciated and the brunet wished his best friend was there with him…

Kira sighed; he had a couple of hours with Grimmjow before the dinner. He just wanted to get distracted.

After a few minutes of waiting for Grimmjow to join him in his room, he went to living room where the other was leaning against the window with the kitten in his shoulder. To be honest, Kira wasn’t expecting this, after all the teasing.

He joined Grimmjow at the window. The Espada ignored him, so Kira moved against him and kissed his exposed neck; he kept being ignored, so he lapped Grimmjow’s neck and bit to get his attention. At this point only the kitten moved jumping to the floor.

Why was Grimmjow acting like this?

“I thought you wanted to fuck,” the words left his mouth sounding more hurtful than he meant. He didn’t like to sound so desperate, like he was the only one wanting this.

“You stink,” Grimmjow replied still looking outside.

“Oh,” Kira said embarrassed, he didn’t know he smelled bad. “I can take a shower.” Still, no response. Kira waited a couple more minutes; shamefully he went to the bathroom and removed his shihakushou that oddly didn’t smell like anything.

He tried to scrub his skin as much as he could washing at least three times; he had never been accused of smelling bad before, and he hoped that Grimmjow wasn’t turn off by that. Grimmjow liked the way he smelled, and this is why he was having sex with him. If he stank…

His skin was red by now, he was super clean, he had even brushed his teeth, it was impossible that he smelled bad. He dried as fastest as he could and went back to the living room, grabbing lube on his way; Grimmjow sat by the window shirtless among empty packs of milk on the floor.

“Grimmjow,” he called and for the first time since they arrived, the Espada looked at him giving the courage to remove the towel from his waist and standing completely naked in front of him. The feline blue eyes moved up and down through his body and he went to where Grimmjow was, kneeling in front of him.

Still no response.

“Do I still stink?” he asked kissing him in the mouth roughly darting his tongue inside not giving Grimmjow the opportunity to reply. And... Grimmjow didn’t respond. Kira was _officially_ desperate, he didn’t understand why Grimmjow didn’t want him anymore.

He cringed at the emergent pain in his lower abdomen. Stopping the kiss, he maintained his lips hovering Grimmjow’s.

“You don’t want me?” he whimpered; feeling as weak as the first time they were in his house and was held by his neck against the wall.

“You smell like him.”

What? What did he meant?

“Like whom?”

“Your friend. His smell is on you.”

Would it be ridiculous to think that Kira’s heart just stopped beating? Or would it more ridiculous the face he was making?

“He just hugged me.”

Grimmjow didn’t reply but was frowning. So, the Espada didn’t want to touch him because he smelled of Hisagi? What was with this twist of events?

“Then, how can I remove his smell? How can I have your smell on me instead?” Kira genuinely asked, if it were a couple of weeks before he would’ve done anything to smell like Hisagi, but now… he just wanted to have Grimmjow. He wanted Grimmjow to want him back.

The Espada leaned his head contemplating his question. He was thinking about it…

“I want your smell in me,” Kira added and kissed him, moaning as he felt Grimmjow kissing him back. Grimmjow’s hands grabbed him pulling him up by his ass and without realizing he was taken to the blue furry blanket on the floor. He sucked on Grimmjow’s rough tongue frantically until he separated them.

“I can do whatever I want to you,” Grimmjow said licking his lips.

“That’s what we agreed.”

“Turn around.”

Kira complied and laid on his stomach, the pillow in his face smelled like Grimmjow, it was musky and earthy with something so unique, _so Grimmjow._ Maybe the way Grimmjow sensed smell was different than the way he did, maybe he could capture things that shinigami couldn’t, but Kira understood the power of smell. Grimmjow smelled sexy, and that made him extremely aroused.

Grimmjow leaned against him, his breathing fluttering in his nape. His entire body shivered in anticipation. Grimmjow’s tongue licked the back of his neck and he closed his eyes in pleasure; his tongue was so damn good… he held his voice until a sharp pain piercing his trapezis muscle. Grimmjow bit him hard making him bleed, and what he did next would forever be stuck in his head. He sucked his blood licking it all clean. Kira was in a daze, as felt himself being mouthed across his shoulders and neck, it hurt, but it felt so good.

Grimmjow pulled him up so he sat with his back against his chest, while he continue to suck and bite against his neck. Blood dripped to his chest and stomach. He turned his head to face Grimmjow who had red all over his mouth and jaw, and he leaned to kiss him tasting his own blood.

Their tongues moved lewdly, drooling dripping from the corner of his mouth. His shoulders hurt, but he moved around so he could face Grimmjow and kiss even further. It was so addictive, he wondered how Grimmjow’s blood tasted and bit his tongue hard. The Espada groaned, and Kira smiled as he tasted the metallic flavor. He sucked harder taking in all he could, the same way that Grimmjow did.

Hands grabbed his ass and hips with a bruising grip; he ground his aching member against the strong body below him. Grimmjow’s mouth moved back to his neck and chest licking the dripping blood smudging with red and saliva, he licked everywhere including his nipple and this point Kira couldn’t stop panting and moaning. The mouth didn’t leave his nipple sucking hard and he could swear he was about to come soon.

“G-Grimmjow.”

The rough tongue moved lower to his stomach, to his navel. Grimmjow stared for a while raising an eyebrow and licked his belly button, continuing going down, cleaning all the blood drops in its path, as he licked lower right in his V hip line, Grimmjow’s hair tickled his sensitive member and he came hard, spilling in his abdomen and chest.

Tears fell from his eyes at the intense climax, his body trembling; he looked down at Grimmjow who was grinning, so hot. Dammit, Grimmjow’s mouth was so erotic, his tongue so good and skilled.

Kira’s heart twisted as he still felt aroused, his cock still hard and twitching. He wanted to make Grimmjow feel good too.

“L-let me suck you,” he asked between breaths, sitting down. This grabbed Grimmjow’s attention, who knelt removing his hakama and Kira didn’t waste time sucking the needy cock. Closing his eyes he took it in his mouth the most he could, humming at the taste of pre-cum in his tongue. Grimmjow grabbed the back of his head and thrust hard and urgently, all he could do was accepting it and suck the best he could. His hand roamed Grimmjow’s body: chest, abs, and when it lingered on the edge of his hollow hole, Grimmjow’s cock twisted in his mouth. So, he repeated, lightly pressing his fingers around the hole, and Grimmjow grunted in pleasure fucking his mouth rapidly. When Kira pressed the inside, Grimmjow came hard inside his mouth.

He swallowed tasting Grimmjow in his tongue, so good… cum generally didn’t taste good, it tasted _sexy,_ but not good, but Grimmjow’s cum tasted fucking sweet. He licked his lips not wasting a single drop.

Grimmjow looked at him panting hard and attacked him down kissing him senseless, their saliva mixed with Grimmjow’s cum and Kira could swear he was close to coming again. He wrapped his arms and legs around the Espada feeling the weight of his body.

He was so needy, the building pressure in his member, the touch of Grimmjow’s hands, the taste of his mouth, his smell… it made him lose his mind. He didn’t care about anything in the world, on the exception of being with Grimmjow.

“I want you so bad,” he said without thinking, and Grimmjow pulled away, lifting his leg up, and licking his tight down to his groin, where he was before, and then further down. Kira closed his eyes again, when Grimmjow’s tongue licked down his perineum and then his entrance. Grimmjow was eating him out…

He couldn’t think, just feel.

The rough tongue slobbered him wet, and soon a finger teased him. Kira wanted this so much, he didn’t even flinched as the finger entered him in one go. He wanted to be fucked so badly… He did flinch though, when the finger met his prostrate, groaning in pleasure, especially as Grimmjow increased the pace and didn’t stop touching the same place.

His cock leaked non stop every time Grimmjow pressed further. Looking up the Espada watched him, then his eyes moved to the leaking member. A second finger joined, and at the same time Grimmjow licked Kira’s dirty stomach tasting the spilled cum, and the more he licked the faster his fingers became. The rough tongue licked from the base of his cock to the head, flickering at the pre-cum that pooled at the tip from all of his touches.

“Ah…” It felt so good and when the head was licked again, he cried out. “I’m g-gonna cum.”

Grimmjow added a third digit and fingered him harder, it was all it took to make him ejaculate a second time. His vision blurred and the sounds around him muted for a second. Grimmjow’s face was dirty with his cum. The Espada’s tongue tried to reach all it could, and Kira grabbed his head pulling him down to a mind-blowing kiss tasting himself; and licking the remnants of his own cum in Grimmjow’s hollow mask.

“Fuck me.”

Grimmjow’s eyes were hooded in need, more than he ever saw before. Fingers left him and a slick cock pressed against him entering gently, making him gasp loud against Grimmjow’s mouth. Within seconds he was being pounded against the floor, with his moans echoing in the room. How was it possible that after coming two times he still wanted to come more? What was going on with his body?

Grimmjow was merciless in the best way possible, every thrust was perfect and felt overwhelmingly good. Grimmjow was right, he didn’t lack technique, he deliberately touched where it felt good.

Kira’s arms moved to the small of Grimmjow’s back and then ass pulling him closer for Grimmjow to fuck him harder. His own mouth licked his neck and shoulder tasting the sweaty skin, the Espada’s smell was so sweet, so tempting, so addictive, he bit it by instinct and Grimmjow increased his speed making him literally cry in pleasure. Kira’s teeth sank harder in the neck and he could taste the sweet-sweet blood and once again he climaxed.

He was so dizzy he couldn’t feel his body anymore, and let himself being manhandled so he was straddling Grimmjow, who was laying down. Grimmjow moved his ass up and down and he shamelessly cried as he rode Grimmjow. He had no energy anymore, but his body was not responding to him and just moved at the pace Grimmjow thrust.

One of the hands cupped his face gently making him look down meeting the bright blue eyes. His heart twisted again and he cried coming once again; the hand in his face moved to the back of his hair pulling it hard as Grimmjow grunted deeply.

Kira fell on top of Grimmjow motionless, he breathed heavily and tired. The Espada was in the same stated he was, but looking up at the ceiling.

Kira really liked Grimmjow’s profile, he also really liked his body and the way he smelled. His tongue, his hands, his fingers, his hair, his eyes, his lips. _Kira really liked him._

His stomach didn’t hurt, but his heart ached. Not in a bad way, just in a scary way.

With the little strength he had, he moved to face Grimmjow. They stared at each other in silence.

“How do I smell now?” he asked amused, knowing very well he smelled of sex.

“Me.”

“Then I smell good,” Kira replied kissing his lips, and Grimmjow kissed him back. His heart beat so fast he could feel it in his entire body. As he analyzed again Grimmjow, so did his thoughts.

‘ _Shit, I really like him.’_

The laid next to each other for a few minutes, with Kira almost falling asleep. He came 5 times in such a short amount of time, his body wasn’t used to that. Hell, he didn’t even know he could do that. He had never been with someone who could make him come twice, much less 5 times.

The sun was setting, making the room darker. It hit Kira that he had to go to Hisagi’s dinner. But he didn’t want to… Here with Grimmjow everything felt so good, his eyes, his smell, his voice. With Hisagi it would be painful, listening to love stories he didn’t want about the couple he didn’t want to see.

He promised Hisagi he would go to dinner, but the way Grimmjow was looking at him now…

“Why are you doing that face?” the Espada asked licking the corner of his mouth, he couldn’t stop following the tongue with his eyes.

“Just wondering if I can make it for another round. But I think I reached my limit, you totally beat my ass,” he replied groggy turning on his stomach.

“I can make you, make it,” Grimmjow said grinning sitting. His neck and chest were full of bite marks, _bite marks made by Kira._

“Make me.”

The Espada didn’t even wait and went behind him, pulling his hips up. Kira blushed bright red as Grimmjow stared at his ass, cum leaking obscenely, then his eyes rounded as felt Grimmjow’s tongue licking his entrance gently, probing.

_Shit, Grimmjow was right, he could make him go for round two._


	6. Cruel, cruel world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support! I can't believe that so many people are interested in GrimmjowxKira goodness. I'm so happy I'm not the only one! <3<3<3
> 
> Regarding this chapter:  
> Grimmjow and Kira's relationship won't always be the healthiest one, especially considering we are talking about an Espada -a being of chaos and destruction. In no situation, is violence okay in a relationship and I deeply condemn it. However, this is a fanfiction which means it's not real, and no one should make it a life example. Please take all the warnings in the first chapter and the tags seriously. I won't add anymore of these warnings in future chapters to avoid spoilers, so consider yourself warned.
> 
> Thank you!

“ _To love another person is to see the face of God.”_

_Victor Hugo_

Chapter 6 – _**Cruel, cruel world**_

Something was seriously wrong with his body.

The more Grimmjow touched him, the more aroused he became. It was almost as if he was under the influence of a drug.

His bottom ached, making him whimper as Grimmjow lapped him teasing the sensitive entrance. He was exhausted, pretty much at his limit, but his body didn’t respond to him, it was completely at Grimmjow’s mercy, and his cock was as hard as it was when they started kissing despite of coming so many times. Burying his face in the pillow he could only melt at the feeling of the skilled tongue.

Grimmjow parted from him, sitting on his knees, then he pulled Kira against him so he could sit in his lap against his chest. He couldn’t move anymore, his body so tired… but when Grimmjow grabbed his waist and inserted his big cock inside him with barely no resistance, he cried out not sure if in pain or pleasure, although the later one came fast.

His body bounced as Grimmjow thrust up fast and urgent. His mind was empty of any thought on the exception that he wanted more, he needed more.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, if hours or minutes, but he was completely wet in both sweat and cum, and when he came to his senses, he was being fucked against the wall next to the door of his bedroom with his legs wrapped against Grimmjow’s waist. The Espada was biting him his neck again, and his entire body hurt… his vision blurred… it almost felt like he was drunk… his room filled with darkness around him…

… the weight on top of him was a lot, he could barely breath, but at the same time, he could barely speak, just whine at the feeling inside him… the pressure in his cock was so great he could only grabbed it and jerk off in need as the feeling continued. He wished it didn’t end…

… it didn’t stop coming to the point where it was just coming out clear…

… he was crying, tears falling non stop as he was pounded against the floor, his voice asking for more…

… Grimmjow’s smelled so damn good…

Kira opened his eyes as he felt water around him. It took him a while until he realized that he was against Grimmjow’s body straddling him, his head snuggling in Grimmjow’s neck. They were both sitting in the bathtub, the water tap running, filling it.

The blond stirred in pain, his shoulders hurt so much he couldn’t move his arms up. He winced as he tried to move his legs, his ass also hurt… a lot.

“I thought you were dead.”

He looked up at Grimmjow who scanned his face gently. Grimmjow’s lips were swollen, his eyes tired, but there was a glint of something that made his body spark. Kira couldn’t stop himself leaning forward into a kiss. Nothing lewd or lustful as before, just a simple kiss.

He looked down at Grimmjow’s neck and shoulders and then chest and noticed the faded bruises. Touching with his hand questionably, Grimmjow answered as if he was reading his mind.

“Arrancar regenerate fast, although I don’t know how you were able to get through my hierro,” Grimmjow’s voice was so husky and tender… “Bet you have some hidden power you haven’t shown yet.”

“Inner power?”

“Normal shinigami can’t do shit against me.”

Grimmjow closed the water tap once the bathtub was filled and leaned back. Kira tried to also move, but held his arm in pain.

“I can regenerate fast, but you can’t. You’ll need to heal yourself.”

Looking down at his shoulders and chest, Kira saw the amount of bruises he had, the amount of bite marks. Glimpses of the night returned image by image, and he blushed at all the things they did. He had no strength to heal himself, so he leaned forward resting against Grimmjow’s neck closing his eyes inhaling his scent.

This was nirvana.

He woke up in his bed alone, even though the space next to him was still warm. The light coming from the closed blinds was strong.

“Shit,” he mumbled looking at the hours. It was past 10 am, and he was beyond late. Pushing down the sheets he groaned in pain, his shoulders and arms were so sore as if he was beaten. He did his best to get out of bed, but the moment he tried to get up he fell immediately, his legs and hips were not responding. There was no way he could walk like this, and he had to go to work.

Lately he had arrived late many times, he couldn’t also miss work again. He did all he could to crawl to his closet to look at the mirror inside the door, and he gasped as he looked at his body.

His neck, shoulders and chest were completely bruised in red and purple marks, some of the them deep flesh wounds. These were bite marks from Grimmjow, and no matter how scary it was that when Grimmjow was aroused hecould hurt him like that, Kira smiled at the marks, because someone wanted him to the point of doing this to him. He ran his fingers in the wounds flinching at the pain, blushing at the memories.

He looked at his own face in the mirror smiling, his hair disheveled and he smiled wider. _He was wanted._ Even if it was just his body, someone actually wanted him… he heard footsteps behind and saw Grimmjow through the mirror who was looking back at him drinking from a cartoon of milk naked.

Grimmjow wanted him… and he wanted Grimmjow. Even if it was just physical, even if it was just for sex.

He liked Grimmjow.

“We’re late.”

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow and chugged the milk emptying the cartoon.

“What’s with the milk?”

The Espada looked down at the empty cartoon. “There are no hollows here to eat.”

Oh, of course, hollows ate other hollows or people.

“So it’s either this milk Urahara gave me or shinigami,” he grinned making Kira’s heart skip a beat. So handsome.

“You almost ate me last night.” He pointed at his shoulder to make a point, and Grimmjow sat behind him still grinning.

“I was hungry.”

_So was I._

Grimmjow’s breathing tickled against his neck and he did all he could to not lean back. “W-we’re really late.”

“Fuck it, let’s stay here.”

Kira looked down thinking about it, could they really do that? He only missed work when he was really sick to the point of being incapacitated, he never missed before that. Truth be told, he was still tired from the previous night, but missing work because he had a mind blowing sex marathon with Grimmjow was not a proper justification he could provide.

“We can’t. I need to heal myself,” he said ignoring the needy gaze from Grimmjow from behind him, and concentrated his reiatsu in his shoulder.

And nothing happened. He concentrated again, the glow in his hand obvious, but his skin remained bruised.

“What the…”

He tried to heal his chest instead, but nothing happened as well, making him scowl.

“What?” Grimmjow asked?

“I can’t heal myself. It’s not doing anything.”

“Can you heal me?” Grimmjow asked pointing at a small fading bite wound, and Kira turned to him healing him instantly. He tried to heal himself again in vain.

They both stood there quiet. Kira was panicking inside, because first this never happened to him before, and second because he was in no condition to go to work. He couldn’t even walk to the bathroom, much less get dressed and go to the office.

He called in sick.

**0000000000**

His body still hurt the following days, but luckily he had tons of reports to review, so he spent the majority of time in his desk. The biggest issue was that he had to attend his injuries with ointments and bandages and he was so stressed out that he was constantly nauseous.

During one of the daily meetings with all members, exactly in the middle of Otoribashi’s speech he felt sick again, and had to run to the bathroom to vomit all of the contents from his stomach. In one hand this was a great cover up to the fact he missed a day of work, but in the other hand he truly felt like crap.

The same thing happened in the following day right before the Lieutenant weekly meeting, where he threw up at home. Grimmjow had noticed but just questioned why people threw up. Being an Espada he said he only saw people vomit blood, which made Kira realize that Grimmjow – despite of having an amazing body and face and amazing fucking skills – had no life experience.

Kira had noticed that Grimmjow lacked basic knowledge in certain everyday situations, such as etiquette or certain basic processes, but he also didn’t know a lot of things regarding how shinigami or even humans lived. And the little he knew, Kira was sure that it was Urahara who taught him.

Grimmjow attended the meeting again by Otoribashi’s request. _‘Have him attend all your meetings.’_ which translated to: don’t leave him alone with us.

At the meeting itself, Kira understood something was wrong from the start. To be honest, he was dreading this moment since the day he called in sick because of his sore body, in the afternoon after he blew Grimmjow (again).

It was complicated really, because he truly forgot about the dinner at Hisagi’s place, and the fact his best friend didn’t contact him since then meant he was upset. Hisagi was the type of person who would worry over people being late, that something might have happened to them or if someone was sick and was being properly treated.

Hisagi sat across him as usual, but didn’t glance at him once avoiding all contact. Matsumoto had greeted him and was almost going to hug until she saw Grimmjow next to him, and stepped back. She sat next to Hisagi but stole glances from Grimmjow once in a while thoughtful.

Kira gulped feeling sick again, looking at Hisagi not really caring if he was caught or not. It was just a dinner… he always did what Hisagi wanted, he was his fucking best man in his wedding! Even if Hisagi didn’t know he was in love with him since he could remember, he still went through all the pain of being in the front row watching him marry a woman who didn’t even like the same things he did or understand him. Why was he upset with him missing the dinner?

Didn’t Kira have the right to have someone too? To like someone and being needed?

This was all bullshit.

The minutes took a long time to pass, and it was bad, because the more time he spend in the room the more he thought, and the more he thought the crappier he felt.

Hisagi was really mad at him…

‘ _Please look at me’_

‘ _Just once.’_

‘ _Please.’_

Hisagi didn’t and in fact he left the meeting room the moment the meeting was over without saying anything.

“Yo!” Abarai got his attention. “What is going on between you and Hisagi? I invited him for us three to go for drinks and he said he couldn’t.”

“Why has that anything to do with me?” it had everything to do with him.

“Because he changed his mind when I mentioned your name.”

“Oh,” Kira looked down, he could feel Grimmjow nearby so he didn’t want to be too specific. “I think he’s upset I didn’t go to his dinner, I was sick, and I wasn’t able to tell him I wasn’t going.”

“Ah that makes sense, he was waiting for you though, we all were. I didn’t know you were sick.”

“I even had to take a day off.”

“Shit, really?” Abarai seemed to genuinely believe in him. “That’s too bad. You missed quite a good dinner, he cooked all himself.”

Kira felt bad, but at the same time he didn’t, his sore body reminded him of the night he had with Grimmjow instead of the dinner, and he would’ve done it all over again. The only reason his heart clenched was because Hisagi was not talking to him, and he hated the feeling of Hisagi being angry.

He had to do something about it, but wasn’t sure what.

**0000000000**

Over a week passed since they had sex, but during this period of time he had to bargain with Grimmjow the sexual activities they could do while he was recovering from his injuries. Which led to some very interesting insights: Grimmjow got extra horny with smells and taste, which was one of the reasons he liked to bite and lick so much, which Kira couldn’t complain (especially the licking part). Also Grimmjow really liked blowjobs, and liked to finger Kira until he came just from that (which Kira _definitely_ didn’t complain), but what he liked the most was fucking, which he tried every single night since then.

The most intriguing point of this entire week is how good Grimmjow became in seducing him, because he knew exactly what to do, like kissing him and sucking his tongue or neck, while a hand caressed the inside of his thigh, just like he was doing now.

Kira was reading the book Hisagi gave him, when Grimmjow sat behind and pulled him to a kiss, tossing away the book. Before he could react, Grimmjow already submitted Kira to him.

He had become so weak against the Espada. He couldn’t resist him, everything about Grimmjow was addictive.

They had sex that night.

**0000000000**

The nausea continued, and became even worse with strong scents. Spicy food or alcohol would literally make him gag; and lately he kind of become conscious of other people’s body odor. Maybe the problem was that he was so into Grimmjow’s smell that everyone else smelled bad.

That was why he was making a face when he arrived at the 9th Squad. One of the female members had bathe in a rancid cologne that made his stomach turn. Or maybe it was just his nerves. It had been almost two weeks since he last spoke with Hisagi, and the most recent Lieutenant meeting was the last drop. Hisagi couldn’t continue being this mad.

He stood in front of the door for a couple of minutes before knocking, Hisagi immediately invited in. When he opened the door, Hisagi’s eyes widened in surprise recognizing him.

“Kira.”

“Hisagi-san,” he closed the door and leaned against his.

Hisagi watched him for a while, before looking down at his papers. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to understand why are you avoiding me.”

Hisagi dryly chuckled.

“I’m not avoiding you. You’re the one who didn’t show up for the dinner and didn’t say anything.”

“I was sick, I’m sorry for not going.”

“That would be okay, if I didn’t find it out one week later by Abarai.”

Kira gulped. Hisagi was right, but he couldn’t bring himself up to admitting it. Admitting that he didn’t want to talk with Hisagi, because it hurt. That the two weeks while he was away in his honeymoon were probably the best ones he could remember having.

“I’m sorry, I just had a lot going on,” his voice sounded so small. Hisagi got up and leaned against the window at the side of the room.

“If you have a lot going on, then why don’t you rely on me?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because we’re best friends? I do anything for you.”

Cruel, cruel words.

“I don’t need you to do anything for me.”

“Kira, why are you so defensive? Did something happen?”

The question snapped his attention. Why was he defensive? Hisagi was his best friend and was always offering his help, why didn’t he wanted it? He loved Hisagi, he should want his help.

“I’m not defensive, I just don’t like when you talk like that. I don’t need help.”

Hisagi looked down and sighed, “I’m sorry, it’s just I worry about you. I miss you.”

Fucking cruel.

“I don’t like that Espada, I don’t trust him. Why is he attending our meetings?”

“Otoribashi-taichou asked for him to. I’m his babysitter.”

Hisagi chuckled at that, “You’re so unlucky, you got the worst job.”

Kira smiled considering his _luck._ He was actually very lucky he got Grimmjow, he wasn’t sure he would have made this far if it wasn’t for the Espada.

“It’s alright, I mean he’s not bad.”

“Kira, just be careful. If he tries anything weird or hurts you just run, don’t fight him. He’s an Espada, he’s in another level.”

“I know. Then, Hisagi-san are we good?”

“Of course, we are.”

The brunet’s smile was dazzling, and so was his scent as he walked towards him, making Kira step back in shock.

Hisagi stopped moving. “What?”

“N-nothing. I have to go, Hisagi-san, I’m late for a meeting,” he lied leaving the office. He couldn’t let Hisagi touch him, because if he did, Grimmjow wouldn’t want to touch him again.

**0000000000**

The meeting with Otoribashi started late because he was stuck in another meeting with Soutaichou. His Captain wanted to speak with him alone, and the fact Grimmjow was not present could only mean they were going to talk about the Espada.

Otoribashi looked paler than normal, his usual gentle smile was smaller, almost forced.

“I read your report, so Grimmjow is an asset to the team?”

“Yes, the new members have improved greatly, generally the learning curve is of months, but their fighting skills are close to lower seat level.”

“That’s great news! How’s he behaving though? He hasn’t destroyed your house.”

“He hasn’t. There are a few things he still needs to learn, but he’s doing okay.”

“What about your meetings, is he enjoying them?”

“No, he's not,” Kira answered sincerely.

“I see, couldn’t be all roses, right?” his taichou asked then he smiled faded away. “Izuru, we are making Grimmjow third seat.”

“What?” he frowned at this.

“Yamamoto-Soutaichou wants to show that we trust him, and let’s be real here, he’s strong. Seats are given by the level of strength.”

Kira wanted to counter argument that in that case Grimmjow should be Captain, but couldn’t let it out. This was unfair to Togakushi, but now all the pieces made sense; the third seat was the backup of a Lieutenant, that was why Otoribashi wanted Grimmjow to attend his meetings.

“What about Togakushi Riku?” he asked.

“All members will drop one seat accordingly.”

“Grimmjow is not very good with reports, third seats have a lot of administrative work.”

“About that, you can manage how you prefer. Have Togakushi doing it, or if you have the time do it yourself. You can let Grimmjow take the lead in any practical duties you have and you take over the reporting. At least until he gets the hang of it.”

So now he was Grimmjow’s secretary? Everyday he was feeling smaller and smaller in his job. No one really cared about how he felt as a long as the work showed up done.

“When are we doing this?”

“We will communicate it after tomorrow.”

**0000000000**

When he arrived home, Grimmjow stared him down frowning.

“Where were you?”

“With the Captain.”

“And before that?” he leaned forward looking right through him.

“I visited Hisagi-san at the 9th Division.” Why was he justifying to Grimmjow? He could do whatever he wanted.

“His smell is on you.”

“No, it’s not, Grimmjow we didn’t even touch each other,” he said, his mood still troubled by what his Captain told, he bet he was going to be the one to inform the current third seat of this. He turned around untying his obi, when his arm was yanked.

“Don’t fucking go there anymore.”

“Why?”

Grimmjow’s eyes squinted and his voice made him shiver. “You want him to fuck you.”

Kira’s eyes snapped open, how could Grimmjow figure this out? No one knew he had feelings for Hisagi, how could an Espada know?

“What if I do?” he replied, and Grimmjow’s grip in his arm became stronger.

“I’m the one who fucks you.”

That was clear, in fact Grimmjow was the only one who wanted to fuck him, but he couldn’t say that.

“Hisagi-san doesn’t want me, he’s married to a woman, he doesn’t like men.”

“I don’t care. If his scent is on you again I will kill you both.”

The threat should’ve bothered him, it should, but his heart beat faster not because he was afraid, but because Grimmjow was jealous. J-E-A-L-O-U-S. He never knew someone could feel like that for him. He was no one, he was an ant. And this god… this god was…

“Grimmjow,” Kira grabbed his attention, “If you hurt him, I’m the one who will kill you.”

Wrong thing to say. He was turned around, his hakama was pulled down harshly, and he was bent over the table.

“W-wait! G-Grimmjow, p-please,” he cried out when he Grimmjow pushed his way inside him, no preparation, no lube. This hurt so much, and Grimmjow had just inserted the tip of his cock. The friction was unbearable, his bottom was tearing. He wasn’t scared in the past, but he was now, the brute force was agonizing.

_This was what he got for playing with fire._

“P-please.” he whimpered; tears fell when the Espada breathed in his neck, not moving his hips, leaving them in that position for a while. Kira’s breathing calmed down and he looked behind to find Grimmjow’s face buried in his back.

“G-Grimmjow?”

The Espada was still, something was off.

Kira leaned back pushing him away softly with his body, making Grimmjow pull out from him. He flinched at the vicious burn, a trail of blood dripped into his leg. He turned around to face Grimmjow who had his head down making a face Kira didn’t know he was capable of; it was anguish.

“Grimmjow,” he called again holding his face with both hands. Bright blue eyes met his making the world stop. He wanted to be upset with Grimmjow for forcing himself, but there was something in those eyes… His heart clenched in his chest.

“What did you do to me?” the Espada asked lowly.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Why can’t I breathe? And it’s you, it only happens with you.”

Kira didn’t know how to reply, because suddenly he also felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. Grimmjow continued, “I can’t stop my body when I’m with you, and I can’t stop wanting…”

_Wanting you._

“It makes me sick. I only want to touch you and... I just I want to kill him. Why do you do this to me?”

The words hit him with a gentleness that he never felt before.

“I can’t even fuck you now because you’re crying, why do I care?” he pulled away from Kira’s grasp and crouched grabbing his hair.

“This fucking life, this fucking place. I should just destroy all and kill all shinigami, why do you stop me?”

Kira moved forward and knelt in front of him.

“And the most fucked up thing is that you don’t ask me to stop. How do I know then?”

“Grimmjow.”

“You are in my head, fucking it up. Is it an illusion, is it your power? Like Aizen?” Grimmjow grabbed him by his neck holding strong. “I should kill you. If I kill you it will stop.”

Kira’s eyes couldn’t hold the tears, because life could throw the dirtiest tricks.

“I can’t even fucking kill you. What did you do to me?”

Life made Grimmjow have feelings for him...

The pressure in his neck loosened and he grabbed Grimmjow’s face the same way he did before, and he replied. “The same you did to me.”

Their lips joined in a needy and deep kiss that took his breath away.


	7. Searing need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> baby business

“ _Not all those who wander are lost.”_

_J.R.R. Tolkien_

Chapter 7 – _**Searing need**_

Kira leaned against Grimmjow’s chest in the bathtub. They didn’t speak after pouring out their feelings, there were no words needed.

Grimmjow was emotionally unstable because he was a hollow; Abarai had told Kira that he tended to be aggressive and impulsive, that he would go through violent fits and had a tendency to destroy things he didn’t like. Since they met Kira never saw that destructive side, but the way Grimmjow had tried to force himself upon him was a sign that part was still present in him.

He was also emotionally unstable. In the past years, isolation took a toll on him. Being alone was an escape from pain and heartache, a way of copping with all the feelings he was drowned in. Ichimaru betraying him, Hisagi in love with someone else, his work. Every single aspect of his life made him want to die; he had made attempts of ending everything with a clouded judgement.

Now, it was different, although the pain from Ichimaru had diminished, and Hisagi and his work remained, he had someone to hold on to during difficult times.

_He liked a hollow who liked him back._

Kira had heard in the past of hollows who had raped victims before consuming them, but he never heard of hollows who had _feelings_ for shinigami. Although, Grimmjow wasn’t a normal hollow, he was an Arrancar, a former Espada. He had a humanoid form, and had all of the functions of a human body. The hougyoku had the ability to turn hollows into Arrancar with abilities similar to shinigami, maybe it could also change their heart to be similar to shinigami.

Grimmjow’s head tilted back against the tub with his eyes closed. The water was warm against them, and the feeling of Grimmjow’s arms wrapped around him made him feel safe.

He wondered if Grimmjow was aware of how romantic it was to have a bath like they were having now.

**0000000000**

Kira woke up nauseous again. Looking at his side Grimmjow slept soundly with the kitten on his other side.

Hurrying to the bathroom he threw up, and decided that later he had to go to the 4th Squad to understand what was going on with them, this time for real. His medical kidou didn’t work on him anymore, not even allowing him to diagnose himself. Through out his entire life since he left the 4th he relied on his medical skills to cure him of everything, not being able to do that now was nerve wrecking, making him defenseless in a way… he couldn’t even heal his bottom… wait-

Kira frowned deeply and looked down. He couldn’t feel any pain.

Grimmjow had hurt him pretty bad yesterday, but now he didn’t feel anything. He touched the back of his neck and shoulders to check the latest bite marks – which he allowed, to compensate Grimmjow for not having sex - and they were gone. As if they didn’t exist.

How was it possible?

“Eh? If I knew how to heal, I would fuck you every day,” Grimmjow replied when he asked if he was the one doing it. Kira was completely astonished, wounds didn’t suddenly disappear.

The Espada looked down at him with a grin in his face, _his psycotic grin,_ like Kira called, his perfect canines showing. “So that means we’re gonna do it tonight.”

Kira blushed bright red looking around. They were alone, but still someone could be listening.

“Maybe.”

Across the path a couple of members walked by making Kira step back. One of the people walking was Togakushi who was laughing at what the other member was saying.

It was a bitter feeling knowing what was going to happen to him.

**0000000000**

Otoribashi wanted to have a dinner party to announce Grimmjow’s promotion to third seat; of course the one who had to prepare everything was Kira and considering what the occasion was about he couldn’t ask any help from the other seated officers. How bad would it be for the members to plan the dinner of their own demotion?

For this reason he had to organize, order the supplies and prepare the room (which for this last task he asked the new members to do it) on his own. He had spent the entire day working on the dinner preparations for the following day, that he only saw Grimmjow at night.

_And Grimmjow was hungry._

The moment he stepped inside he was pined against the door and it was worthless to fight back because he wanted it as much as a Grimmjow. He convinced between kisses that he had to take a shower first, and Grimmjow carried him there discarding all of their clothing on their way. They had shower sex for their first round, and before going to the second they ate dinner. Well, Kira did while Grimmjow chugged his milk.

He was happily eating his takeout butt naked with a towel around his waist in the living room, with Grimmjow sprawled also nude next to him. _He could truly get used to this._

“When I was little, I use to think that food only came from the human world, and that my parents would go there to get the ingredients. I had never went there, so I would cry my eyes out for them to take me to the human world so I could see where the food came from. I was so disappointed when I realized that wasn’t the case. I cried even more.”

“Cry baby.”

Kira laughed, “Yes, I guess I was. My father used to call me that, I was a spoiled child you know.”

“How do you have a father, I thought shinigami were people who died in the human world.”

“We are. All Pluses are, but it depends of when they died. I was born in Soul Society, I have no memories of my life in the human world, it could be that I died as an infant or as an old man. We don’t know exactly how it works. Some people just wake up in Soul Society with the same age of when they were alive, others like me, are just born here.”

“What about Konsou?”

“Konsou only helps the Pluses crossing to Soul Society or hell, otherwise if they’re stuck for too long at the human world, they will become food for hollows.”

_But you should know that._

“And zanpakutou cut hollows purifying hollow souls to Soul Society,” Grimmjow added.

“Exactly.”

“Then maybe the ones who are born in Soul Society are hollows who were purified.”

Kira never thought about it. “That’s an hypothesis, they wouldn’t have a body to return to, so a new one would be needed..”

“Maybe you were a hollow then,” Grimmjow smirked.

“Sure, a Menos Grande,” Kira joked breaking the ice he felt around him. The thought of being once a hollow was sickening.

“I would eat a Menos Grande now.”

Kira was sympathetic, drinking milk everyday was probably tiring. Maybe they could take Grimmjow to Hueco Mundo so he could eat a few hollows.

“What type of hollow were you?”

“An Adjuchas.”

Adjuchas were hollows that only Captain level shinigami were authorized to face; also Adjuchas only ate other hollows, which made him glad, because it meant that Grimmjow’s threats to kill shinigami were shallow.

“Do you remember you life before that?”

A knock disturbed their conversation. It was already evening, it was odd someone bothering them at this time.

The knock became more insisting, and Grimmjow rose knitting his eyebrows, his face tense.

“Leave it,” Kira said, whoever was could wait until the day after. However, Grimmjow ignored him and dressed his hakama. Before Kira could interject the Espada looked down.

“Eat, and wait for me in bed, so I can have my _meal_ there,” he teased making Kira shiver.

Grimmjow opened the door and left the house shirtless. Kira wondered who it was, and tried to sense the reiatsu of the person but in vain. Whoever was, was suppressing it. Then the thought of Grimmjow going outside half naked came to his mind, everyone knew they were living under the same roof and they were both male so it wouldn’t be an issue per se, but Grimmjow with his naked chest meant his hollow hole was visible, and so was the number 6 tattoo in his back. This could trigger certain reactions from some people.

Grimmjow was outside for a good 10 minutes, and returned right as Kira was finishing cleaning.

“Who was it?”

Grimmjow didn’t reply and wrapped his arms around his waist, grinding his ass.

Once again he woke up at dawn with the need to vomit, and the acute pain below his navel. He breathed deeply as he tried not to pass out from the pain.

During the morning, he did his best to pretend he was normal, but the pain in his stomach was growing, like needles were piercing him repeatedly.

Grimmjow was in the training grounds with he newbies, and almost every member of his squad was occupied, although honestly he didn’t want to ask for anyone’s help.

He decided to walk towards the 4 th  Squad on his own.

The pain intensified to the point he knelt down before reaching the barracks. He grabbed his stomach wanting to throw up, but nothing came out. His vision turned blurry, as if he was having low blood pressure.

“Kira?”

Strong arms grabbed from behind, and a wonderful smell engulfed him. He could almost cry of relief when he felt the strong chest against his back.

“Hisagi-san…”

Everything went black.

...

Kira woke up at the Forth Squad with Hisagi sitting next to his bed. The brunet was holding his hand, his face lit when he saw he was awake.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“What happened?” he felt uncomfortable. The pain was still there.

“You fainted outside. Kotetsu-san went to get Unohana-Taichou, she can’t figure out what happened.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, it’s really strange because they can’t put an IV on, they broke four needles in your arm.”

“What?” Kira looked down and didn’t see any marks in his arm or hand, but the IV fluid was next to his bed untouched.

“Kira, lay down please,” Hisagi asked. “I was so worried. I never saw you like that you know, unresponsive, I though you were going to…

So dramatic.

“You thought I was going to die because I fainted?”

“You never faint. You’re the one who always comes back unhurt from missions with no scraps or wounds. You’re the strongest of us all.”

Before he could say anything, Unohana entered the room. Hisagi went home after Unohana asked him to leave (and Kira convinced him to just go, _It’s not like I’m going to faint in the road again_ ).

Unohana tried to attach an IV to his arm, and like Hisagi said, it broke the moment it touched his skin. She frowned and then asked if he could try doing it himself. It wasn’t an odd request as he had worked at the 4 th  Squad before, but he couldn’t, the needle broke as well.

“Since when you have the pain?”

“3 or 4 weeks, it was intermittent until recently.”

“And the nausea started at the same time?”

“More recently.”

Unohana analyzed his stomach with Kido and frowned. She tried different reiatsu techniques, but nothing worked.

“This is unusual. We can’t take any blood, and I can’t diagnose you. I doubt Minazuki can as well. Let’s try a urine exam.”

Kira waited in his room, the pain still lingering strong. Probably his team members were thinking he bailed the preparation for the dinner.

He hoped Grimmjow was fine on his own.

Unohana returned an hour later requesting another urine sample, and another hour after she came back bringing a couple of medical devices: an EKG and an ultrasound device. She closed the door behind her, after they were alone.

“Unohana-Taichou did the urine tested for any abnormalities?”

The fact they requested for a second sample was odd.

She smiled gently and asked for him to open his kosode. It was not normal that the Captain was the one doing the tests, generally a seated officer would do, or at least Kotetsu or Iemura. Having Unohana doing it meant something was wrong.

The EKG didn’t detect anything, including his heartbeat. So Unohana tried the ultrasound, which Kira couldn’t help but see the 12 th  Squad symbol on its side; he didn't remember this machine from his time in the 4th Squad.

“Kira-Fukutaichou, the urine tests did accuse of something, but first I need to ask you a few questions.”

She poured gel in his stomach where it hurt.

“Sure.”

“Did you engage in any sexual activity before the pain started?”

Shit, it was what he was suspecting… For the past weeks, he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that the pain started around the same time he and Grimmjow started having sex.

“Yes.”

“With a male?”

Oh shit… it was... He was allergic to Grimmjow’s semen! He was having a reaction, and with the amount of times he came inside him it was making him sick…

“Yes.”

Kira looked at the screen of the ultrasound, the screen showing a gray block, he couldn’t understand what it meant. Unohana stared at the screen.

“Kira-Fukutaichou, I know it will sound absurd, however this is the only diagnostic I can conclude based on the urine test and now with the ultrasound.”

She was worried, and that made Kira worried, because Unohana never showed a grim face unless things were really bad.

“The urine sample accused of high levels of hCG.”

Why in hell would he have high levels of hCG?

“The equivalent of a 4 week pregnancy.”

“What does that mean?”

She turned the ultrasound picture, the big gray block.

“You have an immense quantity of reiatsu concentrated in this area, the reiatsu seems to be forming an artificial system, this is most likely the cause of the pain. Your body is changing to accommodate this new system.”

“I don’t understand, what do you mean by system?”

“I will need to make an additional test. However, I will need your consent on it considering that it is an evasive procedure.”

“You mean a hadou.”

“Yes, Tamashi no tensou, a soul transfer.”

Soul transfers were forbidden among shinigami without Unohana’s approval. The process of transferring one’s reiryoku to another body in order to understand the cause of an infection, or detect tumors in the third person. It was considered to be an evasive procedure due to fact the user doing it could literally feel everything in the patient’s body.

“You can go ahead.”

There was nothing to hide, his body was fully healed. Other than the pain in his abdomen he was fine. Unohana pulled the sleeve up to her arm, hovering her hand on top of Kira’s stomach. She started chanting the spell and then a blue light glowed. At first, nothing happened, Unohana chanted a second part of he spell, and Kira felt pressure in his stomach.

The reiatsu light burst along the EKG and Ultrasound machine and some other electronics and glass items in the room, making Unohana step back. She looked surprised for a couple of seconds.

“Unohana-Taichou, are you okay?”

Unohana frowned, “Your body rejected the hadou. I was only able to be there for 2 seconds, but it confirmed my suspicious. The reiatsu in your body is forming an artificial womb.”

It took Kira a few seconds to grasp what she was saying. An artificial womb and high levels of hCG?

“What are you saying? That I’m... _pregnant_?”

“Yes.”

“I’m a man. That is not possible.”

“It’s not, but it happened.”

Kira stared at the woman as if she was crazy. He knew Unohana was never wrong, but there was a first for everything right? He started breathing harshly looking at his stomach, it was flat as always, and his breathing faltered as he realized what was **really** going on.

“I can’t be p-pregn.. I can’t.”

“I understand that is confusing, but we need to understand what caused this. My apologies for intruding, but may I ask who did you had sexual intercourse with?”

Kira’s eyes widened, not because she was asking who was the one he had sex with, but because he came to the conclusion that he had sex with Grimmjow and was _pregnant_ … he was pregnant of an Espada… he… he had a hollow inside him... 

He wanted to scream in horror, but was to scared to move at all.

“Kira-Fukutaichou? Kira-Fukutaichou?” Unohana called his name.

“Eh the person is…” he couldn’t reveal he had sex with an Espada, he was going to be opened up by the 12th Squad, and they were going to hurt Grimmjow, even if he was as strong as he said he was, he couldn’t ago against the entire Seireitei. “My partner.”

“Ok, so you have been in a monogamous relationship in the past couple of months?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to disclose who it is, but it would help greatly for us to understand what happened.”

“I can’t,” he said. “I don’t think he would like…” he couldn’t even finish the sentence. He had to protect Grimmjow.

“It’s alright,” she assured squeezing his shoulder.

This had to be a dream, a stupid prank. This couldn’t be real, because it was illogical. He just wanted to have sex with Grimmjow, he just wanted to be with someone who wanted him back, he just wanted to not feel alone…

Why all the bad things happened to him? Why couldn’t he be normal?

His eyes filled with despair, “Unohana-Taichou, I don’t want it. Please remove it, I can’t have it, please.”

Unohana looked at him sadly and gripped his arm again in comfort.

“We’ll find a solution.”

**0000000000**

All the preparations for the team dinner were during the afternoon. Unohana suggested for him to stay at the 4 th  Squad, but there was nothing she could do at the moment, considering his body was rejecting literally everything she did for him. She guaranteed that the matter would stay between the two of them while she found a way of making an intervention in his body. His body was protecting any harm from outside which meant, even if she tried to _remove_ it, it wouldn’t be possible.

He went back to the Third Squad almost in the end of the afternoon.

It was around this time that he called to Otoribashi’s office. When they arrived, Kira was surprised to see Grimmjow, Muguruma and Hisagi there. Hisagi was using his Fukutaichou badge which meant it was an official visit. He avoided his gaze, but stared with disdain at Grimmjow. Kira knew that look, it was the look Hisagi did whenever he had to fight, it was the look he had when Tousen betrayed them.

Kira couldn’t concentrate at all, seeing Grimmjow made him afraid. The Espada was going to leave him if he knew… Kira was abnormal, he was a freak. _Grimmjow won't want me anymore._

“Let’s all take a sit,” Otoribashi asked, and they sat in the cushions on the floor, with both Captains and Hisagi facing them. This seemed overly formal, did… could it be… they figured out that Grimmjow and Kira were together?

“So, we just came from a meeting with Yamamoto-Soutaichou and all the Captains, it was decided that Grimmjow is going to be promoted to Fukutaichou.”

It took Kira a couple of seconds to understand what was just said. His eyes fell on Hisagi who was looking down. 

Kira swallowed dry, along the sudden urge to curse, as he listened to what Otoribashi was saying.

“I will announce the changes during the dinner.”

The silence was thick, his heart beat was tiring. The way Otoribashi looked at him made him realize: He was being demoted.

He was… useless… He was a freak with a hollow inside and useless.

“I don’t want that shit,” Grimmjow said breaking his train of thought. “You already have a Fukutaichou.”

“Yeah, but now it will be you. Izuru is a great shinigami, but we only have budget for one Lieutenant.”

It wasn’t like he didn’t expect already something like this to happen, but he wasn’t expecting to be demoted today, now, when his world was falling apart.

Wasn’t Grimmjow suppose to be third seat?

“You have to accept,” Muguruma spoke this time. “It’s a sign that you are cooperating with the Gotei 13. The Espada were also ranked by strength weren’t they? It’s the same here.”

Grimmjow snickered. “If that’s the case, then I should be sitting where that old man is,” the corner of Kira’s lip turned upward in a slight smile, so slightly that he was sure the others didn’t see, on the exception of Hisagi who was now looking at him.

“That won’t happen if you don’t become Lieutenant first.”

“And Izuru won’t be completely a third seat. He will still be the Lieutenant unofficially, to guarantee the proper functioning of the Squad, and of course no penalization in the salary.”

_Only in the merit._

For as long as he remembered since he joined the Gotei 13, Kira only wanted to grow strong and protect Seireitei and Soul Society. He knew no one cared about his work, but this was a slap in the face.

He was demoted… Grimmjow got his role. But he wasn’t upset with him, because he knew that Grimmjow didn’t care about these things, he hadn’t done it on purpose, he was just upset because he knew how things worked in Seireitei and this was something that was probably planned a long time ago since Grimmjow came, over a month ago.

He didn’t let it affect him in front of the others, not even Grimmjow.

It shouldn’t affect him at all.

He shouldn’t care.

After Hisagi and Muguruma left, Otoribashi went through the details of how he was going to announce it to the team. Everyone below Kira was demoted 1 seat, which was going to be demoralizing, so he wanted to make things right. He then dismissed Kira, to speak with Grimmjow alone and Kira tried not to take to heart that this was going to happen often from now onward.

He smiled politely and bowed before leaving. When he stepped outside the office he saw Hisagi waiting for him from the other side of the courtyard.

He didn’t want to speak with Hisagi or feel his pity. The brunet knew better than anyone his aspirations, knowing that he wanted to evolve and be a Captain someday. But he couldn’t stop moving towards him. He didn’t want Hisagi’s pity, but he couldn't reject him. That was always his weakness. Hisagi was cruel with his kind words, giving false hope and talking with a innocent, platonic meaning, but part of Kira still wanted to hear him. He was that stupid, pretending that the compassion of a best friend was something more. 

“Shouldn’t have you stayed at the 4th?”

“I’m fine, it was nothing serious.” He became such a liar…

“Sorry about this,” Hisagi tried to say.

“Don’t be, it’s not unexpected for demotions to happen.”

“It’s not fair.”

“It actually is, considering Grimmjow is stronger than me.”

Hisagi stood up and crossed his arms. “Why are you defending him? You should be pissed off that an Espada came to your division and stole your place.”

“I’m not defending him, it is what it is.”

“He fucking doesn’t deserve it. He took your kindness and used you to get this.”

Kira raised an eyebrow, he was upset with the whole situation, but this was ridiculous. Grimmjow didn’t care about seats and promotions. He honestly only cared about fighting and sex.

“Hisagi-san, he doesn’t care about that.”

“If he doesn’t care why is he here, then? Yesterday, I came to your place to tell you about the demotion, and he didn’t fucking let me in. Why is he even in your house?”

Kira stared at him emotionless. The person knocking his door yesterday was Hisagi, that explains why Grimmjow didn’t tell him who it was.

“I’m babysitting him.”

“You’re babysitting an Espada who is stronger than you? That doesn’t make any sense. He… he told me to not speak to you. Why would he do that if he doesn’t have an agenda?”

“He told you what?” His eyes rounded in surprise. Grimmjow went to Hisagi all jealous and told him to not speak to Kira again? His cheeks suddenly felt warm.

“It was more like a threat. I’m so worried Kira, please come to my house for a while. We have a spare room you can use.”

“What?”

“He’s going to kill you, Kira.”

Kira wanted to vomit again, Hisagi was inviting him to stay at his house where he lived with Matsumoto because he was afraid that Grimmjow would kill him?

“I appreciate your concern, Hisagi-san, but you don’t need to worry about me. I know how to handle Grimmjow.”

Hisagi sighed frustrated. “Kira you don’t understand, he’s undermining your work.”

Kira looked down as Hisagi spoke, “Your taichou told Muguruma-taichou that you’ve been arriving late almost everyday, and missing days.”

He got a point there, but this wasn’t enough for the demotion.

“I missed 2 days because I was sick.”

“You’re never sick.”

Kira frowned deeply, because **now** he was sick, sick with a monster inside him. Hisagi’s words pissed him off, why suddenly couldn’t he be sick? Or have a life? His taichou, Abarai, Matsumoto, Iba, even Hisagi had missed work, why couldn’t he as well? His own taichou let the 3rd and 4th seats go home earlier to be with their families, why couldn’t Kira also do that?

“I also have the right to be sick, Hisagi-san.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“Really, because it kind of sounds like you don’t believe I was sick.”

“...Of course, I believe you.” The hesitation made Kira angry to the point it awoke the pain in his stomach.

“Is there anything else you need, Hisagi-Fukutaichou? I have a team dinner to attend."

“Kira, don’t be like that,” Hisagi tried to touch his shoulder and he flinched avoiding the touch. “Kira?”

“Good-bye.”

Kira turned around feeling guilty. He walked away past Hisagi’s field vision, and hid behind one of the trees in the garden away from prying eyes.

There was a mix of emotions he couldn’t explain. Hisagi questioning him was hurtful to the point he wondered if Grimmjow had said anything else. Could it be that he suspected something? No, if he did he would have told Kira now.

This entire situation was surreal. He was demoted, yet he still had to do all the Lieutenant work, Hisagi was selfishly inviting him to his house to _save_ him from Grimmjow, and Grimmjow… Grimmjow threatened Hisagi to not speak with him. When Hisagi told him that, he was kind of happy, because he liked the jealousy, but now he was a bit concerned. Grimmjow had said he wanted to kill Hisagi. What if he truly meant it? What if… Shit, Kira had to cut ties with Hisagi, he had to avoid him at all costs.

The pain in his belly made him shiver in sadness. He had a hollow inside him, he was _pregnant_ with something, all because he wanted to be with Grimmjow… 

“He’s going to leave me,” he whispered with tears in his eyes. He must have been a terrible person in his other life, to deserve this life.

‘ _Maybe you were a hollow then’_

What was he going to do? What if Unohana couldn’t help him? What if he had to have the _hollow?_ He was going to be alone again… Grimmjow wouldn't understand... no one would... not even Hisagi... 

A couple of hours later he walked back to the barracks to join the team dinner. This was the worst day of his life, but he had to there and pretend he was fine accepted his demotion. He wondered if he disappeared now, would someone miss him?

_Would Grimmjow look for him?_

He wanted to disappear. Leave and disappear.

He stopped near the exit of the dining area, hearing his seated officers speak.

“What, Grimmjow will be the new Fukutaichou?”

“Yes, Kira-Fukutaichou will take my place, and I will go to 4th seat. Luckily, Gori requested an unpaid leave, so no one else will be demoted for the moment,” Togakushi said.

“Man, that sucks. I mean it’s nice that Grimmjow is Lieutenant, at least we won’t have a wimp representing us anymore, but you don’t deserve that.”

Kira froze at the words. It wasn’t the first time he heard things like this, but what made him held his breath was what Togakushi said next. “I don’t understand why I’m losing my seat too. If he’s being demoted, shouldn’t he change squads or be entirely dismissed? Wasn’t it what happened with Iba-san?”

He turned around going to his house, he didn’t have the strength or courage to face those people anymore.

He had become a liability for his Squad. And why? Because he was freaking pathetic, his depression over 5 years, his unrequited love for Hisagi. He was a man for fuck’s sake, emotions should be buried deep where no one could find. Wallowing in self-pity, avoiding everyone who wanted to come closer, fighting the will to just tell the world to fuck off… It was the self-destructive path he was so used to. He saw this demotion coming miles away, years ago.

So why the hell it hurt so much?

Holding his chest he tried to breath deeply, he leaned against the door once inside his house. His breathing hurt his lungs, the pain in his stomach increasing by the second.

Why was he so disappointed? 

_Bright blue eyes staring at him. Wicked grin that made his knees weak._

Grimmjow made him happy. He wished he could just forget everything and be with him like they were yesterday, like they were in the past days.

_You make my heart feel like it’s going to stop._

He screamed in panic. This was too much, too overwhelming, he couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t-

“The fuck are you screaming for?”

Grimmjow stood naked and wet from the shower he just had. Kira’s heart froze, why was that Grimmjow always saw him in his weakest state?

The Espada sniffed the air and glared, “That scent…”

Oh no. Please no.

Kira felt his world dying as he knew that he smelled of Hisagi, from when he carried him to the hospital.

Grimmjow's reiatsu shifted, not much but enough for Kira to understand that he was angry.

_He was fucking angry._


	8. Sayin' goodbye

“ _It is a frightening thought, that in one fraction of a moment you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over.”_

_Beau Taplin_

Chapter 8 – _**Sayin’ goodbye**_

The daunting face of Grimmjow froze him on the spot.  It wasn’t  Kira’s fault that  he smelled like Hisagi, but he felt like it was, in a way. 

“I went to the 4th Squad in the morning, I… passed out and Hisagi-san took me there.” He didn’t expect for the Espada to believe him or forgive him—even though, there was nothing to forgive—but he had to explain himself. Especially, after knowing that Grimmjow told Hisagi to not speak to him anymore.

Grimmjow stared at him with the same expression; the aura he was giving was making  Kira’s lower abdomen hurt more, as if… as if the  _thing_ inside was reacting to him. 

Oh god… Grimmjow had no idea what was wrong with him, how fucked up his luck was… how fucked up his body was… This entire situation was unreal, like a really bad nightmare… and the thought of Grimmjow finding about him being impregnated or being disgusted about him… he didn’t know what he would do if Grimmjow rejected him.

“I’m taking a shower,” was the only thing he could say before looking down and walk past the Espada.

The idea of Grimmjow wanting to leave him brought anxiety like he didn’t feel for a long time. And this was so messed up, sure he did like Grimmjow… he liked having sex with him, and liked spending time with him. Grimmjow was as complex as an Espada could be, but he was also simple, raw; he was straight forward and didn’t lie or pretend his feelings were different from what they really were.  Grimmjow was what he showed he was, with him, what you see is what you get. Kira liked this rare type of honesty. Kira liked him… and Grimmjow did  _like_ him back, but it’s not like he loved him, right? He loved Hisagi with all his power, he knew that from the deepest depths of his heart, Hisagi made him feel like he was on top of the world with his smile and kind words, he made him feel like  disappearing when he stabbed his heart over and over, made him want to die and live again…  While Grimmjow… Grimmjow made him feel like they were the only two people in the world, that everything else around them was secondary and didn’t matter, Grimmjow made him feel… joy.

He pressed his hand against the wet tile, letting the water pour over his hair and face temporarily blocking his senses.

Grimmjow made him happy… made his heart beat madly when he looked at him piercing him with his feline stare that was as intense as fire… Shit…

Kira looked down at his stomach, the muscles moving as he breathed, he couldn’t believe there was something inside, he had a hollow inside… the hollow didn’t allow him to get hurt… it was protecting itself. How could he remove it then? What was he going to do? Grimmjow was going to leave him if he knew…

His skin was red from all the scrubbing, it wasn’t his fault that Hisagi had to touch him to carry him to the 4th, actually he was grateful that the brunet did it, before anyone else could find him unconscious on the floor, but he had to remove any traces of smell in him. Last thing he wanted was for Grimmjow to stay mad at him.

The bathroom door opened and Kira didn’t look back as Grimmjow joined him in the shower, pressing himself against his body. He didn’t say anything as he mouthed the back of his neck, this was his peace offering, and Kira couldn’t feel more relieved when he leaned back.

The thought of losing whatever he had with Grimmjow and go back to be alone was worse than his demotion, than the monster inside him, than Hisagi being mad-

Wait.

_What?_

Grimmjow sucked the spot between his neck and shoulder, making him close his eyes and moan low. His thoughts were getting dangerous… more than normal. Grimmjow’s hands moved from his chest down through his body and he reopened his eyes when they passed by his lower abdomen.

“G-Grimmjow,” his voice sounded so damn pathetic, “Aren’t you going to the dinner?”

“I’m having dinner now,” his other hand grabbed Kira’s face to the side pressing a thirsty kiss. Kira was weak and melted against the kiss, turning around to wrap his arms around Grimmjow’s neck and kissing harder. The large hands moved across his back to grab his ass cheeks with a big squeeze. The Espada was hard against him, and he was getting there too. Grimmjow always made him horny in seconds… “You should go, it is to celebrate your promotion.”

He groaned as Grimmjow’s tongue swirled around his forceful, tasting him.

“Don’t give a fuck.” His mouth moved back to his neck, Kira’s legs becoming so weak he leaned against Grimmjow’s shoulder, and hugged him harder. Grimmjow didn’t give a fuck about dinner parties… 

“Grimmjow?”

The Espada ignored him and continued to kiss him, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin of his neck.

“You should go…”

“Do you want me to stop and go to that shitty-ass dinner?” Grimmjow pulled away and looked at him in the eye.

“No.”

“Then shut up. You’re missing it too, I prefer to fuck your tight ass.”

“I prefer that too.”

The smirk Kira received in return was the sexiest he ever seen. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing Grimmjow again, his hands moving to the strong pecs. The hands in his ass kept grabbing him harder with a bruising grip making him move his hips. His cock leaked against Grimmjow’s and he almost came when he felt a finger pushing inside.

The warm feeling in his chest became heavier, his stomach flipped, and the pain in his belly gone; he sucked on Grimmjow’s tongue eagerly, he wanted nothing more than to feel the Espada. Without realizing, he had turned them around pushing Grimmjow against the wall humping and sliding their cocks together in frantic movements. He wanted more, he needed more.

Two fingers were now inside him going deep and stretching him almost in a painful way, but he couldn’t think about it while he grabbed both their cocks and jerk them off together with both hands. He groaned as Grimmjow bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood, the iron tang spreading with their saliva. The taste of blood seemed to have an effect in Grimmjow as he manhandled Kira so they both faced the wall; Grimmjow’s breathing in his neck send him shivers and he felt Grimmjow grabbing his right leg up and guiding his cock to the entrance, before he could register what was going the sound of his conditioner being thrown on the tub filled the room, _Grimmjow had used it as lube,_ and this very thought made the warm fuzzy feeling in his chest increase at the fact that Grimmjow didn’t just plug his cock in his ass.

The water still poured on top of them filling the room with steam. Kira grabbed the wall in front for leverage as Grimmjow entered him slow and painful; the position was not the best one making Kira shake while standing only in one leg while Grimmjow thrust forward. The groan in his throat echoed in the bathroom and he almost fell as the Espada buried himself until the hilt.

Kira was so full, he couldn’t move… and then Grimmjow started thrusting increasing the intensity faster than he could adjust, and he groaned harder when the hard cock inside him hit his prostate. Grimmjow pulled him against him, holding him by the chest with one arm and his leg with the other one and angling his cock to hit Kira’s sweet spot in every thrust. Grimmjow increased the pace as Kira’s moans grew; the blond shuddering a rolling his eyes in pleasure.

It was overwhelming, all his senses drowning into the feeling of Grimmjow all over him, the familiar pressure building.

“G-Grimmjow…”

The Espada continued to pound him, licking his neck and then pressing his teeth hard enough to break skin. Like before, Grimmjow started lapping and sucking the blood, making Kira shudder and it was the last drop as Kira came untouched, spilling over the tiles. His orgasm intensified while Grimmjow kept fucking him like his life depended on it. Tears ran in his wet cheeks, the pleasure kept hitting him like a tsunami, Grimmjow was so overwhelmingly good that Kira knew that he probably ruin him for good… no one will ever be as good as the Espada.

Grimmjow’s grip in his leg got harder as he thrust faster, his breathing became heavier in Kira’s neck and he bit harder as he came inside him with deep thrusts. The groan from the Espada was all it took for Kira to come a second time.

He closed his eyes, more tears dropping. After the terrible day he had, this was just heaven, but… it would be a matter of time until he wouldn’t have it any more…

Grimmjow let his leg ago and if he still didn’t hold his chest he would’ve fall. He winced as he pulled himself away from the big cock inside, when the Espada was about to complain he turned around and kissed him deeply, clashing teeth and tongues in a fight for need and hunger. Grabbing the blue hair with both hands, he deepened the kiss melting against the mountain of muscles in front of him.

They had found their way to the bedroom still wet and hard again, rocking hips in a second round that made Kira faint mid-way a couple of times.

He opened his eyes to find the room in the dark with the living room light coming through the half closed door. In front of him laid the tabby kitten who curled himself in Kira’s pillow, and behind him laid Grimmjow. Slowly, he turned to face the Espada, he flinched at the sore bite mark in his neck—

Blue eyes widened in shock.

Grimmjow bit him. He bit hard enough to draw blood… Grimmjow could hurt him… Looking at the sleeping Espada he turned to face him completely. If Grimmjow could hurt him, then he could also do blood tests on him, he could… _he gulped…_ he could help removing the hollow from him.

A sudden agony washed over him…

Grimmjow would need to know what was going with him to help terminate the hollow, unless…

Unless… _he had him into doing it without knowing._

**0000000000**

It had been 3 days since he found out about his _pregnancy_. Unohana had not contact him since then, and he hadn’t told her that Grimmjow could help them either.

He had spend this days thinking about what to do: telling Grimmjow was out of the question, he would never do anything that jeopardize what he had now with him; telling Unohana about Grimmjow would be impossible too, how could he admit that he was having sex with an Arrancar?! Plus, this could cause serious issues for Grimmjow, he could be thrown out of the Gotei 13 or Soul Society, hell even sentenced to death… And it wasn’t like he could tell anyone about this either, Abarai wouldn’t understand, Matsumoto—although she was his best friend—was going to tell Hisagi for sure, and Hinamori they fell apart over the years. And telling Hisagi… he rather die. _‘Hey, you know that Espada you hate? I’ve let him fuck me countless times, ah and by the way I’m gay as hell and like to take it in the ass, funny thing tho, I’m pregnant with his baby hollow.’_ That would be some way of coming out to him. Not that Hisagi was homophobic, he wasn’t at all, but Kira feared that if he told him about his sexuality, then Hisagi would stop acting the way he did with him.

Still, he had to find a way of solving the problem. He would need to know how to terminate his pregnancy without anyone knowing it.

The knock in his door startled him. He was still using the Lieutenant office, because Grimmjow didn’t care about it and technically he was the one doing the reports…

“Come in.”

The door slid open to reveal a doleful Hisagi.

“Hey Kira.”

They hadn’t spoken since that day at the courtyard.

“Can we talk?”

“Yes.”

They went outside, far from prying eyes and ears. Grimmjow was not going to like knowing Hisagi came, but Kira couldn’t deny him.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” Kira frowned at his own words. Okay was the farthest from the truth. “You?”

“I feel like crap.”

“Why?”

Hisagi dryly chuckled.

“Because of your demotion? Because of…” Hisagi stopped walking and sighed, “Kira I’m sorry if I was intrusive, I know you know what you’re doing. I know you’re strong and you will always be more level headed than me.”

“Yet, I was demoted.” Silence fell upon them. “I’m not happy, part of me just wants to burst, I worked so hard to be here. I went through so many things, to be a Fukutaichou, and I feel now that it was all for nothing.”

So many years wasted for nothing.

“But I don’t blame Grimmjow, Hisagi-san,” he said making Hisagi look at him. “He really doesn’t care about ranks. I also don’t blame myself, not anymore at least.”

The reality was simple, Otoribashi was an incompetent, if it was Ichimaru he would have never been demoted, and that was the sad true. Ichimaru was a better Captain than Otoribashi. Ichimaru wouldn’t give in to the pressure of Soutaichou.

“I’m sorry, Kira. I trust you, I know you can handle yourself. It’s just... that night... the Espada told me something that made me feel uneasy. He told me he would rip by hands off if I touched you again, and you avoided my touch twice. I don’t know what to make of it.”

Kira blushed even though he tried his hardest not to. Grimmjow had acted as if Hisagi was his ex.

“Grimmjow doesn’t understand well social interactions.”

“Does he need to threat? Let’s face it Kira, I’ve been here for a longer time, if anyone has the right to touch you is me.”

Kira wanted to smack him in the head. Every time Hisagi spoke like that, it sounded like he was flirting, when he was in fact speaking literally.

“Wow, I feel like a piece of meat,” Kira joked, “You shouldn’t say those things, you are a married man, Hisagi-san.”

“So what? She’s my wife and you’re my best friend, I love you both.”

Kira’s heart beat frantically at those words. Hisagi was just glaring as if what he said was the most natural thing in the world. Of course, Kira knew he didn’t mean those words in _that way_ , but it still made him suddenly feel a ray of hope. Hisagi was always misleading when he expressed his feelings.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why?”

“Because you shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” Hisagi raised an eyebrow; he would never understand the impact of his own words.

“If someone listens they may get the wrong idea.”

“There’s nothing in what I said that isn’t true, how can one get the wrong idea?”

Stop it please. _Please_ …

“I have to go.”

“Already?”

“Yes, I need to finish some reports before the end of day.”

“Can I get at least a goodbye hug?”

Kira wanted to hug him, he really wanted to fill the warmth of his arms. He thought about it until he stepped back away from Hisagi who had his arms open ready to hug.

“Go home, Hisagi-san, go hug your wife.”

“Kira…”

“Goodbye.”

He turned around ignoring the frown in Hisagi’s face. He wanted to cry, but at the same he wanted to smile, because this was his way of setting himself free from the unrequited love that haunted him for so many years.

Hisagi was cruel without meaning it, always saying things like _I love you, you’re my favorite person_ or touching him, hugging him, pulling against his chest. Hisagi always brought pain... 

Kira had to learn in how to say no to Hisagi and this was it, he smiled as he walked away, a tear falling from his left eye.

_Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next - Someone finds out about Kira's secret...
> 
> Shameless promotion: Please check Entwined - Fate, the sequel to Entwined - Secrets if you're interested. I can promise HisaKira and GrimmKira goodness.
> 
> Thank you!


	9. Closer

‘ _If you listen closely to the melody of the stars, both laughing and crying will have no meaning.’_

_Dadaroma - Tururira_

Chapter 9 - _**Closer**_

It was after one week of finding out about his condition that Unohana requested him to go the Forth squad.

“How are you feeling?”

“The same.”

Unohana tried to diagnose him again with kidou, once more in vain.

“I have been researching and there are no registries of male Pluses getting pregnant. I believe that the cause is external, it could be a powerful kidou or someone’s ability.”

“Ability?”

“A strong power that can manipulate reishii into creating a false reproductive system. If we think back, healing kidou is quite similar, manipulating reiatsu to make cells regenerate faster. Kurotsuchi-Taichou is also capable of changing the gender of zanpakutou by distorting the reishii, it is possible to modify a body as long as the reiatsu is strong enough.”

“I’m still a man, Unohana-Taichou.”

“Yes, your physiology hasn’t changed on the exception of the artificial womb.” Unohana sipped from her tea thoughtful, “Kira-san, we have to consider all scenarios. At the moment, I’m unsure how we can terminate your pregnancy, we can consider pills, but I believe your body may reject them.”

Kira was disappointed as he heard Unohana, he had a glimpse of hope when he was summoned that she had found a way of dealing with his problem.

“If the termination is something you truly want, I will need to reach out to my contact in the 12th Squad to assist. You don’t need to worry, my contact is trustworthy, however this situation is beyond my scope I won’t be able to do this alone.”

“I want-”

“Kira-san,” she cut him, “I want you to think it through until the end of the week. I know this must be scary for you, but abortion for Pluses must not be done harshly, we have to make arrangements so the soul is transferred to someone else.

“Also, in case we are unable to terminate or you change your mind, we need to immediately start working on the pre-natal care, we need to find a way of monitoring and follow-up, understand if it will last the standard time of pregnancy, and of course how we will handle the birth itself.”

Kira’s eyes almost pop out of his face as he heard the Captain speaking. He had never even considered the intricacies of pregnancy, he had the nausea true, but the way Unohana spoke was as if he could actually handle this whole thing normally.

A baby. As if he was going to have a normal baby.

“Did you speak with your partner?”

He looked down. “Not yet.”

“I understand your hesitation, but I have to reinforce that it would be highly important to be able to test him as well, maybe we could at least understand the cause.”

The cause was that the father was a hollow, how was that for a cause?

He had until the end of the week to decide, five days to give Unohana time to figure out what to do with her contact at the 12th Squad; he wasn’t happy that she was involving someone else in this matter, but whatever it took to end this—he just hoped the person wasn’t Kurotsuchi.

Still, there was nothing to think about, he already knew what he had to do.

-

**Day 1**

The Lieutenant insignia had been with him since the day he was promoted, handling it over was strange, but honestly he was glad that it was Grimmjow receiving it, he would be much more upset if it was another shinigami from his Squad instead.

Kira wrapped it around Grimmjow’s arm showing how to use it.

“You have to wear it to welcome the newbies, it’s tradition for all Taichou and Fukutaichou to meet them.”

“And I need to wear this stupid thing for that?”

“It’s not that bad, at least it doesn’t hurt like that tattoo you have in your back must had.”

“Tche, nothing hurts me.”

“Lucky you, guess I have to do what you do to me and bite your neck. I bet I can hurt you.”

Grimmjow laughed loud, “I wanna see that, I dare you to hurt me, if you do I’ll fuck you gently, but if you can’t I’ll fuck you hard all night long.”

“Seems like you always win.”

“So do you.”

Kira smiled blushing, “You know what? I’ll raise your dare with, If I win, we go out to my home in Rukongai for a long weekend where we can be as loud as we want since no one lives nearby. What do you think?”

“I think you’re the smartest guy in this place.”

His heart was racing in an abnormal speed, Grimmjow praising him made his legs feel like jello; he had said before he liked his smell, but other than that he didn’t tend to say anything nice to him, he didn’t say anything bad either, but hearing Grimmjow while he grinned like that it made him lose reason.

He pressed a kiss in his lips right in the middle of the office, where anyone could find them, but screw it. It was just a small peck, lips locking perfectly. He pulled back fast when he felt Grimmjow’s tongue licking his lower lip.

“You have to go now.”

“Fuck that, give me more,” the Espada grabbed him by the ass, mouthing his neck.

“N-no, you can have more tonight, now you go the meeting.” He evaded the embrace no matter how much he wanted. “You just need to follow Otoribashi-Taichou and stand there while Yamamoto-Soutaichou makes the speech.”

Grimmjow was no longer smirking, his eyes burning with desire.

Kira looked at the clock and pushed him. “It’s almost time, you have to go!” Grimmjow growled, “Come on, if you go, I’ll do the dare tonight.”

The smirk returned after hearing that, “Get ready to not be able to walk tomorrow.”

“Get ready to lose a chunk of your neck.”

Grimmjow smirked wider poking his tongue in the corner of his mouth. “Gonna fuck your brain’s out.” the lower tone of his voice went straight to his cock, the warm sensation pooling there. As he closed the door after Grimmjow left, he couldn’t stop smiling bright red. Grimmjow was so damn hot…

In the evening, Kira was straddling Grimmjow in the futon, hands tracing naked bodies as they kissed, their tongues swirling wet and desperate for more. Grimmjow smelled warm and musky taking him over the edge. He never desired someone so badly in his life.

Kira moaned deep as he rocked his hips, his cock glided against Grimmjow, leaking obscenely; Grimmjow’s hands held his butt cheeks helping the movements.

He closed his eyes as the tongue left his mouth and licked his cheek and then neck, the smell of arousal filled the room, and honestly Kira really believed now one hundred percent that he was addicted to having sex with Grimmjow.

The Espada sucked his neck hard sending shivers to his entire body.

“What about that bite?” his voice was so hoarse, it made Kira drowsy. Grimmjow meant about their dare.

“I don’t know if you can handle it.”

“You broke my hierro once, I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

Kira couldn’t help but smirk, “I’ll do my best.” Nuzzling Grimmjow’s neck, he sucked mimicking what Grimmjow was doing before, the skin tasted salty. He kissed a few more moments trying to distract Grimmjow who kept grinding his hips. Damn, he was the one being distracted… Focusing on the skin in his mouth he grazed his teeth teasing, he could swear he could feel Grimmjow’s pulse, but maybe it was his own, he didn’t know anymore, he couldn’t think properly was when he was this aroused. Lapping one more time, he closed his eyes as he sunk his teeth in his neck. As Grimmjow said, his hierro was thicker, but the moment Kira concentrated his reiatsu he perforated the skin like it was melted butter. The blood pooled quickly, he grinned looking at his work.

“What are you smiling for? It didn’t hurt.”

Kira looked at the Espada quizzically, and then dove and bit again on top of the bite to get some sort of reaction, a hiss or a growl, anything really. Among bites and sucks, the taste of blood overwhelmed everything else, and Grimmjow’s arm twitched around his waist.

He looked back at the Espada with blood all over his mouth and chin. “What was that?”

Grimmjow didn’t reply but stared at his face, his eyes fixed in him wide eyed, flickering to his mouth. “Fuck,” he muttered, eyes narrowing, tongue poking to lick Kira as he was pushed down. Kira’s back hit the futon; closing his eyes he let Grimmjow devour his mouth.

His legs were pulled up around the Espada’s shoulder, immobilizing him completely.

“I want to fight you,” Grimmjow said between kisses. “Full power, no holding back bullshit.”

“Eh?” There was no way that would happen, he didn’t stand a chance. “So you can beat me again?”

“You were holding back.”

“No, I wasn’t, I mean I wasn’t using Wabisuke, but I tried my best.”

“You little shit, if you did your best how come you didn’t hurt me then?”

Kira had no answer for that, he just remembered Grimmjow making a fool out of him in front of the other team members.

“I wanna see your release, I wanna see you using that kidou everybody is always blabbing about.” Grimmjow unleashed his legs from the hard grip and licked his collar bone and went down running his tongue down to his chest, to his abs, to his lower belly pressing a sloppy mouthful kiss, and that made Kira jerk up. The way Grimmjow… right there… he… _Shit…_

Grimmjow wasn’t fazed by his sudden movement, he kept going down passing by his groin and then held his legs up to spread his buttocks.

The sudden panic Kira had, disappeared as he felt the strong wet muscle taking care of him, he closed his eyes unable to think. Unable to _overthink._

**Day 2**

Every single time they had sex, Kira had to wash their sheets. The amount of sweat and semen was ridiculous, and thinking through it, maybe the reason why Kira blacked out so many times was because of dehydration—that or actually the fact that coming 4 or 5 times was his limit before his brain short circuited. But this time, there was also blood, a lot of it and he was concerned if Grimmjow’s blood kink could be dangerous.

The Espada didn’t look hurt and the bite marks had regenerated on their own leaving a small mark that would eventually fade away throughout the day. His own marks, once again, were fully healed. It was obvious the reason why, the _hollow_ inside him didn’t allow him to get hurt, and when it did, he healed faster. _Like_ _an Arrancar_ _._

“Izuru,” Otoribashi grabbed his attention and he joined him at his office. “How are you doing?” this was the first time his Captain asked that since the demotion. He replied a simple fine, and let Otoribashi speak whatever he wanted.

“There’s a mission in Rukongai district 2 that I’m assigning it to you and Grimmjow, a couple of hollows were seen there, but they don’t show up in our radars. I think it would be beneficial to use Grimmjow’s expertise here.”

Expertise?

“Sure, we can check on that. Otoribashi-taichou?”

“Yes?”

“Would it be possible to have the weekend off plus Monday? I need that day for a personal situation.”

Otoribashi was surprised to his request, he wasn’t used for him to request days off.

“Ah, sure. This is funny, Grimmjow asked for the same days.”

Kira held his face the best he could, of course Grimmjow did, they were both going to be away in Rukongai in his home together.

“He did?”

“Well, he didn’t really asked, he just said he wouldn’t come.”

Kira resisted the will to ask if it was okay to have both Lieutenant and 3 rd  seat out at the same time, Otoribashi had to be able to hold the boat on his own.

Rukongai District 2 was a couple of hours away using shunpo; it was mostly populated by wealthy people that respected the Gotei 13 and tended to cooperate with shinigami, however the moment the locals noticed Grimmjow, it was obvious their discomfort to the point Kira had to inform several times that Grimmjow was a Lieutenant.

The hollows had been sighted last time at the border between Rukongai 2 and 3 near a hill. The closer they got, it was obvious something was there. The air was thick with a putrid smell like rotten meat.

“This is definitely the area we were told about.”

It didn’t take long until both of them felt the hollows’ spiritual pressure, it was odd that Seireitei couldn’t trace it since there was nothing abnormal about them.

The moment the hollows engaged them was to attack Kira who easily decapitated one of them. The second one tried to attack from behind, but Grimmjow held it by its face, forming a cero at point blank.

“Traitor!” that was the one word the hollow could mutter before disappearing in thin air.

“You could’ve consume it if you wanted.”

“I don’t eat shitty hollows.”

A third hollow appeared behind them, making Grimmjow push Kira down as he kicked it in the air. Kira groaned as he fell on his knee, and watched the Espada obliterating the third hollow. Grimmjow could’ve been more careful when attacking paying attention to potential collateral damage.

“Was it necessary to throw me on the floor?” he patted his hakama, he had fell in such a pathetic way.

“It was going to hit you.”

What?

Kira stared at the Espada who just casually put his hands on his pockets. Grimmjow pushed him down so he wasn’t hit?

His lower lip quivered as he held the embarrassing sound that wanted to leave his throat. The warm feeling in his chest growing ten fold.

**Day 3**

Unohana requested for him to meet at a strange building close to the 12 th  Squad. It looked like a residential building but with stairs that took him to a basement. Unohana’s contact was not Kurotsuchi, but Kira wanted to throw up when he realized the person was Akon.

He never had problems with Akon, he was a good shinigami, intelligent and efficient, however the issue was that Akon was really good friends with Hisagi. The thought of him telling Hisagi just made him panic even more…

Akon seemed surprise to see him, Unohana hadn’t told him who the _pregnant man_ was.

Unohana and Akon discussed about the different tests Unohana did so far, which led to Akon asking him additional questions.

“Is your partner a seated officer? Does he have a shikai and bankai?”

“Eh… he can release his zanpakutou.” How in the hell could he answer without being obvious that it wasn’t shikai or bankai.

“Does he have Bankai?”

He couldn’t answer.

“Sorry, I’m just asking to understand the reiatsu level of this person. It may be possible that both -your reiatsu caused a reaction that led to creating life.”

“I’m not sure,” he murmured. Technically, Grimmjow cold use resurrección, but was that the equivalent?

“Hm,” Akon pointed to a leaning chair where Kira sat, and tested different devices on him.

Nothing worked.

“I need to work on a new ultrasound device. Kira, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but the reiatsu inside you is protecting you from any damage, we may not be able to terminate the pregnancy in a conventional way.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Akon shared a look with Unohana, “We can do a temporary seal on your Saketsu and Hakusui, and proceed with the termination.”

“How can you do a temporary seal?”

“We can trick the body into thinking they are sealed, it is a risky process, there always the chance of being permanent, but it’s the only thing I can think of now.”

Kira held his breath, a chance of losing his spiritual pressure? He couldn’t do that.

He left the building and started walking back home upset. Akon said he was going to work in a new machine in the meantime to be able to see inside him, but that other than the seal there was no other way of him doing it.

This meant, that only Grimmjow could do it. But… Grimmjow would need to know… How could he have Grimmjow _do it_ without knowing what to do?

What would be his reaction? Would he understand that they created something?

Created life…

_A baby hollow._

_Baby..._

Would Grimmjow understand what meant to be a father?

Kira stopped walking.

A father?

Grimmjow was the father of his… baby.

He was pregnant with Grimmjow’s baby…

Kira was… he was… going to be a father (mother)…

“Izuru?”

He looked back startled at the woman before him.

“Matsumoto-san.”

They ended up in tea house nearby. It had been a long time since they sat like this together, more specifically since before the marriage.

“I’m sorry about your Fukutaichou position.”

“It’s okay, it was bound to happen.”

“Only you can be so cordial about this, if it was me I would’ve gone crazy on Soutaichou.”

Kira smiled, but didn’t say anything.

“Gin would have never allowed this to happen.”

“He would never allow Grimmjow to be in Third.”

“Ha ha ha that’s true!”

They sipped the tea in a comfortable silence. Part of Kira felt bad for not spending more time with Matsumoto, he missed her.

“How’s the married life?”

“It’s going well, not too different from before. Tho, Shuuhei is in awful bad mood since we returned from our honeymoon.”

“Why is he in a bad mood?”

“I don’t know, he won’t tell me.”

Kira wondered if it was because of him…

“Anyways, what’s important is you! Is the Espada giving you a lot of work, apart from becoming a Fukutaichou?”

“Not really, he’s really helpful and strong. Yesterday, he killed the hollows that were in Rukongai.”

“He’s really in our side then. It’s so odd, I kind of what to accept him, but every time I see his mask it freaks me out.”

Grimmjow’s mask seemed to have that effect on everyone… he kind of found it endearing.

“Izuru? Did something else happen, you look different.”

“Different how?”

“I don’t know, you look less stressed.”

Less stressed? Less?! He had a major problem in his hands, he had a baby inside him, he had… no, not a baby… he had a hollow… _it wasn’t a baby._

“I’m gonna have a long weekend off, guess I’m just glad about that.”

“Hmm hmm, like I don’t know you. Did you found someone? Oh my god, you did, you’re blushing!”

“I haven’t, Matsumoto-san, please don’t start spreading rumors.”

“Of course I won’t, but honey, seeing you like this makes me happy. Whoever you have found, they’re doing you good.”

-

Matsumoto had no idea. Grimmjow did make him happy, even in those times when they just laid down in the living room doing nothing but lazing around, or when Grimmjow teased him about his work. Grimmjow’s smile was like an eclipse, scary and shiny, and his touch, his kisses, the way he looked at him when they basked in pleasure… Grimmjow changed the way he saw life.

**Day 4**

The day had started with the usual nausea, followed by the mid-morning vomit. At some point, he uncharacteristically fell asleep in his desk, only waking up in the end of the work day by Togakushi; embarrassed and annoyed Kira didn’t even made an excuse before going home. The way his former third seat looked at him full of judgment made him feel sicker than he was in the morning.

Arriving at home, he kicked his waraji a little too harsh. Grimmjow was already home, laying in the sofa that was covered with his fur blanket, since they started sleeping in the same bed. The Espada was napping with the kitten in his chest.

He walked closer and sat on the floor watching him sleep.

Grimmjow took good care of the kitten, not that it required much since it didn’t need to be fed, but Grimmjow always held it carefully, he always had it in his shoulder or somewhere in him when was home.

This was stupid, but Kira had to compare… he had to imagine Grimmjow holding a baby… would he be also gentle? Would he…

Even if he was an Arrancar, he had to have parental instincts, right? Being a parent should transcend any being, from humans, to animals, to shinigami, it should also affect Arrancar. _I mean, he has feelings for him…_ Even if he didn’t say that he liked him directly, he did convey that he felt something, if Grimmjow could feel something like lust or _romance_ for him, he could also be a… father…

What about Kira? What if they couldn’t terminate the pregnancy, could he be a father? What if the baby was a hollow? Would he have the courage to let it be killed?

_W_ _hat_ _if it was an actual human baby?_

He hid his head in his knees. Would he even be a good father? What would happen to him? Would he be demoted again? Would he be dismissed from the Gotei 13? Would he need to take birth control for the rest of his life? _Who said Grimmjow wants to stay with you for the rest of your life? He likes your smell and your body, there’s nothing else you can give to him._

“Grimmjow…”

“What?”

He looked up to the Espada who was watching him, his hand moving to the kitten to pet him.

Could they be a family? Two fathers with a child?

Was that possible?

Grimmjow frowned and moved, making the kitten stir; holding it with one hand, he sat in the sofa.

“You look like shit.”

“I had a shitty day.”

He was so tired of everything. He hated work, but at the same time he hated not being part of work.

“Come here,” the Espada called so he sat next to him. As Kira started to move he was pulled against Grimmjow who returned to his previous position, but this time with Kira on top of him his head resting in his chest. The kitten was restless, but eventually gave in and settled close to Grimmjow’s neck.

They laid there for a while, with Kira petting the small head of the kitten.

“What’s his name?”

Grimmjow didn’t answer.

“I bet you didn’t name him, that’s so like you, naming means caring and committing to him.”

“… ’name’s Cat.”

Kira smiled a little sad, his answer made him want to cry.

“You named a cat Cat?”

“Hmm.”

“Why did you get a cat?” A small one too.

Grimmjow moved making Cat jump on the floor and Kira lay flat on the sofa, with the Espada half on top of him. “You’re acting weird.”

“Weird?”

“You asking a lot of questions, like you want to say something else.”

Kira underestimated this man greatly, Grimmjow was more observant than he thought.

“I want to know about Cat and you… I want to know more about you.”

Grimmjow frowned at him, and for a second Kira wondered if stepped in a landmine, maybe he misinterpreted every thing and it was just about sex, maybe he went too far away.

“Cats are okay…”

Kira smiled at that, Grimmjow frown eased a little, “What else do you want to know?”

“Hmm… you put me on the spot now… let me think… Why did you come to the Gotei 13?”

“I was promised strong opponents, I gotta say that I’m disappointed.”

“Sorry about that.” He didn’t want to tell Grimmjow that there were strong opponents—literally every single Captain—but didn’t want to give him any ideas.

“Whatever, what else do you wanna know?”

“Why me?” The question was vague, but Grimmjow didn’t look confused.

“You are okay…”

His heart beat fast, the sadness from before turning into something confusing and warm.

“I also have a question,” Grimmjow started, “Why did you want me to kill you?”

Kira looked down remembering the first day they met, when Grimmjow pinned him against the wall.

“It’s complicated.”

He was a depressed, a person who hated the world.

“Do you still want me to kill you?”

“No,” he truly didn’t, “But if I have to die, I wouldn’t mind you being the one who kills me.”

“You’re fucking crazy.” Grimmjow leaned down to kiss him.

“I am, but so are you.”

“Damn right, only someone crazy would come to this shitty place.”

Kira ran his hand in the soft blue hair and leaned into his kiss.

“Do you dislike Soul Society that much?”

“It has its moments, but I gotta say that I like my entertainment,” he moved to nuzzle his neck, Kira laughed.

“I see Grimmjow, you’re in Soul Society just to fuck me.”

“It’s definitely my favorite thing.”

He closed his eyes as Grimmjow sucked his neck.

“Grimmjow…”

The warm feeling overpowered everything else.

**Day 5**

He woke up before Grimmjow and left before early. Today was the last day he had to make a decision. And the decision was simple: he had to inform Unohana and Akon that Grimmjow was the father and that he could harm him, therefore he could terminate the pregnancy. However, this brought the problem that Grimmjow would need to know about it…

He waited until the Seireitei library opened and went to medical area that was restrictied to the 4 th  Squad members, however he always had a pass there due his past affinity.

“Our apologies, Kira-san, but only Fukutaichou or above can access.”

The librarian did seemed apologetic, but it didn’t make the situation less bothersome. He thanked her, and went to the public area of the library to the normal medicine section. So, he lost his library privilege for not being a Lieutenant anymore? That stung.

The public section was not shy of books and resources, but couldn’t compare to the official records and manuals from the 4 th . He retrieved a few books about pregnancy and hid in a private reading office.

He studied the different stages of pregnancy and all the modules about miscarriages and abortion. As he opened a new book, he froze watching a few pictures inside with different babies, real babies. Some sleeping, others eating, others smiling, he stared at the last picture which was a blond baby with big blue eyes looking straight at the camera with his mouth opened in a small ‘o’. The picture was simple with no additional meaning, but he couldn’t stop looking at it, while tears fell from his eyes.

_What if…_

**-**

He went to his office for a couple of hours and left early to meet with Unohana and Akon at the same place as before.. He left a couple of hours earlier than he should, but he just wanted to go for a walk before… he stopped at a small garden behind the building, and sat in the bench.

Why was his life so fucked up?

Kira was always someone who knew what he wanted, even if he didn’t get it, he was always sure of what he cared and what he hated. And he was someone who always avoided others affairs, avoided people at all costs…

He allowed Hisagi to get close because Hisagi was so pushy… particularly after the betrayal, after Kira tried to end all… Hisagi never gave up on him, and that led him into falling for him…

He also allowed Matsumoto to get closer, and without realizing the closer they were, the closer Hisagi and her became, which turned his life upside down.

He had let Ichimaru get closer too, and look what that brought…

Every time he let someone near, bad things happened… and now with Grimmjow…

The one time he was the one getting closer…

He pressed his hand in his belly and closed his eyes…

‘ _Big blue eyes staring at him...’_

He knew what to do…

Standing, he patted his hakama clean, and started walking towards the building.

_He knew..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - the weekend
> 
> Thank you all for your kudos and comments! <3


	10. Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My deepest apologies for the late update. My job took a big chunk of my personal life due to deadlines, but hopefully I will be back with better updates now.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your support, it's been a great motivation for me, all your kudos and comments make me want to continue more and more!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.

“ _Flesh could not keep its glamour, nor eyes their sheen. They would go to nothing soon. But monsters are forever.”  
― Clive Barker _

Chapter 10 - _**Mine**_

The moment they arrived at the empty house, Kira barely had any time to put his bag down before he was pined against the wall with Grimmjow’s hands squeezing his ass tight while mouthing his neck hungrily.

He couldn’t help but grin at how desperate Grimmjow was when he pressed his groin on him, the outline of his big cock so obvious against his own. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head giving the former Espada more space to devour him. And that was exactly how Kira felt, _devoured._ Eaten alive as Grimmjow bit him, marking his neck and collarbone harshly; but the moment his rough tongue licked over the bruises, Kira melted completely. Wrapping his arms around the broad shoulders, he pulled Grimmjow closer to let him know to _please continue…_

Grimmjow’s hands continued to knead his bottom after slipping beneath the hakama. There was only one thing in his blue haired head, and nothing could make him stop, it was the same thing that was in Kira’s. Kira wanted him, he wanted more, he wanted them to fuck so hard he’d forget his name, he’d forget everything…

“Grimmjow…” his voice was hoarse, his own desperation so evident. He grabbed Grimmjow’s head with both hands, getting his attention, and without rationalizing pressed their mouths together. The moan he let out as he felt the other’s tongue was shameful, the little rest of his dignity thrown out of the window as he decided he couldn’t care less how needy he looked. They were both in the safe space of his home in Rukongai, far from prying eyes and ears. Here they could do anything they wanted and more, and never be found.

The tongue in his mouth was as possessive as it was in his neck, the taste so unique, so _Grimmjow_ that he never got tired of.

Grazing his hands to the front over the strong chest, he pulled the kosode and shitagi off. _Why were they still wearing clothes?_ At the same time, his own hakama was ripped from him in a swift move and with a tearing sound that was muted by his moan as his tongue was sucked lewdly.

Having a shirtless Grimmjow in front of him took Kira over the moon, his hands explored the chest and muscles that he loved. It didn’t take long for his mouth to continue where his hands wandered, leaving kisses and a tongue licking the pecs and abs going down tracing the hollow hole. Grimmjow tensed, his eyes never leaving Kira’s while the blond very slowly lapped the outline. It was odd for both of them, as if that hole was a silent barrier that they both chose to ignore, avoiding thinking that whatever was the _thing_ they had was not normal, was a fucked up situation they got into, that it was messed up for a Shinigami and an Arrancar to mingle, and even more to fuck. That was why, he lapped forward on the inside of the hole in a way that made Grimmjow tremble. He didn’t care about the hole. He didn’t care if Grimmjow was an Espada or former Espada or an Arrancar ou whatever, he liked what they had now… he liked him… and that was why he didn’t care of the consequences of his decision. _He liked Grimmjow._ And he was selfish like that, with Grimmjow… he liked him and wanted him.

Kneeling, he removed the clothes from Grimmjow, freeing the impressive cock that was hard and blushed, the tip covered in pre-cum. The smell was arousing, and he kept his eyes locked on Grimmjow’s as he pressed a wet kiss at the tip, sucking the liquid that pooled at the head. With a smirk, the Espada buried his fingers in the blond hair and pulled so he swallowed his cock as much as he could. And Kira obliged.

Grimmjow was big, way above the average, but Kira had all the intentions to deepthroat him as much as possible, although he never reached the base of the cock. His eyes tear up when Grimmjow forced himself deeper in his mouth, and at that point he just let him do whatever he wanted. Wrapping his arms around the strong muscles of his buttocks, Kira gave the signal for the Espada to continue what he was doing. It was heavy, painful and scary the way Grimmjow fucked his mouth, but all he could think of was to concentrate in sucking and lick the underside as much as he could, ignoring the saliva dripping from his chin.

With a sudden halt, Grimmjow pulled out by his hair, drool still connected between his mouth and the dick in front of him.

“Fuck.”

Grimmjow made him stand by his hair and Kira was drawn like a magnet to his face, his eyes in a daze, and he whimpered when the Espada’s tongue met his lips and chin licking all it could. Tucking his own tongue out, he waited like a dog for Grimmjow’s tongue to meet him.

“You’re fucking nasty.” Kira realized the words were not meant to be mean while Grimmjow did exactly what he wanted, and maybe ( _maybe)_ Kira liked that tone of voice a little too much, his cock twitching in need.

He pressed himself against Grimmjow after discarding his last pieces of clothing. He wanted to fuck, he wanted to get rammed by Grimmjow, he wanted, he wanted, he wanted…

Grimmjow turned him around so Kira was facing the wall in front of him, legs were pulled apart and fingers went straight to his entrance teasing the sensitive skin.

“L-lube is in there,” he pointed at the bag on the floor. And unexpectedly, Grimmjow stopped his ministrations and grabbed the brand new bottle Kira had purchased earlier.

It took just seconds for Grimmjow to lube his fingers and for him to press one inside making the blond tremble and grab the wall in front for support. The thought of how easy the finger slipped inside was soon forgotten as the same finger rubbed his insides where it felt so good over and over.

“G-Grimmjow?” He wanted to kiss him, kiss him while he was fingered so good. The Espada ignored and inserted a second finger that—again—went too easy inside of him, as if his body was accepting all of Grimmjow. The precision of the digits was so intense, keeping Kira at the edge of his orgasm. “Grimmjow…” he begged and turned his face to meet Grimmjow’s who let his head being grabbed by his shaky hand and met his lips in an open mouthed kiss. Kira moaned deeply as the fingers stretched him and teased his prostrate mercilessly. He pushed back, fucking himself in the fingers and at that point Grimmjow thought it was a good idea to insert two more fingers.

It hurt, the discomfort changing the tonality of his moans.

“Slow! S-slow down please.” he asked, hoping Grimmjow could reason at this point. The Espada would generally immerse into the need of release and go simply… wild. Like a ferocious hungry animal, ignoring all his pleas to slow down or stop. The pace did slowed down, but the fingers still went deep inside of him making his legs tremble uncontrollably.

The air became thicker the more time passed, Grimmjow’s mouth back in his neck and he closed his eyes as a particular bite broke skin, the pain lingering in the left side of his body, distracting him from the fingers that left him, and the urgent movement of Grimmjow’s cock entering him. He disliked starting to have sex in this position because it always hurt the first time Grimmjow entered him, but once again, the cock slid inside easily, and now Kira was sure… his body was allowing him… the groan he let out as the head of the thick cock brushed his inside, proving that.

Grimmjow thrust back and forward in a mild pace for a good minute until he started shoving faster, the slapping sounds of skin echoing in the room. Kira cried out at the sudden strength and held with both hands the wall in front, hopeless. The sadistic side of Grimmjow kept fucking him harder and harder against the wall, almost pulling him up from his feet at the impact of the thrusts, and Kira literally started crying, because it was so damn good the way it felt inside, making him cum unaware, long stripes of white covering the wall not stopping for long seconds. His brain became dizzy, the build up tension still present in his body despite of his release. Grimmjow grabbed him by the front of his throat making him lay the back of his head against the broad shoulder.

He was still disoriented from cumming while he let Grimmjow pull his body against him, but nothing could’ve prepared him when Grimmjow grabbed both his legs, hooking them on his arms, and pulled him up exposing his front to the wall. He held the head of Grimmjow with his arm reaching behind him, the only thing he could reach while he was fucked in the air.

The sudden fear of falling forward made him panic, but at the same time, the way Grimmjow held him was so strong that made him feel little and protected at the same time. The thrusts were deeper than they ever been due to the position, and Grimmjow was not holding back, making Kira moan loud in staccato at the rhythm of the thrusts.

“Look at that,” Grimmjow’s voice in his ear made him open an eye, his gaze going to where Grimmjow moved them. His mouth gaped at the sight of him being fucked—the mirror didn’t hide anything. He could see between his spread legs, Grimmjow’s cock going deep inside him, his hole accepting all of it, while his own cock jumped up and down at the movements.

The breathing of Grimmjow in his ears didn’t hide the grin in his face, and how satisfied he was from seeing them.

It was as if he was electrocuted by a violent need of relieving himself mixed with a bomb that exploded in his bottom and groin that spread throughout his body. He convulsed for several seconds, while the feeling didn’t cease, but continued as Grimmjow kept fucking him and grind against his overstimulated insides. Despite of the feeling, he didn’t ejaculate… The tears fell non stop and he wondered for a second if he was going _to actually die._

He had no strength to ask for Grimmjow to stop, and honestly? He didn’t want to. Especially, watching Grimmjow in the mirror looking at him; as their eyes met the Espada slightly frowned and thrust his hips deeper, his breathing faltering against Kira’s ear while he came inside him.

The room was filled with the squelching sounds as Grimmjow kept thrusting, riding his orgasm out, and now Kira was 100% sure that he was fucked… literally and figuratively, because he was sure that not only he liked Grimmjow, but he wanted to stay with him for the rest of his life, he wanted Grimmjow to be his partner, to be the father of their baby.

_Kira wanted to stay with him for the rest of his life._

**0000000000**

**The day before**

Akon and Unohana watched him carefully, their reaction was expected considering his demeanor last time they were together.

Regardless of the questionable look they were giving him, his decision was made and he wanted for both of them to know that.

“Alright, then I’ll keep working on the ultrasound, and leave everything else to you Unohana-Taichou, births are not my area.”

“Thank you Akon-san. Kira-san, we will need to work on a step by step plan, for now we can keep it between the three of us, but we won’t be able to hide a pregnancy from everybody.”

“Soutaichou will need to know to approve Kira’s leave, also Otoribashi-Taichou will need to know.”

“I will assign a member of my team to aid you, Kira-san, I won’t be always available for you. I’m choosing Yamada Hanataro who can keep a secret and has experience with pregnancies.”

“Okay…”

He had many doubts about involving others, but those were the side effects of his choice. He heard the other two planning how to move on with the pregnancy with peace in his mind.

There was only one thought bothering him, one that made him follow Akon when he was leaving.

“Akon-san.”

“Yes?”

“Can you please not tell Hisagi-san about this?”

Akon stared at him for a few seconds before replying, “I’m not going to tell anyone as I mentioned before to you and Unohana-Taichou, but I thought Hisagi would be the first person you would tell.”

“Why?”

Akon looked away, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Nevermind, I misunderstood things. By the way, you should consider tell the father as well,” Akon tilted his head, “You will need him for emotional support.”

That was something Kira couldn’t refute.

**0000000000**

Grimmjow was god with his tongue, every single press of the wet muscle in his body send him to heaven. Like now… he was licking his wounds, taking care of Kira after the second, technically third round.

Their legs were entangled with sheets in the sweaty bed, however that did not made it an obstacle for Grimmjow who was licking the remnants cum from his stomach in slow long strokes.

Kira was so tired and sore that didn’t move, allowing Grimmjow to do whatever he wanted.

The focus became his belly button, that was teased with the tip of the tongue. Grimmjow kept teasing there for a few minutes to the point that it was weird. Why was Grimmjow so obsessed over that part?

The licking went lower right to where the artificial womb was; Grimmjow spent more time there.

The touch was so gentle, it made Kira bite his lower lip. He remembered Akon’s words… he had to tell the father… but he was so afraid of Grimmjow’s response. Would he understand? Would he want to be a father? Would he leave him? Kira was not ready for that, if Grimmjow left him he would crumble down…

“Grimmjow?”

The Espada looked up, his mouth in his hip, the bright blue eyes unusually soft.

Kira sat and grabbed the other into a hug, nuzzling his nose in Grimmjow’s neck. Why was this so hard? Generally, talks with Grimmjow were easy, they were straight forward, no need to think or hide words and meanings, unlike how it was with Hisagi. With Grimmjow it was simple… it should be simple now too…

“You’re acting weird again.”

The words made him flinch a little, and Grimmjow noticed as he sat comfortably with Kira still clinging on him, the Espada’s hands grabbing his ass cheeks.

“I am?” Grimmjow didn’t answer, but scowled. “I am weird.”

Grimmjow snorted and replied amused, “You fucking are.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Depends.”

Kira kept his arms around Grimmjow’s neck, but pulled away enough to face him.

“You’re weirder than me.”

“You made me weird.”

The way the words left his mouth were so smooth, Kira’s heart faltered.

“How so?”

“Your body and your smell…” of course Grimmjow liked him physically, he had always assumed that Grimmjow’s _feelings_ for him were romantic, but in the back of his mind he always knew that he was just using his body… “And your taste and your voice…”

“My voice?”

“The sounds you make, I wanna hear them all the time.” He emphasize it by gripping his bottom harder.

“What else?”

“Your mouth…” the rough tongue licked his lips. “And your reiatsu…”

_What?_

“My reiatsu?” Kira felt dumb as he repeated his words, but he had no idea how to process what he was hearing, because it was all physical right? There could not be any other reason...

Grimmjow looked at him thoughtful, “your heartbeat is increasing…”

Of course it was! No one ever said those things to him!

“What about my reiatsu?”

“It’s warm and dangerous… pulling me into…”

“Into…”

“Fuck, I don’t know…”

_I like you. So much…_

Kira was such a coward, he wanted to tell Grimmjow he wanted him, that his reiatsu also made his body tingle with excitement, that he was all he could think of every day, that they were going to have a baby, but he couldn’t… not now… he wanted Grimmjow to stay with him, to like him back, to want him!

He kissed him roughly eager for more and Grimmjow kissed him right back.

-

He woke up completely sore from the last round that may have been a bit too much for him… he was sure his balls were empty, especially after having almost a second dry orgasm. Grimmjow slept soundly next to him, his body also not recovered yet from their bruises.

The twirl in his stomach made Kira cringe, and he had to crawl to the bathroom fast before he could spill its contents in the toilet. Morning sickness was hell… he leaned against the bathtub waiting for the nausea to cease. It was normal for women to feel like this when pregnant, but part of Kira wondered if he wasn’t feeling extra crappy because his body wasn’t made to have a child. He had no real womb, no… orifices from where the baby could be born from… how in the hell was he going to do this? Was his belly going to expand? Stretch like it happened with women? He felt his body that was still flat, _was something really there?_

“The fuck you doing?”

Grimmjow stood in his naked glory at the door frowning at him.

“Nothing, just feeling a bit sick…”

“You vomit everyday is that normal?”

He had to lie, to hide the truth, just for now… he would tell Grimmjow after the weekend.

“I have… a condition, but I’m taking care of it, no worries.”

He followed Grimmjow’s gaze to the hand in his lower abdomen, and he removed it quickly. The Espada didn’t say anything and left. Kira sighed as he tried to stand on his feet, and rinsed his mouth. He didn’t expect Grimmjow to ask questions, he rarely did.

Damn, he had to tell him… after they returned to Seireitei he would tell him.. he had to.

**0000000000**

It had been two months and three weeks since Hisagi’s wedding, and Kira was still a coward. Almost 3 months since he was pregnant and he hadn’t told Grimmjow.

Since their weekend at his house in Rukongai, Grimmjow had become… _possessive._ He knew he didn’t like Hisagi and he always did everything he could to avoid them being alone, sticking to him with a murderous look in his face whenever he saw the Fukutaichou. However, he was starting to act like this as well with Abarai, and Matsumoto, and Hinamori, and their Captain…

But it was specifically after Kira had any interaction with Hisagi, which were honestly just quick hellos or a distant wave—because Kira was doing everything he could to avoid Hisagi, there was fucking no way he would let him know that he was pregnant or with Grimmjow—that Grimmjow would be more attached to him… licking him all over once they were home, or pound him against the wall or the first surface they found. The Espada was not good with words, but was good with actions, he was basically telling Kira that he belonged to him… And Kira really liked this side of Grimmjow… no matter how scary it could be.

Kira had just finished dinner and was sitting in the sofa against Grimmjow who was napping with Cat. He didn’t feel sick, but lately he had an abnormal hunger. Well, not really hunger, more like a craving that he didn’t understand what it was.

He tried to avoid eating anything else, since he had a tinybump now and wanted to avoid getting fat and make it harder to conceal the pregnancy. The bump was small, so small that he was sure that Grimmjow didn’t even notice although he spent so much time licking his body.

The ticks from the clock in the wall seemed loud, he moved anxiously trying not to think about food.

“Shit.”

Ignoring his previous thoughts he went to the kitchen and went through his refrigerator that had nothing besides Grimmjow’s milk.

Reluctantly he grabbed a package and opened sniffing the milk.

His eyes dilated, his brain became blank, his stomach growled.

And he drank the entire package in two large gulps, stopping to breath when it finished. The empty carton fell on the floor when he grabbed another one and gulped it down. The taste was strange, sour with a herbal tinge mixed with an unknown substance. _It tasted good._ The craving being satiated by the milk. He finished the carton and drank from another one, and another…

“What the fuck?”

Grimmjow always found him in the most compromised ways. Kira didn’t realized he had sat on the floor among empty milk cartons and in the middle of drinking from one. His eyes were dazed as he saw Grimmjow walking towards him and crouching grabbing the milk from his hands and taking a gulp himself. His eyes followed the milk to Grimmjow's mouth and then the milk again as he stopped drinking.

“You know what you just drank, right?”

“Milk.”

“Milk with what?” he gave the package back to Kira who drank it again closing his eyes in relief, he was finally feeling full. Grimmjow snickered.

Stopping, Kira cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand.

“With what?”

“What do I eat?”

Kira stared at him still half high from his milk.

“You eat Hollows.”

“Yeah.”

And at that Kira snapped out of his stupor, eyes widening in horror as he looked down at the quantity of empty packages around him. He just consumed... he just...

“Are you going crazy again?”

His heart beat increased triggering a panic he hadn’t felt for a long time.

“I-I’m…”

He had to tell him the truth, he had to… he was so afraid now… he didn’t know what he was doing anymore…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - the moment we've been waiting for!


	11. Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate my job... I really need a new one... but life... arghh...
> 
> ok sorry about the long wait, please have some fluff to compensate, I hope...
> 
> thank you all for your support <3

‘ _Where there is love there is life.’_

_\- Mahatma Gandhi_

Chapter 11 - _**Us**_

Grimmjow laid in the futon on his side holding his head with his arm, while Kira sat s _eiza_ -style. Since his mini-freak out in the kitchen floor for drinking the Hollow milk, he had dragged the Espada to his room, after a serious, _“_ _I have to tell you something_ _.”_

And here he was now, with Grimmjow glancing at him, eyes darting to his neck and bare knees that were peeking from the semi opened yukata, with Cat sitting next to him licking its paw indifferent.

‘ _I’m pregnant’_

It was simple, just two words. Two simple words that would change everything between them.

“Grimmjow,” his throat was dry, his heart beating so fast it hurt his chest.

“You nervous.”

Observant as always, Grimmjow seemed to always know how he was feeling or at least his level of stress.

“Grimmjow, do you know how children are made?” And this was how stressed he was, to the point he was starting the most important conversation of his life is such as stupid way.

“What the fuck is with that question?”

“Well do you?”

Grimmjow scowled at him, “people have sex and kids are born.”

“Yes, have you ever seen it happen? In Hueco Mundo I mean?”

Grimmjow burst in laughter that made it hard for Kira to hold a smile of his own. He loved that laugh.

“There’s nothing, but death in Hueco Mundo.”

“So, you never saw a Hollow fathering children?”

“Hollows don’t fuck.”

_Well, you do._

If Hollows couldn’t conceive then this entire situation was even more bizarre, the chances of them having a baby should have been null.

“Is that Lieutenant woman pregnant?”

“Eh?”

“From your _friend_ is that why you acting odd? You jealous?”

Grimmjow’s face changed drastically no longer laughing or joking; teeth baring aggressively.

“What, no!”

“You fucking jealous of her, your smell changes when you see her.” Kira had no words he could reply. Grimmjow sat and grabbed him by the back of his head, pulling his hair harshly exposing his neck. “the same way it changes when you see _him.”_

“Grimmjow…”

“What you denying? You can’t fool me, I bet when you open your legs to me all you can think about is him.”

“N-no, that’s not t-true…”

“Then what?” he asked breathing in his cheek, “Who do you think of?”

“You! You Grimmjow!” with all his strength he wrapped his arms around Grimmjow’s shoulders. “I only want you, I like you.” The thought of Grimmjow doubting him made his heart clench hard. “I just want you, and your smell in me. I really like you Grimmjow, you’re the only one I think about.”

The way the words left his mouth were so damn sappy, he never in his life admitted to like someone. He never felt so emotional, damn his freaking hormones were out of control.

“I… I used to like Hisagi-san, but now it’s just you. There’s no one else,” he hugged Grimmjow hard. He only wanted him, just him, not even Hisagi crossed his mind anymore, he just wanted them to be together, together with their child…

The Espada’s strong bicep moved around his body, and the hand in his hair soothed its grip. 

“Grimmjow… you like me too, don’t you?”

“Fuck off,” Grimmjow bit his neck instead of adding more, but Kira could feel his breathing and sense the frantic heart beat in his neck. He couldn’t stop smiling as he kissed in his lips. There were no words needed from the blue-haired, his hidden embarrassment was enough for Kira to know, to feel resonating inside him as if they were bound.

_Kira could feel Grimmjow._

Grimmjow licked his bottom lip turning his body ultra sensitive, he could feel him in every single cell, he could feel Grimmjow’s reiatsu flowing along his bloodstream, the warmth of his reishii strong and bold. He was submerged in the energy of the Espada.

_He could feel him…_

The hands in his waist stilled abruptly breaking the link, and Kira opened his eyes. Grimmjow was staring at him wide eyed.

Shit, if he could feel Grimmjow then Grimmjow could also feel…

“I’m pregnant.”

There was no response other than the emergency alarm ringing from outside the barracks. He tried to get up, but Grimmjow didn’t let him move.

“We have to-”

Grimmjow just stared at him making a face he never saw before and couldn't describe.

“Grimm-”

“How?”

His blue eyes were so intense that Kira was frozen on the spot. The alarm was loud and annoying, they really had to go and check what was going on, but Grimmjow holding him now took all logic away.

“I don’t know.”

“I thought only women could-”

“And only women can. I don’t know how I… I think it’s because you’re an Espada, my body changed inside to accommodate the… baby.” He was trembling under Grimmjow’s grip. This was it, he was going to be alone, he was going to…

Grimmjow looked away and frowned thoughtful for a second and then looked back at him.

“Fuck.”

His hands gently pressed against his stomach.

“Fuck”, he murmured against Kira’s mouth and grinned. _Grinned._ “We need to leave.”

“What?”

“Get your zanpakutou.”

They both got Wabisuke and Pantera and left the house. Several shinigami were walking around frantically, the emergency alarm still rang, but no communication was shared yet for its cause. Grimmjow had grabbed his arm and went around the building, walking in the shadows away from others.

In an emergency state, all seated officers had to meet the Captain, and Grimmjow was doing exactly the opposite.

Kira didn’t care, because Grimmjow had just accepted him and their baby.

_He could feel it._

He smiled as he followed the Espada in the dark night away from the commotion.

**0000000000**

Grimmjow hated these meetings. It was a waste of time.

Shawlong was right behind him, standing straight with his hands behind his back while the others stood further away bored out of their minds.

They were summoned half an hour ago and were still waiting for that fucker former shinigami to arrive. Across the room all Espada were present with their respective Fracción, on the exception of one that was missing, which was fucking suspicious. Nothing good came from that dumb shit.

“Yylfordt where’s the loser?”

The blond Arrancar looked around looking for his brother.

“Have no idea where is he.”

Not longer after, Szayelaporro finally arrived with Aizen and his two shinigami lackeys with a fucking smirk in his face.

“He’s done something,” Shawlong spoke at his side.

Whatever, he just wanted to get over with the meeting.

Aizen spoke some bullshit about new joiners and that they were preparing the next level of Arrancar, something about the Hogyoku manipulating reishii particles at his will and then did a demonstration to a low level hollow who was turned into an Arrancar.

After the meeting, Grimmjow had been summoned along Ulquiorra, Coyote, Nnoitra and Szayelaporro. Aizen made a second speech about the Hollow genome and used the Hogyoku to boost their power as he did every so often.

“Thank you, Szayelaporro, you did great this time.”

The pink-haired Espada still had that disgusting grin in his face. Fucker.

“My pleasure, Aizen-sama.”

“What did you do?” Nnoitra asked clenching his fist.

And Aizen chuckled at that, leaning back in his throne.

“Let’s call it insurance.”

** 0000000000 **

The alarm had stopped a few seconds before the Tenteikura that explained that a group of shinigami had breached the Muken prison, but were unsuccessful in reaching the first barrier. 

The idiots had planned to release a former shinigami  that was imprisoned there, and Yamamoto became concerned it was an attempt to free Aizen. After an all night interrogation followed by an inspection in every squad, things finally went back to normal.

Otoribashi was not happy that Grimmjow and Kira disappeared during the night. “Izuru, I expected more from you.”

He hadn’t say anything, even if technically he followed his Lieutenant’s order.

Grimmjow didn’t care about what their Captain spoke, leaning back against the wall rolling his eyes.

“Grimmjow, you have to follow the protocols. Don’t forget you’re in probation, Soutaichou and Central 46 may pick on any small opportunity to expel you.”

Kira didn’t want that, he didn’t want for Grimmjow to leave, something he made quite clear once they returned to their office.

“I don’t care about those rules, give me a break.”

“But if you don’t care, they may actually send you away.”

“Whatever.”

Kira bit his lip nervously, why couldn’t he see that he was in risk?

“Grimmjow you saw what they did to me, they had no problems in demoting me. This is serious, please look at me,” he grabbed the Espada’s arm.

“What? I don’t give a fuck about those shitty rules.”

“Well I do, because if you fail you’ll leave,” and _I will be alone._

“So let’s leave.”

“What?”

“Let’s leave this place.”

The silence was deafening.

No matter how much delusional he was with love, he knew that there were certain things that couldn’t be done and this was one of them. No matter how happy he was that Grimmjow would want them to leave,  _together._

“We can’t desert…”

Grimmjow scoffed, “then don’t bother me into doing bullshit tasks. I’m doing what I want, in the way I choose. If I see something off I don’t give two fucks, I will kill anyone who comes close.”

K ira leaned against the table trying to understand why the sudden outburst.

“I know, I just don’t want you to go…” God, he was so pathetic and needy… 

The Espada smirked, moving his hand to the back of his thighs. “If I go, you go.”  he was pulled up to sit in the table with Grimmjow between his legs as he registered what Grimmjow was saying.  Oh great goodness, Grimmjow wanted him, if he left he would take Kira with him. 

“Really?”

This was a dream, Grimmjow accepting him, wanting them to be together.

Grimmjow answered him by grinding his hips and biting his neck, soothing right after with his rough tongue.

It didn’t take long until Kira was without his hakama and had his legs spread  on top of the table with Grimmjow’s fingers brushing inside where it made him squirm in pleasure.  His skin was so hot, his mouth salivating has he was engulfed in Grimmjow’s smell and arousal. 

“P-please, let’s do it.” he didn’t have to ask twice. Grimmjow removed his fingers and adjusted himself between his legs inserting the thick head of his cock. Kira threw his head back as he was opened wide slowly, without hesitation. He shuddered every time Grimmjow thrust, his own cock leaking more and more has he went deeper and faster. At some point, he had to cover his mouth to stop the loud moans and screams, while they fucked idiotically in the office.

T hey did it twice and collapsed in the love seat that neither fit laying down. Kira was sure something was wrong with his head, because he just spent an hour having sex in his desk with Grimmjow and was now laying down on his chest in the sofa, limbs entangled, both naked and smelling of sweat and cum. Anyone could come to their office, even if the door was locked.

He was in love with Grimmjow, absolutely madly in love.

“What should we do?” he asked as the Espada’s fingers touched absentminded his belly. “About the baby.”

“How bad will it be if they find out?”

“Unohana-taichou already knows, but she doesn’t know you’re the father. I don’t know how they will react knowing the father is an Arrancar and not a Shinigami.”

“You shouldn’t have told her.”

“She was the one who found out.” and he told Grimmjow about everything, on the exception that he wanted to terminate the pregnancy at some point. He would keep that as a secret for the rest of his life.

“I don’t mind people finding out about us or the baby, but I’m afraid that they will take you away or that the 12th Squad will want to do experiments.”

“Let them try, I’ll destroy them.”

Kira looked up to face Grimmjow. “I can’t believe you’re okay with this. I never thought you’d react this way.”

“It’s nothing much, gonna have a kid so what? It is what it is, I’ve been sensing a weird reiatsu in you for a while, and now everything makes sense. It’s my reiatsu mixed with yours.”

“It’s us, _our baby,”_ Kira blushed bright red at his own words.

“Yeah.” 

This was the first time in a long while he felt genuinely happy, relieved. Grimmjow wanted him and wanted their baby. He was so in love with him. He wanted to stay this way forever.

He laughed when Grimmjow wasn’t letting him get dressed and was tackled with licks and bites in his body, he laughed when he jumped on top of Grimmjow in the sofa and they made out for another 20 minutes.  He smiled when Grimmjow smelled his neck and purred satisfied.  And bit a smirk when he left the office and Grimmjow told him “See you tonight.”

He arrived home and took a long shower letting his sore body relax, it would take a while until it healed itself.

After, he was so tired, he laid down in the sofa in the blue furry blanket for a quick nap with Cat waiting for Grimmjow to return.

…

Kira woke up with Cat jumping on the floor and stretching itself. It was already late night. He sat up feeling even more tired than before, and with no sign of Grimmjow.

Lurking around the house, there was no sight of his lover. Did he have a last minute assignment?

The minutes and then hours went by and Grimmjow was still not there bringing the old feeling of  anxiety. It was stupid, Grimmjow could handle himself better than anyone, but he was so used to be with him every night… he held his belly tenderly. Damn, he was just thinking too much.

Or at least he thought he was until next day morning, when a sickening feeling overthrew his self-reassurance: 

Grimmjow did not come home and no one knew where he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's gonna get angsty... very angsty...


	12. Hollow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies for taking so long to post this chapter, and thank you all for your support in reading and commenting!

‘ _Where does madness leave off and reality begin? Is it possible that even my latest fear is sheer delusion?_ _’_

_\- H.P. Lovecraft_

Chapter 12 _**-**_ _ **Hollow**_

Three days passed since Grimmjow was missing. Otoribashi had told him to not worry about it, that Grimmjow was busy and unreachable in an important mission.

Kira didn’t believe in him. Or maybe he didn’t want to believe, because in the back of his mind there were these little thoughts crawling like worms, quiet but fierce like sharp knives poking his brain.

His Captain told him that Grimmjow was in a mission for 3 days, that it was confidential and he couldn’t reveal what it was by Yamamoto’s order. It was odd that Grimmjow had left without saying anything and has been away for so long. What if Grimmjow was in trouble for not following up the emergency protocol when the attack on Muken happened? What if he was actually held captive somewhere? What if…

_What if Grimmjow changed his mind about the baby and decided he need ed to distance himself ?_

It couldn’t be… Grimmjow was fine with the idea, he was laughing last time they were together, Grimmjow was… he was happy.

 _He’s an_ _Arrancar_ _, he can’t be happy._

No, Grimmjow was happy, he’s different than the other Arrancar and Hollows, he was-

_Why is he different? Because he fucks you? Sex is a basic instinct, just like eating. Do you really think he’s gonna stay with you and be a family? He’s a Hollow; Hollow’s eat children, they don’t do parenting._

Kira felt like he was going insane alone in the house with Cat, with Grimmjow’s blue fur blanket wrapping his body, in the sofa. He laid there awake, barely able to sleep more than 2 hours straight looking at the door, waiting for Grimmjow to arrive at any time.

He had cried, threw up, and cried some more to the point he was feeling numb. He was so fucked up and emotional he didn’t trust himself anymore. His belly hurt, the reiatsu inside him wavered in distress, missing the feeling of Grimmjow. Their baby was missing him and so was he. Being away from Grimmjow felt like he was dying.

_Please come back, Grimmjow._

He returned to the 4 th  Squad where Unohana examined him within her limits and gave him pre-natal vitamins.

“This is the regular care we provide to pregnant women, it might not have any effect on you, but it won’t hurt either.”

“Thank you.”

Unohana smiled gently, handing him a piece of paper.

“You have reached the second semester, by what I am seeing, it seems that the duration is following the regular pattern. Kira-san, my apologies for asking once more, but have you spoken with your partner?”

Kira gripped the paper hard in his hand, it was a leave, Unohana was giving him official time off.

“Yes.” it was the truth, although Kira felt uneasy about telling her more. Grimmjow had advised him to not tell her anything else, to keep everything as a secret. “But he’s not ready to come out, so I’m not going to reveal who he is.”

If she saw through his lie she didn’t let him know.

“I understand. Kira-san, I can give you time with a two week term leave, but I will need to inform Yamamoto-Soutaichou of this happening before renewing the next one. I will do my best to aid you, but as you can understand a male pregnancy is unprecedented, it will get attention.”

“I’m aware Unohana-taichou,” _but I won’t let_ _anyone hurt m_ _y child_ _._

Kira spent the following week studying Hollow and Arrancar biology to keep his mind busy from Grimmjow’s absence. A Lieutenant away for almost two weeks in a mission was odd, something was not right. Or maybe it was alright, maybe having Grimmjow in the team, meant that he could go to higher risk missions, maybe it meant he could do more than Kira could ever do in that role.

Grimmjow not being there with him made him doubt everything, what if he never returned? What if Kira was abandoned and would be alone with their baby? _**What if Grimmjow never returned?**_ He tried hard to ignore the hitch in his brain, the one that he normally silenced with pills that his body now rejected. He hated not being able to rely on them anymore, it was dangerous going back to where he was 5 years ago. He held his belly tight. _He couldn’t go back to what he was back then._

He had to be strong, Grimmjow was just away for a few days, he was going to return. And when he did, Kira was going to kiss him until next day.

It wasn’t until several days later that he realized how truly fucked up his life was.

He had decided to finally go out shopping for basic supplies and groceries, considering he couldn’t simply live on hollow-milk, it wasn’t healthy for his body or the baby; and he ended up running into Abarai who was going to have lunch with Hisagi, and was forcefully taken with them to the noodle shop.

Hisagi seemed thrilled to see him, his smile sparkling from miles away. Although, Kira was in love with Grimmjow, Hisagi’s smile still made him feel giddy and Kira was sure that was something that was never going to change.

“You look really good, I mean since last time I saw you,” Hisagi was sitting next to him completely facing him. “Healthier.”

Kira raised an eyebrow at that, he felt anything but _healthy._

“Yeah, you look like you put on some weight, you look good,” Abarai backed up.

“Ergh.. thanks?” Oh, he knew he had a baby bump now, but it was still covered by the clothes, it shouldn’t be obvious. He had to be careful, avoid going out at any costs.

“Man, it’s been so long since we saw each other, just because you changed rank it doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore.”

Abarai’s words had a larger effect on him than he expected. He was feeling so lonely lately, it was hard to keep all of these secrets and have no one to share. He wished he could speak to him…

“And honestly, Hisagi is right, you _do_ look healthier, maybe not being a Fukutaichou has its perks? Less stress? Even your skin is glowing, are you getting laid?” Abarai chuckled, and Kira froze.

“Abarai, come on,” Hisagi intervened.

“What? He’s not denying, oh shit Kira you’re red, are you getting some? Is that why you gained weight, you found yourself a girlfriend who’s cooking for you?”

He felt suddenly the will to throw up. Grimmjow wasn’t even his _boyfriend_ (they never discussed this) _,_ much less cooking or be all domestic for him. Grimmjow didn’t even knew what most things in his house were for.

“No, I haven’t. I’m just doing more desk work since Grimmjow is handling the combat training in the squad.” Mentioning Grimmjow’s name was weird, he tried to be as casual as he could, but couldn’t stop the feeling in the back of his throat.

“Uh uh, you know it’s about time Kira, Hisagi is married, I got a girl, you’re the only one missing.”

He honestly had no answer, and thank goodness because if he said something he would be something in the lines of _I-have-a-partner-and-we-are-going-to-have-a-baby._

“I don’t mean anything bad about this, I just want us to move on and focus on ourselves instead of war and battle and work.”

Their food was served and Kira was glad so he could focus on eating and less on answering Abarai’s questions.

“But seriously, before Hisagi started dating Matsumoto, I even wondered if you two were going to hook up since you were always together, even though Hisagi would never trade boobs for anything else.” Hisagi chuckled at that, and Kira felt sicker swallowing slowly his food, he wasn’t hungry anymore.

“Hahaha, sorry Kira, I love you, but Abarai is right, I won’t trade boobs for dick.”

He tried to laugh, even if awkwardly, but couldn’t so he continued to take small bites of his noodles, ignoring the bleeding in his heart from Hisagi’s words.

“Nothing against homos, but I just don’t understand what is so fascinating about a dude, plus if it’s about ass, women have asses, you can still do anal with them.”

Hisagi hummed in agreement, “True, and with women you can have biological kids, but I guess it’s more than that, right? In the same way I like blue-eyed blondes, gays like their own gender.”

“Yeah, that’s what I meant. I mean I can tell if a guy is attractive, but that doesn’t mean I wanna fuck him you know?”

“You won’t have sex with any woman either, it’s a matter of taste.”

“Eh, would you have sex with a guy then if he was your taste? Blue eyed blond, you have one right next to you, but he isn’t your type, right?”

Abarai’s words made the food in his stomach turn. He couldn’t look up to see Hisagi’s response but whatever it was, it was going to be bad.

“Fuck you, Abarai.”

“See that’s what I mean. We all have different tastes, which is okay, but doesn’t mean I don’t find it odd. What do you think, Kira?”

He finally looked up, but avoided any eye contact.

“I… I think it’s not about the physical aspect. It’s more about the person. You can have the most beautiful person in front of you, but if their personality is bad that person won’t look that attractive anymore.”

“What is your type, Kira?”

“I haven’t though much about that to be honest, but… I’d say someone with a good smile.”

That was one—if not the only—common thing between Hisagi and Grimmjow, they both had breath-taking smiles. Even if Hisagi was more on the kind side and Grimmjow on the sadistic side.

“So you have an oral fixation,” Abarai said grinning, Hisagi laughed at that. “I bet you love receiving head.”

_I love giving too._

Kira looked down and continued to eat, but to his dismay Hisagi didn’t let the subject go.

“I kinda agree with Kira, just because the person is physically attractive doesn’t mean that they _are_ hot or pretty or you’d want to be involved with them. For me if the personality isn’t compatible, it’s not attractive.”

“Ok, what about the opposite, the person is super compatible with you, they are basically your other half, except they are physically not your type, what do you do?”

Hisagi smirked as if he was waiting for the question, he put an arm around Kira’s shoulders who flinched at the sudden touch.

“I become best friends with him.”

Hisagi wasn’t malicious, but his words were pure poison. Even if Kira had Grimmjow now, all he could think of was that until 4 months ago Hisagi was his life, and hearing him answering so proudly as if he was complimenting their relationship while it was the exact opposite it was excruciating.

“Wait, so if Kira was actually a woman, you would have dated him?”

“Abarai, if Kira was a woman, I would’ve married him.”

Both Hisagi and Abarai laughed loudly, as Kira’s heart clenched so deep he felt his mouth water. He couldn’t eat anymore, he was tired, his baby’s reiatsu uncomfortable inside him.

“Sorry Hisagi, but I think Kira doesn’t give two fucks about you.”

Both Lieutenants looked at him to get any reaction, he bit his inner cheek to pull himself together. “Sorry guys, just have a lot in my mind right now.”

“It’s okay Kira, we just wanted to distract you.”

“Yeah, just wanted to take your mind away from work.”

“How are things going with Grimmjow, he seemed kind of distracted in the meeting yesterday.”

_Yesterday?_

“He was in the Fukutaichou meeting?”

“Yeah.”

“Last week too?”

“Yes, he’s been there every week.”

Kira felt his mouth salivating more and gripped the table in front of him and drank from his glass of water. Grimmjow was in Seireitei? Why couldn’t he feel him? Why didn’t he come to see him? Why didn’t he come home?

The nausea became overwhelming and he got up just in time of going to the bathroom and spill his entire lunch in the toilet. He vomited harsh and so much, emptying his stomach.

Grimmjow was in Seireitei...

He was here.

But why… why…

_Maybe he found someone else. Who would want a pregnant guy?_

“Kira?” Hisagi’s voice broke his train of thought while he stepped inside the bathroom. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, sorry.” he stood and flushed the toilet. He moved past Hisagi to wash his hands and rinse his mouth.

“Was it the food?”

“No, I just have an upset stomach.”

“Okay.” Hisagi didn’t seem to believe him, but didn’t pressure him about it. “Do you want me to take you to the forth? Or back to the third?”

“No, it’s fine. Thank you.”

It took longer to convince Abarai that he didn’t need assistance, and after negotiating that they could accompany him mid-way, they finally left.

Once Kira arrived home, he put away the groceries and stared at the empty house. If it wasn’t for the milk, the blue fur and Cat, there would be no signs that Grimmjow had ever been in his house.

Hisagi’s words echoed in his mind, _‘I_ _f Kira was a woman, I would’ve married him.’_

What if Grimmjow thought the same? What if he was now with a woman? What if… There were so many what ifs, and Kira was tired of thinking about the thousands of possibilities of Grimmjow not wanting him anymore.

What did he actually had to offer Grimmjow on the exception of his body? Why did Grimmjow stayed with him for this long?

He sat on the sofa, holding the fur tightly and glancing at the Hollow biology book in the coffee table.

This was never suppose to work out, wasn’t it?

It was just sex. Good, great amazing sex. No feelings, just primitive instinct.

Hollows were physically and psychologically unable to have positive feelings, things like love weren’t part of their physiology or their center as beings.

Kira was left alone. He was pregnant and abandoned with no one to reach out. In two days, Yamamoto was going to know about his pregnancy and most likely Kira was going to be dismissed from duty maybe even experimented on by the 12th; hell, he might even be ordered to reveal who the father was and by denying be accused of insubordination.

He sobbed once more, he had no idea what to do or where to go. He wished he could speak with someone, but he had no one. He only had Hisagi and Abarai, but after today… Abarai wouldn’t understand… and Hisagi… he didn’t want Hisagi to be disappointed at him.

He held his stomach as tears fell non stop. He had no idea what to do.

**0000000000**

Grimmjow was tired of the wasteland. Hueco Mundo was atrocious, he couldn’t stand the quietness anymore. His fingers were eager to rip something, his body dying for the feeling of the adrenaline pumping in the heat of the battle, and he missed the smell of blood.

This place was utterly hell.

That freak former shinigami’s face in the screen made his needs grow ten fold. If the man was there next to him, he’d just pluck his heart out of his chest with his bare hands.

“ _So what do you think? I can get you something to do and I’m sure Kurosaki-kun will be willing to spar with you.”_

He wanted to claw Urahara’s smile off.

“Deal.”

“ _Wonderful! We’ll be waiting for you then!”_

Urahara cut off and the screen turned black, making Grimmjow stare at his own reflection.

This wasn’t the best idea, but at least he could fight Kurosaki Ichigo, maybe even kill a few shinigami in between.

_Anything to fill the hole in his core._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter - more insight about Grimmjow's past (and present)


	13. What is power?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for you comments and kudos! <3 They mean the world to me!
> 
> This is a Grimmjow-chapter hence why is smaller. There's some back and forth with timelines, I hope it's not confusing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“… but with time

Bored sore of clawing what was mine

I laid my bones and made my throne

With a view to paradise…”

_\- Doberman Pharaoh – Cradle of Filth_

Chapter 13 – _**What is power?**_

The shinigami laid in his own blood screaming while holding his severed hand. The terrified look in his eyes made Grimmjow grin, _he loved w_ _hen they feared him._

“P-please! I beg you!! I-I don’t know anything!”

Weak.

He crouched before the less than a man in front of him, holding his bloodied Pantera teasingly.

“Pleading for your life while lying, you are fucking stupid,” he pierced Pantera in the shinigami’s leg earning another scream. “Maybe I’ll cut another limb.”

“N-no! Argh!!” the man yelped when he twisted the blade. It wasn’t his style to torture people, it barely brought him any joy or excitement, but he had to do what he had to do. “Fine! I-I’ll tell you everything. P-please, no more!”

The man spilled his guts about the raid to Muken and the intention of freeing some guy he never heard of. It seemed that there was nothing related to Aizen which made this whole thing a waste of time.

“T-they will know, my Captain will know what you did to me and my companions, you filthy hollow!”

Grimmjow tilted his head and grinned wider than before, “That’s where you’re wrong, who do you think asked me to do this?”

The man’s eyes widened in terror before he sliced his head off.

He walked away past the entrance of the cell, where a shinigami stood with crossed arms and wearing a white haori.

“Good job, Grimmjow.”

“Tsk.” He ignored the man and went to the next cell, where another shinigami already bruised lied on the floor, leaving a trail of bloody footprints from the several cells he already visited.

**0 000000000**

Urahara evaded his attacks cunningly and that pissed him off. This guy was a former shinigami Captain, way below his level but was still underestimating him. He was tired of this shit, so before he would lose his patience he built the cero in his hand and shot it against his opponent.

Dust took over his line of sight, but he knew that Urahara had evaded again his attack, _barely_. The former shinigami’s hat glided in the air half destroyed.

“You broke the rules again, Grimmjow.”

The underground training grounds had suffered already a couple of gran rey ceros and he was sure pretty sure that if he did a few more the ceiling was going to collapse.

“In battle, everything counts.”

“Indeed, but this isn’t a battle, it’s a lesson. You can’t always rely on your reiatsu, what if you find yourself in a situation where there’s no reishii? Shinigami go through intensive courses of Zanjutsu and Hakuda and Kido exactly to be prepared for any situation.”

“I’ll fight my way out.”

“I have no doubts about that. But what if you can’t? This lesson is on how to think strategically instead of blind emotions. You will never know if you’ll find yourself in a situation where you have to defend instead of attack, attack when you cannot destroy, and protect someone when in battle.”

This was bullshit, sure there was some logic behind, but why would he want to protect anyone? If others couldn’t fend for themselves, then they deserved to die.

*

Kurosaki fought him two more times since he went to the Human World. And in both times, Grimmjow lost by minimal mistakes. A step too slow, a move too sloppy. He hated it and hated more when Urahara made him watch the recording and he saw his mistakes over and over.

*

He drank the bitter milk feeling like the last part of his pride was gone. Was this even worth it? He could just go back to Hueco Mundo and eat a fucking Gillian.

“Shinigami have to cleanse Hollows and send their souls to Soul Society or Hell to bring balance to all worlds. Eating Hollows will disturb that balance.”

He was going to fucking starve.

*

Train, train, train. Faster and faster, reaching the limits of sonido, merging with Pantera without incantation in a blink of an eye. He _had_ to be faster.

*

Tessai held another card with a word written. The stokes were getting difficult to understand by the minute. Too many characters.

“What a waste of time.”

Szayelaporro was the brainy one, he was the muscle guy, he wasn’t meant for this.

Urahara was leaning against the wall, observing. The bastard was only able to convince him to do this because of the way he sold the idea to him.

“ _Grimmjow, words can_ _win_ _more battles than swords.”_

And he was right, because he did exactly that with Grimmjow.

Fucker.

_He hated that bastard._

He sighed and focused on the symbols.

“Victory.”

Tessai smiled brightly and he could swear Urahara also smirked behind his fan making him roll his eyes.

“Next one.”

*

He jumped from rooftop to rooftop in the night. It kind of reminded him of Hueco Mundo, but with a bad scent. Hopefully there would be a Hollow attack and if he was fast enough he would eat it before Urahara’s alarms detected it.

He stopped midway when he noticed a familiar orange-haired head and grinned, _finally some action._ Before he moved though, he watched as Kurosaki chuckled, his face without a hint of worry or stress and pulled the healer woman by her hand twirling her in the empty road. Their laughs sounded like thunder in Grimmjow’s ears.

Kurosaki’s expression was something he never saw before; it was hard to believe that this kid who had defeated him so many times could do this kind of face and acted like a fool with his woman. Someone so strong that could destroy the world in seconds holding hands with someone else as if it was more important than power.

Grimmjow grimaced. Human emotions were disgusting and incomprehensible.

*

“Ahhhh!” the girl screamed when the hollow grabbed her by the waist with a tentacle hand. Grimmjow cut his head with his modified Pantera and watched it disappear. The girl landed on her feet and ran across the road.

“Are you okay?” she asked, but not to him, she held a small cat in her hands. The animal made a small sound, and the girl smiled brightly turning her attention to him.

“Thank you, sir! Are you a friend of my brother Ichigo?” he didn’t reply wondering how small the town was for him to run only into people Kurosaki knew. The girl walked towards him unafraid, “Oh, you also have a mask? You’re just like my brother too! Are you a Shinigami?”

The question startled him and he turned back to leave. He _was_ training to go to Soul Society, but being called Shinigami? What the actual fuck?

*

Kurosaki and the woman were engaged. Humans had the weirdest rituals. Mating or dating or marrying, and then offspring. It was such an unimportant thing, something that Kurosaki didn’t agree.

“It’s everything. To love and be loved is the foundation of a human being, without love what is the point on living?”

“The point is to win. To challenge and fight.”

“What for?”

“To be the best.”

“Sure, but what for?”

Grimmjow wasn’t understanding what Kurosaki was asking.

“When you’re the best, you rule, others will fear you.”

“Why do you want to rule and have others fear you?”

He scowled at the question, “Do you have a point?”

Kurosaki chuckled and he made the serene face he had seen that night when he was spinning his woman in the empty road. “I fight because I want to be strong to protect the ones I love. I want to do everything I can to make the world a better place, and in the future when I become a father know that my kids are safe.”

This was disappointing.

Kurosaki was a fucking sap. Grimmjow _might_ have just lost some respect and will to fight him again.

What a stupid reason to be strong.

**0000000000**

The water ran cold as he washed the remnants of blood from his body. The rundown room he was staying was smaller than any place he had ever been, it made him feel like the walls were closing in. The sekki-sekki around blocked any spiritual pressure making it impossible for him to use Pesquisa or any other form of identifying reiatsu.

He changed into a less bloody Shihakushou and grabbed Pantera leaving that damn room for good. His mission was over and all he wanted was to get a proper hot shower and bury his nose in a certain godly-smelling neck.

Eyes widened when said neck was passing by across the road along Abarai and that fucker Hisagi. They were far away making it difficult for him to see his face, but he could somehow _sense_ Kira. He grinned slightly as he started following them. Eventually the two Lieutenants left Kira on his own, who continued to walk to the Third Division.

Grimmjow still grinned as he walked stealthy and ready to pounce him, when he was called.

“What are you doing?”

Hisagi glared with his arms crossed.

“What do you want?” Grimmjow barked, grin suddenly gone.

“You were following Kira and it looked like you were going to attack him.”

“Fuck off.”

“No, you fuck off,” Hisagi replied standing straigth. “He’s not well so leave him alone.”

“What do you mean he’s not well?”

“He’s sick, leave him alone.”

Sick? He frowned, he sensed that his body was fine, Kira was _physically fine._

Ignoring Hisagi he turned to follow Kira, only to be stopped again.

“I’m serious, stop.”

“ _You_ stop fucking ordering me around, I have no problems in ending you.” Even if he was Kira’s friend or whatever, he wouldn’t hesitate to just end his existence. It would be a great riddance to put him down.

“I bet you would. You’re a monster that thinks is above the rules and the law.”

Grimmjow chuckled at that remembering what he did in the past weeks in the name of the shinigami. They were all monsters.

“You call me that but you shinigami are worse, at least I admit enjoy killing.”

“I don’t kill unless in defense.”

“Defense? Don’t make me laugh, you can name it however you want, but killing is killing. You shinigami are all the same, always acting all mighty and superior when in fact you’re worse than Hollows.”

“I’m not going to discuss this with you, talking to an Arrancar is like talking to a wall.”

“Sure, turn your back when you ain’t right, uh? Fucking hypocrite, ‘Justice without a great cause is nothing more than slaughter. However-”

“- that same slaughter in the name of a great cause is justice,” Hisagi completed and they stared both until Grimmjow laughed hard.

“I fucking knew you reminded me of someone. I bet you worked with that fucker! Shit, was he your Captain?”

Hisagi paled in front of him, his hand clenching into a fist. He was angry, he breathed deeply before exhaling.

“You are nothing more than an animal, Espada. Leave Kira alone or I will have no problems in showing you my justice.”

Grimmjow watched him turning around curious. Of all Lieutenants he was the only one who admitted bluntly that he didn’t like him. Of all Kira’s friends he was the only one who seemed to take his hatred personally.

“Maybe you should ask him first if he wants me to leave him alone.” That made the shinigami stop walking. “You think you know him? What’s _best_ for him?”

“What do you know about me and him?” Hisagi burst. “I know him for almost my entire life, of course, I know what is best for him, I was and am always there for him. What do you know?”

So Grimmjow was right about the reason Hisagi hated him. Fucker, he should kill him right here, right now. Obliterate him or…

“I know that unlike you, I don’t make him cry.”

The words left his mouth before he could think of, and he was glad because the face Hisagi did was too good be missed. The bastard turned around and left for good.

Grimmjow also turned to go back to the Third, Kira probably had arrived home already. As he passed by the gates, he was intercepted by Otoribashi and a messenger.

“Grimmjow, I know you just arrived, but there’s another mission for you.”

He growled in response.

“I don’t care.”

“What, Grimmjow you can’t-”

“Excuse me, Jaeguerjaquez-Fukutaichou, the mission is written here, and the meeting point with Unohana-Taichou is only the day after tomorrow. This is above Top Secret for which even I wasn’t informed. The letter can only be unsealed by your reiatsu.”

The messenger gave him a closed letter, which made him groan—now he had to _read_ the message.

The Captain walked with him as he went to Kira’s place.

“I hope all went well with your mission. Even I don’t know what you’ve been doing, must be really important, ah? I think Izuru will be happy to see you, I think he’s feeling lonely.”

Grimmjow didn’t say anything in return and just turned around to Kira’s house, thinking about all of things he wanted to do the blond.

He unlocked the door and was greeted by Cat meowing loud; as he walked to the living room he noticed the blue fur in the sofa heavily scented with Kira’s smell. As he walked further he noticed that Kira was actually in the bathroom, the sound of the water tap closing giving him away. While Kira patted his face with a towel, Grimmjow sneaked behind him.

It took a whole seven seconds for Kira to notice he was behind him as he looked at himself in the mirror above the sink, jerking violently, startled.

“G-Grimm…” His voice faded away and they watched each other through the mirror. It took just 2 seconds for him to turn around and put his arms around Grimmjow’s head clinging desperately.

And finally, Grimmjow did what he was craving for so long and nuzzled his nose on the crook of Kira’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, they together!
> 
> next chapter - Grimmjow's mission....


	14. I know what I want, what do you want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, your comments... I'm so thankful for your support! <3 I wish you all a great New Year!

‘ _What you think of as pain is only a shadow. Pain has a face. Allow me to show it to you. Gentlemen, I... Am... Pain’_

_-Pinhead, Hellraiser: Bloodline_

Chapter 14 – _**I know what I want, what do you want?**_

Kira’s vision was blurry and his head dizzy. He didn’t remember much of the past minutes, on the exception that Grimmjow was back and that Kira had attached around his neck and didn’t let him go.

Grimmjow mouthed his neck and growled sniffing harder.

“ _That fucker.”_

Kira knew he was talking about Hisagi who had held him in the restaurant and most likely his smell still lingered, but he didn’t say anything and kept holding Grimmjow with the fear that if he let him go the former Espada would disappear.

All the despair he felt before, the fear of being abandoned, of losing someone he loved, the father of his child, all of those thoughts were numbed by the strong arms around him. Grimmjow was warm and thick and real, his presence alone suffocated Kira with a grip that was overwhelming. The smell of his sweat, his reiatsu, the hard muscles of his arms. Grimmjow was here, he was truly here.

He moved his hands to Grimmjow’s greasy hair tilting their heads so they were face to face. Grimmjow looked slightly weary, but the glint in his eyes remained.

_It was really Grimmjow here._

“W-where were you?” Kira chocked, his voice beyond pitiful. He was so pathetic.

Grimmjow’s eyes dropped to his mouth.

“Mission,” he murmured before connecting their lips and Kira shivered, his body was on fire as if touching Grimmjow had lit a thousand electric currents sparking every cell alive. He pressed his mouth reciprocating the needy kiss darting his tongue to meet Grimmjow’s. Even if he had so many questions in the back of his mind, they meant nothing now, only kissing Grimmjow was important.

Grimmjow separated them only to lick from cheek to his jaw lasciviously and he couldn’t stop himself from tilting his shoulder and give space for more as Grimmjow lapped and sucked hard in his neck. He hummed and gripped harder the blue hair so Grimmjow wouldn’t stop.

He didn’t. In fact, Grimmjow’s arms wrapped around his waist harder as he bit down in his neck and growled.

“His smell stinks.”

“So do you,” Kira chuckled when Grimmjow opened an eye quizzically at him clearly unhappy with what he just heard. “When was the last time you took a bath?” He ran his hand again in dirty hair. “Don’t make that face, I love your smell, but I don’t think this is only your sweat.” the copper smell was obvious in his pregnant-keen nose, even if the other was wearing a brand new shihakushou, he smelled of blood and Kira didn’t have to check to know it wasn’t Grimmjow’s.

They ended up in the shower, with Grimmjow sitting in the stool and Kira straddling him and washing the blue hair. Something about how domestic this felt made Kira melt in happiness, it was like they were a real couple, like a _married_ couple. Of course Grimmjow didn’t care about that, they didn’t even stipulated if they were dating, although the possessiveness of Grimmjow was so incisive that they were exclusive to each other. But Kira could dream of, right? Not that he wanted to have a wedding like Hisagi had, even just the thought of an event so big and filled with people made his anxiety flicker through the roof. He just liked the idea of belonging to someone, of having Grimmjow returning home after work to him, like a boyfriend, a partner. Even if no one knew, even if in secret.

It wasn’t like their relationship was going to ever be accepted. The moment they had the baby it was going to be imperative for their next steps, because either he was lucky and the baby was a regular Plus and he could still pretend that the father was a shinigami, or the baby was going to be a Hollow and then their lives as they knew would be over.

Grimmjow had his eyes closed as Kira massaged his head, scowling as Kira stopped to rinse with water.

“Why didn’t you come home if you were in Seireitei?”

“Was told not to, gotta say that shinigami are sly as fuck.”

“Why?” Kira said trying to stand, only to be held by Grimmjow who got up holding him and walked them to the bath that was ready. He didn’t reply until they entered the tub and Grimmjow sat leaning back with Kira still straddling him in the same position as before. “Why are shinigami sly?”

“They wanted me to do their dirty work.”

“What kind of dirty work?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Kira frowned. What did they ask Grimmjow to do?

“It does, you were away for a long time, I didn’t even know that you were in a mission until Otoribashi-Taichou told me. Not even a phone call or message… I was so worried!”

“No one in this place can beat me.”

“I know…” he wasn’t worried that Grimmjow was hurt he _was_ stong, he was worried that Grimmjow had abandoned him, but he wouldn’t say that aloud.

He adjusted his legs sitting closer to Grimmjow and they both made a sound when Kira’s ass rubbed against Grimmjow’s cock. Kira was emotionally exhausted, but his brain simply turned off as Grimmjow’s hands moved to his ass cheeks and moved grinding against his body.

They kissed harsh and deep while Kira’s own hands teased strong pecs. Teasing fingers made their way down to Grimmjow’s Hollow hole, as the Espada’s fingers moved to the center and rubbed his ass. Kira broke the kiss with lidded eyes and watched as Grimmjow breathed hard at the touch, sensitive.

He leaned forward to tease Grimmjow’s lips with his tongue, a light flick that took everything he had to not just force his tongue in that amazing mouth. Grimmjow grunted and pushed a finger inside him in revenge, but Kira couldn’t only smirk as moved to Grimmjow’s mask and continued to lick teasingly.

The finger inside left him completely and Grimmjow pushed him away abruptly, before Kira could even feel any sort of disappointment he was made to turn over and stand on his knees, bending over the edge of the tub—gently, which threw him off even more—and soon his ass cheeks were parted and warm wetness pressed against his most intimate part. He moaned loud in the bathroom as the tongue lapped him hungrily, and he wished he could turn around to see Grimmjow burying his face in his ass, but as the tongue did unbelievable things inside he couldn’t concentrate or move an inch except accepting the feeling.

The way he leaked pre-cum was obscene and he was sure he was going to come the moment he touched himself.

“Ah… Grimmjow...”

Grimmjow’s tongue was replaced by two fingers aimed directly to his prostate that made Kira cry out ignoring the fact it echoed in the bathroom. His lover stood on his knees behind him lapping up his back as his fingers worked him open.

He missed this, he missed the feeling of Grimmjow so much.

“Put it in,” _please._ He couldn’t concentrate in anything except the burning sensation inside him. The stretch was going to hurt, but he wanted his body to remember the feel of Grimmjow.

Fingers slid off and the tip of the big cock kissed his entrance slowly pushing its way inside. His knees hurt, the warm water tickled his thighs but he wouldn’t trade anything for this moment, especially as Grimmjow pulled him him against him, his back pressed against the broad chest and bit him particularly hard where neck meets shoulder and at the same time thrust in.

Kira came immediately, his semen spilling in the bathwater in long stripes.

“Eager for my cock, uh?” Grimmjow blew in his ear, and pounded fast and harder giving him no time to adjust or recover. He was sure that he was crying and sobbing, but he couldn’t stop the sounds he was making as Grimmjow fucked him with a brutal tempo. _He was going to pass out._ The built in his stomach and groin grew again, and he could feel his second orgasm form.

He held Grimmjow’s arms in his waist to hold himself from falling. The slapping sounds in the bathroom were as loud as his moans, water spilling over the tub in small violent waves at the impact of Grimmjow’s hips against Kira’s.

The Espada’s breath was still in his neck and when a hand grabbed his cock, his vision turned white at the overwhelming feeling exploding inside him in a dry orgasm that almost made him pass out if not for how erratic Grimmjow’s movements became until the Espada buried himself deep with a loud groan.

Kira couldn’t stop the lazy smile as Grimmjow rode his orgasm inside him.

They had spent the following day pretty much sleeping and fucking like they had done many times before. This brought Kira a sense of normalcy that put him at ease. Grimmjow was with him and everything was alright.

Grimmjow was strangely calm by the end of the day gazing at him in the bed Kira had freshly made, _again._

“What?” Kira asked laying on top of his lover, chin resting in his chest. Grimmjow just stared at him and he couldn’t tell what was going on in his head. It made him feel self-conscious.

“Grimmjow?” Kira hid his face in his man’s skin. “Stop it.”

“Why?”

“You staring.”

“So what?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

Grimmjow turned them over so Kira laid in his back with him on top.

“Why is it embarrassing?”

Kira didn’t have an answer to that.

“You afraid the way I look at you?”

“N-no,” it was the opposite actually.

“My gaze paralyzes others in fear.” Kira had no doubts about that, he had seen sometimes the predatory glare his lover gave when he was unhappy with something, and he was sure that was just one percent of it.

“You want me to be afraid?” Kira scoffed and looked away cunning, “Like a prey?”

Grimmjow contorted in the familiar sadistic grin. “You should.”

“Why, you’re gonna hunt me? Kill me? Eat me?”

“Definitely _eat_ you.” He moved slowly grazing his teeth in his collarbone. “Until there’s no meat or bone left.” Kira shivered as Grimmjow’s mouth moved closer to his jaw. “Eat you up until I’m full.”

“I may taste bad…”

“Nah,” Grimmjow licked his neck to prove his words. And Kira giggled. _I love you so much._

“Grimmjow, don’t leave for so long again.” The Espada kissed his neck softly instead of answering. “At least tell me where you are…” _I don’t wanna be alone._ “So I don’t worry.”

“Wanna know the missions?”

“If they are confidential you don’t have to tell me, just warn me if you aren’t coming home and for how long.”

“Don’t give a fuck if they’re confidential or whatever.”

He actually didn’t mind knowing what Grimmjow was doing, but he could get in trouble for revealing his mission.

“I have one after tomorrow.”

Kira pushed Grimmjow away trying not to pout. “So soon?”

“Still don’t know what, I received a letter yesterday.”

“How long will you be away?” Kira’s voice was so cringe-y, when did he become this clingy?

“Dunno, but that doesn’t matter now. Isn’t something else you should be focused on?” Grimmjow pushed him down and rutted against him, his hard member making itself known. And Kira relished himself in the hot body above me trying not to think of when Grimmjow would be away from him.

**0000000000**

Kira walked to the building behind the Twelfth Squad where he met Akon and Unohana before. He had left Grimmjow’s comfortable arms to go in the dawn before sunrise see Akon who had told him he had news. He just hoped he would see Grimmjow before he left for his mission, although Grimmjow hadn’t read yet the letter yet. Kira had a feeling Grimmjow wasn’t looking forward to it.

He smiled a the thought that Grimmjow preferred to stay with him.

Once he arrived he was greeted by Akon who immediately pulled him inside the building and peaked outside before closing the door.

“What’s going on?”

Akon didn’t reply and just gestured him to follow him, but instead of going to the room they went previously, they walked further down until Akon pressed his zanpakutou at the wall that revealed a hidden door. The man went inside and looked back waiting for Kira.

“Where’s Unohana-Taichou?”

Akon put his finger in his lips telling him to be quiet and waved him once again to go inside. Kira frowned, this was odd. Why was he doing that? Why did Akon send him a Hell Butterfly requesting him to come to the building before sunrise? Today?

He had a bad feeling, but couldn’t stop walking inside the room. Akon once again looked outside the room before closing and locking the door.

**0000000000**

Grimmjow stirred awake with a jolt. The sun shone through the window signaling it was already mid morning.

The space in bed next to him was solely occupied by Cat, he remembered seeing Kira leaving earlier although he had no idea where he went.

He got up and stretched his muscles, his legs and abs sweetly ached from all the _workout_ he had done with Kira. He grinned as he got some milk and drank from the carton. There was no fucking way he was going again in a mission for this long, he needed his daily fuck even if he was offered a couple of Hollows to eat, he wouldn’t tolerate not being able to pound the blond for days.

Kira had left the mission letter on top of the kitchen table knowing Grimmjow would go there for his milk and didn’t want him to forget.

It was sealed with a reiatsu block which he released the moment he touched it. Inside there was some sort of manuscript that made him grimace.

“Fucking words.” He couldn’t understand almost anything. It was mostly written in kanji that he never saw in his life. Urahara had taught him hiragana and katakana and some kanji, but this was just symbols. He could recognize some words such as _Search, Death, Injury_ , and… the carton in his hand crumpled as he read the symbols of a name he knew how to write since he came to Seireitei and saw the name in all reports. He remembered the way it was written because one of the name was written in katakana.

Before the crumbled carton hit the floor spilling the milk, Grimmjow went to the living room pulling the Seireitei Bulletin and opening to the page he knew he could compare the kanji of the surname. Locating it in the magazine, he put the letter side by side with the page and every fucking stroke matched.

He gritted his teeth.

The person in his mission was Kira.

**0000000000**

The room Akon took him was not a lab, but more of a small office with several screens and servers that fed the computer in the middle.

“Sorry about the secrecy, but we can’t afford to have anyone finding us.”

“Where’s Unohana-Taichou?”

“She’s probably on her way to meet Yamamoto-Soutaichou which is why we have to be quick here.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your leave ends today, right? Unohana needs to inform Soutaichou about your condition, it’s protocol,” Akon sat in one of the chairs in front of the computer and started to type fast. “Kira-san, please sit there’s something I need to show you.”

Kira was apprehensive, Akon was always mysterious but right now he was acting strange.

He stopped typing and faced Kira. “Before I show you this, I need you to confirm something for me.” he tilted his head to the side, “The father is the former Espada Grimmjow isn’t he?”

Kira’s eyes rounded in surprise no matter how much he tried to do a poker face. Before he could even answer, Akon nodded with his head knowing from his reaction that yes he slept with an Espada and yes he was pregnant from him.

Akon typed a couple more times. “Don’t be alarmed, I’m the only one who figured it out, but it’s a matter of time until someone else will do it. The moment Unohana tells Soutaichou he will request my Captain to analyze you and he will understand quickly what happened, and there’s going to be consequences. For you and Grimmjow.”

Kira stood silent. It wasn’t that he knew already this was going to happened, but hearing someone else saying it was just the final confirmation.

“But that’s not why I called you here. What you do afterwords is up to you, however I need to warn you of the peril you’re in,” he click in one button and a tab opened in the main screen showing a folder named Project_Genesis.

“What is that?”

“It’s what made me figure out it was Grimmjow the father. I felt quiet stupid for not think immediately on this. I thought someone else was your partner, but then it became obvious. You’re pregnant since Grimmjow joined us and he lives with you.”

He wanted to ask who he thought was the father, but Akon continued.

“After the battle of Hueco Mundo we retrieved all the research we could find from Aizen. He had an Espada who was working on reiatsu manipulation and studying cases of Hollow breeding.”

Kira could see where this was going and he wasn’t sure he liked it.

“Hollows of course are unable to procreate. Despite of the many experiments all were a failure until Aizen involved a third factor.

“Aizen’s plan was always to create a perfect being that removed the line that differentiated from Shinigami and Hollow, the Vizards were one of those failed experiments and so was Kurosaki Ichigo. Although, they do have the abilities similar to Arrancar it is only momentarily.

“Aizen wanted something a bit more permanent, so he used the Hogyoku to boost the Espada SzayelAporro’s research.”

He clicked the folder and several files were inside, clicking in one of them Kira could see the map of different Hollow bodies.

“I think your background in the 4th Squad helps you understand this, right?” he scrolled down and Kira could understand the biology aspect of what was there.

“They were able to breed Hollows?”

“Yes.”

He clicked a video that showed a pink-haired Espada talking with another one and giving an injection to a Hollow.

“They bred several Hollows, and before you ask, yes all Arrancar under Aizen received the same shot. The components of the injection are mainly a genetic hormonal boost, we were able to retrieve the components, but they alone won’t do anything. The main ingredient is in fact the Hogyoku.”

He clicked in another video that made Kira gulp, because of several reasons; first, Aizen was there sitting in his throne is Las Noches; second, Ichimaru was also there with his arms crossed and a smirk in his face; and third, several Espada were present including Grimmjow. Kira couldn’t stop staring at him, _oh god, he had it bad didn’t he?_

They all surrounded a small stand with a crystal on it—the Hogyoku. The crystal shone to the point the camera flicked and then the video ended.

“The Hogyoku reacted with the injection and made them capable of procreating. The research went beyond their expectations since male Hollows were able to be impregnated by other males. However female Hollow and Arrancar cannot which concludes that what changes is the fertility rate of semen. “

Kira was so surprised with this information that he couldn’t stop himself.

“So Arrancar can be fathers too?”

“The only research we found were based on Hollows, SzayelAporro didn’t had the opportunity to experiment on Arrancar, so that is uncharted territory.”

“What about the babies?”

Akon studied him for a second before replying. “That’s what I want to show you.” He opened another video where two Hollows were in it and were wrapped in each other, cuddling. It was weird. One of them had a belly. “In all 125 experiments, they had the same exact behavior. The moment one of the Hollows got pregnant, both parents went into a state of _tenderness._ Their libido increased drastically and both were protective of the unborn Hollow. Is this something that is happening to you?”

Kira didn’t reply, but the answer probably was obvious in his face. Akon closed the video and was about to open a new one but stopped instead.

“Kira-san, this next part that I’m going to show you is something I ask you to not jump to conclusions, okay?”

His lack of answer seemed to always work with Akon, but he raised an eyebrow, whatever it was it wasn’t good.

“Like I mentioned the Hollows were in a care-giving mode during the pregnancy until birth. The moment the infant was born…” Akon looked away thoughful.

The silence was sickening. “What?”

“The father entered a state of uncontrollable rage and killed both the mother and infant.”

Kira stared wide eyed at the other man. His heart clenching in his chest.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that in the 125 experiments this was the outcome.” Akon decided to go back in the folders ignoring the video he was going to show. “It was at this point that they decided to experiment with Arrancar as the level of intelligence is higher, but as I said there was no possibility of concluding it since this all occurred at the time of our battle.”

Kira didn’t believe what Akon was saying, it was obvious the man was hinting that this was going to happen to Kira and Grimmjow, but it was a lie, it was a damn deception. Sure Grimmjow was horny and so was Kira, but they were both from the beginning. This… was a lie because Grimmjow liked to be with him, it wasn’t because he was pregnant. _Right?_

“I know it’s a lot to take in, but although there’s no experiments with Arrancar I advise you to not be with him at the time of birth or until you know you and your infant are ok.”

“And how can I do that?!” he finally spoke. “He’s the only person I have, you told me yourself your taichou will do tests on me. I… I… he’s the only one…” his voice broke in the end.

“Kira-san, I’m going to give you my sincere opinion. I think you’re walking in dangerous path. And I’m not saying this because you are pregnant, I’m saying this because you’re a shinigami who’s pregnant. Aizen knew that even with Hogyoku there was still an element missing, and that was a real Plus.”

“I don’t see where you gong with this.”

“Where I’m going is that, if there’s a chance for this experiment to work it’s with a shinigami. Unlike the Hollows, you have different situations occurring, first you have voluntary engaged into sexual intercourse, right?”

Kira blushed bright red remembering he initiated it actually, not Grimmjow.

“Yes.”

“All Hollows were forced in their first intercourse. Then, in your case the father is an Arrancar, Espada level former Adjuchas. All Hollows in the experiment were Gillian or lower. Also, your pregnancy seems to be protecting itself. That isn’t in the files from Szayelaporro, it’s only happening with you. And to not mention that you’re having a regular nine month pregnancy while all Hollows were three months only. Lastly,” Akon leaned forwards, “You know what is going to happen and you can prevent and protect yourself.”

This was too much, Kira couldn’t stop the dreadful thoughts in his mind about Grimmjow being with him because he was pregnant.

‘ _He’s with you because he likes your pregnant smell.’_

No, he liked him before. They weren’t sure when he got pregnant if it was immediately after the first time or second or third, but Grimmjow wanted to have sex with him. Proactively.

“Kira-san,” Akon realized his turmoil. “I’m sorry, but you needed to know. I understand that it’s difficult to accept your feelings are a hormonal consequence, but it’s body chemistry, this is a normal reaction.”

What?

“W-what?” he echoed.

“The being inside of you is protecting itself from harm, and that includes the control of your emotions. It’s making you having feelings because it wants, the same way it made the Hollows enter the tenderness state, what you are feeling is not genuine, just a consequence. You’re a science man, Kira-san, you understand this, right?”

_His feelings were a **consequence**? _

_They weren’t…_

… _real?_

He wanted to scream, to yell at Akon and call him a fool for lying, that he didn’t know what love was. That his feelings _were_ real, as real as they were for Hisagi. Maybe even stronger, maybe-

He was in love with Grimmjow. He was. He had no doubts about it, and Grimmjow? He had to like him, because he was kind to him and sweet, accepting their baby, always touching him, always kissing him and…

Suddenly, he remembered Kuchiki Rukia telling a story about Grimmjow, how much of a monster he was and that he almost killed her. Grimmjow had killed Shinigami, too many to count… but that was before coming to Soul Society! Urahara rehabilitated him and he was deemed worthy of even becoming a Lieutenant. He was behaving really well, not even hurting anyone much less killing. Grimmjow was no longer a blood thirsty killer, he was someone good.

“You’re wrong, Akon-san. I appreciate your concerns, and I thank you for the warning, however you cannot tell me how I feel.” it wasn’t the baby, he liked Grimmjow before he even knew he was pregnant. His feelings were real he knew.

“You’re right, I can’t. Maybe your feelings are genuine, maybe Grimmjow’s as well, but here’s some food for thought before you leave, he knew he was going to get you pregnant.” And Akon played again the video where the Espada were surrounding the Hogyoku.

He knew?

Why would he allow Kira to touch him if he knew?

Akon turned on the audio of the video.

“ _What did you do?”_ someone asked, and Kira’s nausea returned as Aizen responded.

“ _Let’s call it insurance.”_

He couldn’t do anything as his heart dropped and shattered into pieces.

_He knew._

“Why would he do this if he knew?” he murmured lowly, but loud enough for Akon to hear him.

“Orders from his former boss? What Hollow or Arrancar as ever wanted to come to Soul Society and be a Shinigami?”

“Wait, you’re telling me that Grimmjow came to Seireitei because Aizen ordered him to procreate with a Shinigami?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Akon’s cellphone rang and he picked it up immediately. Kira couldn’t hear his conversation as his mind muted all the external sounds.

Grimmjow knew… and he did it on purpose.

Grimmjow was following orders from Aizen…

Grimmjow used him…

Espada, Arrancar, Hollows were beings of hatred and violence, they were not... 

Oh no... Akon was right, it was all a farce. 

“Shit.” Akon tucked his phone inside his lab coat. “Kira-san, you have to leave. Soutaichou was informed and it was requested to take you to him. Hide somewhere until nightfall and then go to Rukongai, here.” He gave him an anti-reiatsu bracelet. “they won’t be able to track you with that.”

Akon took him to the other side of the building where there was a backdoor.

“Where should I go?” he has no one, he couldn't go anywhere, he...

“Go to Hisagi’s, it’s a block away, I will call him, don’t worry I won’t tell him the truth.”

“Akon-san, why are you helping me?”

The man shrugged, “You're important to someone I owe I care” a noise came from the stairs. “Oh damn, how are they here already? Go!” and he was pushed to the street where he dashed to Hisagi’s house.

Akon closed the backdoor and pulled a cigarette inhaling deeply. The sound of footsteps stopped and a flash of blue passed by him stopping by the door Kira had left. Menacing eyes stared him down, making him gulp heavily.

“Where is he?”

“Somewhere.”

Oh oh, that seemed to be the wrong answer, and Akon took a step back hitting the wall behind as the newcomer towered over him with his toxic reiatsu.

He was screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why can't Kira just be happy?
> 
> next chapter - Kira seeks comfort...


	15. Stepping up

“ _We loved with a love that was more than love.”_

― _Edgar Allan Poe_

Chapter 15 – _**Stepping up**_

Kira’s breathing faltered as he hid in the adjacent alley to Hisagi and Matsumoto’s house.

Every word that Akon had said stabbed him deeply, the more he thought about them the more he could see what he had ignored in the past months. He was so touch starved that a little attention from Grimmjow made him blind to the reality; Grimmjow did not _like_ him, he felt something because they were bound by the baby inside him and their energy emitted.

Kira wanted Grimmjow, he craved to see him, to smell him, to physically touch him, to _feel_ him; the time they were separated was suffocating, and this was all because of the baby. Normal people didn’t feel like that. Normal love was not like this. He had loved Hisagi before, but he couldn’t compare the two because with Hisagi he only hurt, with Grimmjow there was extreme happiness, pure bliss, with him he felt like he was the happiest person in the world, he was complete. It was nothing like it was with Hisagi. That wasn’t normal love, right? It was too intense, too much. It couldn’t be natural.

Grimmjow liked his smell, but Kira always connected that to the Espada’s feline traits. Grimmjow wanted to have sex with him all the time the same way he wanted, but that was the increased libido Akon mentioned. Grimmjow made him wanted, but the Espada was possessive because he was pregnant with his child—it was the tenderness phase.

It wasn’t real. Every single interaction they ever had was justified by the pregnancy. Except the first time they had sex. Kira didn’t remember well, but he knew he was the one who took the first step. Grimmjow was undeniably handsome it was easy for anyone to feel attracted to him. He wondered if he had never started things that night after Hisagi’s wedding, would Grimmjow ever look his way?

‘ _He knew.’_

Or would he have gone to someone else? Seduce and fuck another person?

Was Kira the one Grimmjow chose because he was _easy_ and coincidentally wanted to have sex?

Was he really _used_?

Then why did he still feel so confused? Why did his feelings for Grimmjow seem so real even after knowing the truth? He loved Grimmjow… that couldn’t be artificial. The moments they had… yesterday when they were in bed… was it all fake?

He warped his arms around his small bump. He wasn’t even able to ask Akon about the baby hollows... Was Grimmjow going to kill them? He couldn’t stop the tears falling, his chest hurting as he sobbed in the empty alley among trash cans and dirt, curled into himself.

“What are you doing there?”

He froze at the voice he knew so well. The broken pieces inside him stopped cracking, the sound working as a soothing balm immediately, consolation, relief. And the way those eyes looked at him…

He had to know, he had to test and see if it was all fake, and he could do it now. He could figure it out if what Akon said was untrue. He could-

New large tears fell from his eyes and he never felt so vulnerable to let someone seeing him like that. But that was really strange, that **he** always saw him the in his worst moments.

“Grimmjow,” he stood and couldn’t cease his body from moving and grab desperately the other’s waist and bury his face in the strong chest.

He smelt so comforting, like home.

Grimmjow put his hand in the back of Kira’s head, his fingers burying in his hair that he had no patience to fix that day. The Espada’s heart beat was fast as if had run to find him, and Kira closed his eyes enjoying it. His feelings were real he was sure. He was in love with Grimmjow, it wasn’t fake. Akon could say whatever he wanted, but he was the one feeling, he knew better than anyone. And he felt love. Real love. No one could ever prove him wrong.

“What happened?” Grimmjow’s lower tone made Kira frown, he looked unhappy. Kira could only answer by hugging Grimmjow tighter, the tears without any intention to stop.

_Did you know?_

_That this was going to happen?_

_Are you going to hurt us?_

He couldn’t bring himself to ask those questions as Grimmjow’s fingers moved in his scalp petting him in the same way he did to Cat when he thought Kira wasn’t watching.

There were voices coming from far, somewhere towards the Twelfth Squad area from where he was with Akon earlier.

“We have to go,” Grimmjow stared at him scowling.

“I’m sorry,” he replied, cleaning his cheek with the back of his hand. The voices became louder, it was clear that it was a group of shinigami shouting and searching around.

Grimmjow didn’t look panicky or didn’t seem to have any sense of urgency; his hand moved to his waist and he leaned down pressing his lips near his eyes where in the wetness from his tears, his tongue giving a small lick that soon turned into several. Kira closing his eyes to avoid more tears to fall. Was this really false? The way Grimmjow in his own way kissed the tears away?

“Kira?”

He tensed at the sound of the new voice and reopened his eyes, behind Grimmjow at the entrance of the alley way stood Hisagi with Matsumoto.

Grimmjow slowly stopped straightening his back, his eyes darkened. Kira also removed his arms from Grimmjow’s waist, there was no way they didn’t see what they were doing, in fact by the angle they were it really looked like they were kissing.

Hisagi’s eyes were locked with his making his stomach turn. There was a mix of doubt with something else he couldn’t understand.

The voices came closer breaking the mood, Grimmjow grabbed his arm and dragged him away passing by the couple.

“Izuru wait!” Matsumoto spoke. “Hide here!” she said pointing at her house surprising everyone including Hisagi. “Quick!”

They entered the house just in time to avoid the team of shinigami searching outside. They stood awkwardly in the middle of the living area in silence waiting.

Kira startled when the door was knocked. Matsumoto was the first one reaction signaling for them to go to another room, while she answered the door. Only then, Kira realized that Grimmjow was still holding his wrist.

“They know about my _condition_ ,” Kira said moving his hand to grab Grimmjow’s back. “And soon they will know it’s you the...” If Akon figured it out, it would be a matter of time until Kurotsuchi also did it.

“I know.” Grimmjow pulled from his shitagi a piece of paper that Kira recognized it to be a mission request. The mission in the envelope that he left in kitchen earlier for Grimmjow to not forget about it.

Matsumoto was talking to whoever was at the door with Hisagi occasionally speaking as well, but Kira couldn’t understand what they were saying, he focused on the letter.

“What does it say?”

Eh?

“I I know it’s about you, they want me to kill you?”

Kira read it before replying, “Not really. This is a request from Unohana-Taichou, she has ordered for you to apprehend me and to _not cause any harm or kill_ me. Shit, she knew I was going to hide…”

“We need to get out of here.”

Kira looked away, feeling utterly betrayed by his former Captain. Unohana was the most reasonable person in the Gotei 13, the fact that she didn’t trust him or even requested Grimmjow to get him meant that she wasn’t going to help him anymore. Maybe Akon had shared with her his findings.

“Where do we go?”

“Your house outside.”

“They know my residence in Rukongai, they’re going to search there.”

“Then we leave Soul Society, go to Urahara’s.”

Could Kira do that? That meant desertion. No matter how many times Kira wished in the past to disappear and leave everything behind, it was just a thought something impossible to do. Leaving meant he could never return. He wouldn’t ever be able to be in Soul Society again, or see Abarai, Hinamori, Matsumoto or Hisagi ever again.

He hesitated looking around. They were hiding in the couple’s bedroom, a western double-bed occupying the majority of the space. In the walls there were several pictures of them in their wedding, honeymoon, with friends; he grabbed one of the framed photos from the wall grasping it tightly, remembering exactly the night Abarai, Hisagi and he took that picture. It was a few months after Aizen was defeated, Hisagi was still single and they spent many nights together drinking talking about nonsense and the past. In that particular night, Kira was already in love with his best friend and that was so obvious in the photo with him blushing with Hisagi’s both arms around him and Abarai side-hugging them.

_H e would never be able to see them again. To see Hisagi again._

Grimmjow pulled him hard taking away the photo from his hand and throwing away into the bed.

“It’s not a fucking choice.”

Kira knew it wasn’t, it was obvious what he had to do to save their baby, but Grimmjow’s possessiveness no matter how endearing it was generally, right now only made him doubt more.

“Grimmjow how do you feel about me?”

The scowling eyes widened in surprise and then quizzically not understanding his question or the meaning behind it.

“I’m in love with you Grimmjow.” The words rolled out easy from his mouth, he knew this was landmine, but he needed to know, he _had_ to know. “I want to be with you in a way that you probably don’t want to, but I need you to know that it’s not just about the baby. I want you to be mine and only mine, and I want to be yours no matter what.”

Grimmjow sighed before smirking in way that made Kira melt.

“Idiot you already mine.”

“I’m yours because of the baby.”

“You were mine before that.”

Grimmjow tilted his head like he said the most obvious thing. And Kira felt like crying again, because hearing the words washed most of his doubts away.

They were interrupted by the door opening and Hisagi peaking, but Grimmjow slapped the door shut in his face.

“Why are you asking that?” Grimmjow ignored Hisagi calling Kira’s name, his friend was going to be mad.

“I saw Aizen’s research, the Hogyoku made it happen didn’t it?”

Grimmjow’s eyes didn’t change, oh god this was nothing new to him, but before Kira could start wailing, his lover replied, “I suspected it was that, but I wasn’t sure. Those fuckers did a lot of experimentation and rarely informed us about what they were for.”

“Do you know the outcome of Aizen’s research? The f-fathers killed the mothers and child.”

“So what? You think I’m gonna do the same? You’re fucking mine! Both of you. I will kill anyone who tried to hurt you, but not you.”

“What if-”

“Shut up, there are no _ifs_. We’re gonna leave this shit hole and I will protect you from anyone and anything.”

Kira’s bottom lip trembled and grabbed Grimmjow’s face with both hands and kissed him. All he wanted was for this to be real, Grimmjow to stay with him and their baby. Grimmjow returned the kiss fervently.

“Kira, are you okay? Open the door!”

His lover growled and replied against his lips, “I may kill him.”

Kira chuckled and kissed him one more time.

All the worries and words from Akon meant nothing right now. Maybe he was stupid for believing Grimmjow, but this was something beyond logic, he just knew he could trust Grimmjow.

Soon after they met Hisagi and Matsumoto in the living room. The couple explained that Akon contacted Hisagi to search for Kira and that was how they found them in the alley.

“Why are they after you?” Matsumoto asked sitting across them in the one-seat sofa. Hisagi sat next to her in a chair quietly, his gaze never leaving Kira, he oddly looked serious and upset. It didn’t help that Grimmjow was sitting in the large sofa like he owned the place with legs spread open, one arm stretched in the back of the sofa and the other behind Kira’s back keeping their sides together.

“I-”

“Who the hell knows the reason why shinigami do shit?” Grimmjow interrupted them. “We’re gonna get out of here and either you get out of the way or fuck off.”

“Grimmjow!” Kira didn’t to reprimand him in front of the others, but Matsumoto was being so nice allowing them to hide in her house. “Sorry about that Matsumoto-san, but he’s right, we can’t say here.”

“What did he do?” Hisagi finally asked, his voice was low lacking any emotion. Kira wasn’t used to see Hisagi like this, it kind of frightened him.

“What do you mean?”

“You have Kurotsuchi-Taichou after you with orders from Soutaichou, this can only be his fault,” Hisagi replied pointing at Grimmjow.

“Er no, they aren’t after him, just me.”

“You can’t fool me Kira, I know it’s his fault. Since he arrived every shitty thing that is happening to you is because of him.”

“Hisagi-san…”

“Shuuhei, calm down.”

“No. I’m tired of this bullshit. Kira you lost your position as a Fukutaichou and you didn’t even blink an eye, and now there’s an order to go after you. What is going on? This never happened before!”

“Hisagi-san, it’s not like that.”

“You keep defending him and I don’t understand why. He’s not a shinigami, he’s a heartless Arrancar that only knows how to thrive in others misery. He doesn’t give two shits about being a shinigami, he just threatens and kills.”

Grimmjow was clearly not bothered about what Hisagi was saying, but Kira was deeply sad, the way Hisagi saw Grimmjow was like everyone did and would ever see. They would never understand that Grimmjow wasn’t like that, at least anymore, at least with him.

“You shouldn’t speak about things you don’t know.”

“Then tell me Kira, if I don’t know tell me, am I not your best friend?”

Kira bit his lower lip ashamed. Hisagi was his best friend, even if lately every goddamn conversation they had led him to tears, he couldn’t put decades of friendship in the trash; Hisagi had been the pillar in his life bringing him up from the deepest and darkest waters in the bottom of the ocean.

“Fine, I will tell you, but in private.” he didn’t want Matsumoto to know. He was going to tell the truth to Hisagi and even if he reacted badly it wouldn’t matter, because then Kira would have the courage to remove him from his life.

“I’m not going to leave my wife alone with him.”

“What the hell, Shuuhei?”

“Hisagi-san, if you want to know the truth it can only be just us.” He didn’t want Grimmjow to be present in case Hisagi’s reaction to their relationship or pregnancy would be negative, which most definitely was going to be considering how the conversation was going on.

Hisagi looked thorn.

“He’s not going to do anything, and if he does I can take care of myself,” Matsumoto added.

“That’s not the point,” Hisagi said and glared the former Espada. “He’s a monster, hollows can’t be trusted.”

“Well you need to decide, if you want to know or if you want to stay here protecting your wife who’s smarter than you by the way, from a nonexistence enemy.”

“Nonexistent enemy? Are you blind Kira? Do you even know what is his job? What he’s been doing lately?” the brunet turned to face Grimmjow, “Yeah, I know about your missions, you cleaning house acting like an executioner.”

“Executioner?” Kira asked looking at Grimmjow. He remembered the blood in Grimmjow when he returned. He frowned as all the pieces were put together, the missions and they way Grimmjow spoke about shinigami. “They made you kill people?”

Grimmjow chuckled sarcastically, “Are you that surprised?”

No, he wasn’t. Because the Gotei 13 and Central 46 only acted for their own interests, the organization that he loved and had so much respect when he was younger was gone. They allowed Grimmjow to join because they were able to get their own hangman, their own killer.

This was wrong. So so wrong.

“I’m sorry Grimmjow, you are right, this _is_ a shit hole.”

Hisagi stared at them mouth open in disbelief. “Kira?!”

“Hisagi-san, you know better than anyone how corrupt shinigami can be.” this wasn’t something he could discuss without tell him the truth first, only after knowing what was going in Hisagi was going to understand “I want to tell you the truth-”

“I can’t believe you just said that!”

“Wait, I-”

“This is treason, are you betraying us?”

The question felt like a hard punch, this was the worst question Hisagi could ever ask him. He knew better than anyone about how horrible it was when their Captains left, when they were **betrayed**.

“No! Let me explain why, I-”

“I don’t care why, there’s nothing you can tell me that can justify what you just said,” Hisagi got up hands clenching.

“But I-” Kira stood up too trembling, his eyes burning with tears pooling.

“Who are you Kira? I don’t know you anymore.” Hisagi ignored Matsumoto trying to calm him down. “What the fuck did he do to you? Did he promise you something? Power? To work for Aizen?”

This was not just a hard punch, Hisagi was giving him the beating of his life. How could he think Kira would want those things. The tears fell down against his will, he had cried many times because of Hisagi but none of the times had hurt this much. Because this wasn’t Hisagi his unrequited love talking innocently about girls or Matsumoto or that he would’ve married Kira if he was a woman, this was Hisagi his best friend calling him a traitor.

“Enough,” Grimmjow said standing and grabbing Kira’s arm, “We’re out of here.”

Kira couldn’t bring himself to look at anyone. He was exhausted from all the emotions and crying, he let Grimmjow take him away. There was nothing he wanted to say to Hisagi anymore.

“Kira don’t do this,” Hisagi asked as they passed by him, “You’re going to be exiled or killed.”

“You already did worse,” he replied making Hisagi stop. “Matsumoto-san,” he called and she immediately appeared next to him her eyes saddened, “can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course, Izuru, anything.”

“There’s a cat in our home at Sanbantai, can you take care of him?”

“Yes, I will.” She blinked her eyes that were glistening, and before he could even understand, she pulled him into a hug. He wrapped his free arm around her in return taking in that this was the last time this was going to happen. He only wished that Hisagi would’ve done the same.

She murmured against his ear “You’re not Gin, you’re not betraying us if you run away. Don’t take Shuuhei seriously, he’s just…” she looked at Grimmjow pulling away from the hug, “jealous.”

The small smile didn’t reach her eyes, “You should be with who makes you happy… we should all be…” her voice lowered in the last part.

“Matsumoto-san.”

“Don’t worry, Izuru, we won’t tell anyone you’re going.”

With a last look at Matsumoto he let his eyes meet Hisagi who turned his back on him.

So this was fate, uh? In a world where he had Grimmjow, Hisagi couldn’t exist. Hisagi the cruel unfair love, Hisagi the best friend, Hisagi the anchor to his sinking life, pulling him up from drowning, from taking a full bottle of pills, from drinking until going into coma. For hugging him after difficult meetings, for stargazing at the top of his roof together and talk about nonsense, for being there just because.

It was okay, it was always okay. Hisagi wasn’t alone, he had Abarai and Matsumoto to keep an eye on him. He never needed Kira anyways. Kira was the one who needed him, and now… now Kira had to learn to not need him anymore.

Grimmjow pulled him by his hand between the smaller roads until the edge of Seireitei. He didn’t let go as he kicked the guard unconscious or when they stepped into Rukongai. Or when Kira opened a Senkaimon and both entered and went to the human world. Even in Karakura Town, he still didn’t let him go, and Kira leaned against Grimmjow’s arm gripping his hand harder.

“What do we do now?”

Grimmjow’s hand was warm against his.

“Whatever the fuck we want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HisaKira is my ultimate OTP of all time, writing this chapter hurt a lot.
> 
> next one- Kira and Grimmjow in the Human World.


End file.
